im not all too sure what this is.

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im not all too sure what this is.

Status: Finished

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im not all too sure what this is. im not all too sure what this is.

Miscellaneous by: imalloverit

Genre: Romance

Houses:

Miscellaneous by: imalloverit

Details

Genre: Romance

Houses:

Summary

this is written in the style of thoughts. its kind of long.

Summary

this is written in the style of thoughts. its kind of long.

Content

Submitted: May 05, 2010

A A A | A A A

Content

Submitted: May 05, 2010

A A A

A A A


How can someone I love so much hate me so much?
 
Ouch. I don’t even know
 
 Can I tell you something?
 
I see you I guess
 
I see you kind of walking around
 
Or getting out of a chair
 
Or smiling
 
In my head
 
And outside I think
 
I saw that you know not smiling like
 
That’s so funny or your entertaining me
 
But
 
I love you” that smile that’s
 
Adoration
 
And I fucked up
 
And im pretty sure it was her like
 
Brown eyes to brown eyes
 
And then more brown eyes
 
But mostly yours
 
Your so happy
 
And im so
 
Well
 
Not happy
 
But I get that this is life
 
And I get that
 
I am who I am
 
And I really get that
 
It wasn’t good enough
 
Or maybe I wasn’t
 
Maybe I was
 
But I love her too
 
But I thought you meant like me, like a sister but
 
She was in your dreams a lot you used to
 
Save her a lot from some kinds of alligators and shit
 
Or some monsters
 
But you were always in mine
 
Not lately though
 
Lately I kinda just
 
Don’t
 
Its more like
 
I see you im watching you a little
 
And asking that question from the first line
 
And sitting very close, right? I think your knees were a little bit touching
 
Because im a little fat and take up more space
 
She fit between us
 
she can sit on your laps and shit
 
and you can pick her up and stuff like that
 
just nice things
 
shes so cute
 
and pretty
 
and if you really wanna get into it
 
shes sweet
 
and gorgeous
 
and everything you should probably have I mean
 
your this musician and this
 
this poet
 
not like my kind of dark poetry but
 
your just very one of a kind
 
and your very
 
good.
 
I smile a little but theres not a better word I don’t think
 
Because life is meant to have just the right amount of shitty
 
And I guess I shouldntve perceived you as this amazing untouchable person
 
That in a way I was afraid of, afraid to disappoint and to lose
 
But I did and in the end I did
 
Both those things right? And you became
 
My worst nightmare
 
But I learned a little.
 
And now its like you hate me
 
Because I was so nice about it
 
And other people were so mean
 
But still im
 
The same
 
And im glad I used to think the way I did even though I forget a little
 
Just a little
 
So anyways im wicked wicked close
 
Like a foot away maybe
 
Maybe less
 
But ive been waaaay closer
 
But im pretty sure that will never happen again
 
Almost positive
 
Maybe completely positive
 
I just haven’t accepted my own acceptance yet.
 
Or maybe I have I cant tell
 
Its hard to explain all this shit going on right now
 
Like this revolution, im changing a lot to adapt to the large amount of shitty
 
That just appeared.
 
And im watching you and I feel like you notice
 
But you wont ever look at me
 
You avoid me
 
Because of what you did
 
I wonder if you’re a little guilty
 
I don’t think you are
 
You didn’t leave her house until 10:30
 
But
 
In any case
 
Im just watching and I feel like those shitty romance books when I wish that
 
you could stay a little longer even though
 
I hate that your holding her hand and taking pictures with her
 
That will be on facebook
 
Or some shit
 
And people will comment “awwww!” on them
 
But your so pretty
 
Ahhh haha your so pretty to me
 
And
 
Well,
 
Baby,
 
Angeles,
 
Sweetheart…
 
I love you.
 
 
 
 
I think you call her that now
 
Do you call her sweetheart now?
 
I tried to look
 
I tried to see
 
But I don’t know if I wanted to at all
 
But im pretty sure you did
 
And im pretty sure im fucked
 
Not even about you anymore
 
But you just surprised me
 
An unpleasant surprise
 
That made me feel like-
 
Well lets not.
 
 
 I don’t particularly feel like it right now
 
Im not feelin anything lately
 
But I thought you were you
 
And you are
 
Aren’t you?
 
I don’t know
 
Maybe not for me anymore
 
But you just went away so quickly and now
 
We really are this
 
Aren’t we?
 
That’s disturbing
 
Ugh.
 
Oh well
 
And you know I don’t really mean that
 
But oh well
 
Look at her
 
I know you do
 
Me too
 
And shes so much better than me
 
For you
 
And just in general
 
And she did it
 
Your so happy
 
I couldn’t swing that shit
 
I blew it
 
Hahahahahahaha
 
 
I didn’t really laugh I just typed that
 
Im not hysterical
 
And im not a sobbing mess
 
Anymore, ill put to be fair.
 
But
 
I don’t know
 
I don’t know what to portray
 
Youd rather me leave you alone
 
So ok
 
I don’t want to
 
But I don’t want to be hated
 
I don’t want to be
 
Unwanted
 
And I got a little betrayed
 
A lot today
 
Fuck this whole friend scenario
 
Im so sick of being betrayed
 
And im so scared
 
But I know that its not your place to tell me its alright
 
And I know you wouldn’t anyway
 
Youd look into my eyes and then look away really awkwardly or something
 
And say something really hurtful but not in a hurtful way
 
Just dismissive I guess
 
I don’t know just
 Im just not into it
I want closure
 
Do i?
 
Lets say I do right now okay?
 
So closure
 
Whatever the hell that is
 
But I don’t wanna make her uncomfortable or overstep shit
 
Because all of a sudden, or
 
All the sudden
 
Hahaha
 
There are lots of rules that apply
 
That we used to defy a little, or I did
 
I defied them and trusted completely and was so
 
So so so
 
So relieved
 
For this
 
To have that
 
Maybe not even you
 
Well of course you
 
But that idea of
 
That being okay
 
That kind of thing
 
Ugh I dunno
 
Remember when? There are lots of ways to finish that with you
 
And with her there will be even more
 
And you have wonderful beautiful sex or something
 
You know I don’t mean that
 
Be happy
 
Are you?
 
Did I mean that??
 
I don’t know
 
How could you do this?
 
How could I do this?
 
Can I please forget this now?
 
I don’t really want to. I just want to be
 
Close
 
Not that close
 
Well I do but as stated above
 
Never again.
 
Sadly
 
And I fucked up
 
Today or yesterday
 
Im not sure
 
And I wanna hide forever until this blows over
 
But I cant
 
I never can
 
And
 
I love you
 
Sooo much
 
I promise
 
If it means anything at all
 
Which currently it probably doesn’t.
 
Does she tell you that?
 
Does she mean it?
 
I don’t know.
 
Maybe
 
I think theres a good chance I mean I guess
 
It was always coming but
 
Just fuck it
 
Fuck this
 
Fuck.
 
Goddamn.
 
I’m in love with you.
 
“still?”
 
Sadly.
 
 
 
 


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