A Student’s Guide to Faking Sick
In life, we as individuals are taught to toughen up and face our problems, regardless of the circumstances. Growing up, you discover the problems that you try so hard to avoid are often school related. Maybe there is a test you have not studied for, an assignment you couldn’t be bothered to do, or perhaps you just don’t feel like going to school. Normally, advice on how to fix these bad habits would be helpful, but being a student, scheming your way out of tricky situations is probably a better choice. Faking sick is probably the first thing that simultaneously pops into your head at these moments. You spend several minutes attempting to devise the perfect plan in order to convince your parents of your lethal condition. Now all in all, faking sick doesn’t always work out. That is why your scheme must be perfectly coordinated in order to obtain your well deserved day off.
As a child, you learn that a fake cough is not the most convincing approach to initiate an illness. It works at first, but as you grow into adolescence you realize you need to devise a more into depth approach. The first step occurs the night before your desired sick day. At the dinner table, as your family converses over a hot meal, announce that you aren't feeling good, and subtly place your palm on your forehead. Now don't make the mistake of devouring your meal after this proclamation. Pick at it and maybe, and if you're really hungry you can enjoy a midnight binge later. Once your family has prior knowledge to your apparent sickness it will be easier to pull this off. Go to bed earlier than usual, and make sure to have an over dramatic, agonizing look on your face as well. Once you wake, phase two will kick into action.
When you wake up, arbitrarily reveal an obnoxious cough. During these uncontrollable outbreaks, just so happen to be relatively close to your parent’s bed room. If you're really loud they'll wake up to your horrific barks. Be sure not to complain on the spot, merely ask them for some Advil, and go back to your bedroom. Remember to cough periodically as well; this will further lead your parents to believe you’re sick.
In some cases parents are tough when it comes to their child taking the day off, but If you’re intelligent and conniving enough this third stage will be a piece of cake. Once back in your bedroom don’t leave again, let them come to you. Most un-trained con artists make the mistake of approaching their parents to ASK them if they can stay home. In all honesty this is probably the silliest move you can make. Parents are tricky individuals, and they somehow know when you’re truly sick, and when you’re simply playing the role. If your parents are especially accustomed to your annoying voice whining at them until they let you stay home, this might be especially easy for you to pull off; since it is so out of character. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to cough for a little now either, especially if your folks are taking a little longer than you hoped. Once they enter look as if you are on your death bed, and remember to keep your eyes closed! As they gently rest their hand on your forehead they should feel that it is warmer than usual because you have already at this point made some time to place a warm towel over it prior to their entrance. Once they excessively start to refer to you as “honey”, and “sweet heart” you have pretty much won them over.
Finally, your mom or dad will recite the words that you have so patiently been waiting for “Are you okay sweetie?” Ah, how good it feels to know that you have completely outwitted these authoritative figures, but it’s not over yet. Rather than blurting out you would prefer to stay home say that you would actually prefer to go to school! Nothing melts the heart of parents like a kid who actually wants to be at school. It is at this point that they will insist you stay home, and who are you to argue with your parents?
Now that you have successfully pulled off this valiant scam, you can bask in the feathery comfort of your bed, while your comrades are slaving away at monotonous activities. So relax, enjoy your day off while you can. Watch day time TV, and indulge in a warm cup of hot chocolate, for tomorrow, you have school.
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