To The Moon and Back

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
A short tale of loss, love and longing, and how it seems that you can never have one without the other. Sometimes no matter what you do you have to accept what's going to happen will happen.

Submitted: January 25, 2014

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Submitted: January 25, 2014

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Her bright blue eyes stared into mine, so full of intelligence and ambition. She had places to go and achievements to make. A lifetime ahead of her.
You could be anyone you wanted. A fairy, a pirate, a doctor – a dreamer that’s what you are. That’s what you told me you wanted to be.
Mummy I’m going to be an inventor.
“Why do you want to be an inventor?”
So I can dream all day.

“Erin, sweetie you don’t have to do this.”
I snapped back into what was now my reality and blinked away my tears, “I do.”
I found my mum’s face among the hundreds that had turned up, and I focused on her as I read out my eulogy.
“When I was pregnant I always said that she was going to change the world. And this she did, she changed my world. Mothers are meant to protect their children and I failed at this. I couldn’t save her from the one battle she had…” at this I could say no more, the words refused to form in my mouth.
Jessica saved me; she put her arm around me and continued: “Evie had a lifetime ahead of her. A lifetime to dream, to make mistakes and to succeed. She may have been here for five short years but she was ahead of her time. I just want to know that she is safe and happy. I hope she knows that I am trying my best to find her again.”

Mummy why does everyone stare at me?
“Because they are jealous of how beautiful you are.”
I tapped her on her nose and she giggled, for a moment her worries vanished.

“How’s she doing?” I heard Freddie ask Jessica as they stood on the other side of the door.
“She just sits in Evie’s room; I think she feels closer to her in there.” Jessica replied.
“I know she’s your best friend but you can’t stay here all the time. It’s not good for you or the baby.”
She was having a baby, mines been stolen from me. It’s not fair.
I pulled the door open “Leave me alone. Come back when you know what this feels like.” I shouted.
Jessica started to cry “You don’t mean that.”
“I do. It’s not fair that I should have to watch you have a family when mine is gone.”
“Come on Jess, let’s go.” Freddie said softly.

Mummy look it’s snowing!
“Wow!” I smiled at her.
Can we go outside?
“Of course we can baby. Let’s get wrapped up first though.”
Yay! She jumped up and down in excitement.
I finished zipping up her coat “Why don’t you go and get Daddy to come with us while I get ready.”
She ran off to find him.
Mummy, Daddy isn’t here.
I went to find her and as I passed through the kitchen I saw a note on the table:
Erin, I’m sorry but I can’t do this. I can’t watch Evie be taken from us.
 Tell her that I love her so much.
Seth xx

“Evie needed you, they both did.” My mum said to Seth as they came to find me.
“I know. I just wasn’t strong enough.”
“You five year old daughter was stronger than you,” I said “before she died she kept asking me if you were coming to see her.”
“What did you say?” he whispered.
“I lied to her, I said you were coming as fast as you could.”
We were silent as my mum left the room.
“Why did you leave us?” I asked.
“You know why.”
“Did you think that I wanted to watch her die? I would have done anything to let her live. I never gave up on her, or you.”

Mummy look I’m a ballerina. She put her arms above her head and spun round.
“That was awesome baby.”
I want to show Daddy.
“You can show him when he comes back.” I replied softly before kissing her head.

“Erin I want to help you. Is there anything I can do?” Seth asked.
“Yes” I replied “Bring my daughter back.”
He opened his mouth like a goldfish. I grabbed Evie’s favourite toy elephant and left the room. I hugged the elephant close to my heart, her smell still lingered on it.
Why doesn’t anyone understand? I thought, then I remembered my mum knows exactly how this feels; she had a daughter who died seven years before I was born.

Mummy.
“Yes baby.”
I don’t like it. I want to go home.
I swallowed, trying to get rid of the lump in my throat.
“They are going to make you feel better and then we will go home straight away.”
Promise?
“I promise.” I held her delicate hand as she drifted off to sleep.

“Mum tell me about Anna.” I asked quietly as we sat on the sofa together.
“She was cheeky and she always had something to say. She was very confident, the complete opposite of you.”
She put her arm around me and kissed my head “It won’t hurt this badly forever. I still think about Anna every day but I have you.”

“Is it a boy or a girl? It’s been two months; I know why you are ringing.”
“A boy, his name is Lewis.” Jessica replied.
“When can I meet him?”
There was a pause “Are you sure?”
“Yes and plus I want to see your wedding dress.”
“Great, just come over tomorrow when you like.”
My heart sung, I haven’t left the house since… “I…”
“Sweetie it’s okay, I will come to you.” Jess said, immediately understanding.

Those last few days were like playing a waiting game. She held on, she wanted so badly to make it to her sixth birthday. She believed her dad would come on her birthday.
“Hey baby, did you have a nice sleep?”
Yes. She croaked before turning over and falling straight back to sleep.

“You look so pretty Jess.” I complimented as she modelled her wedding dress.
She smiled at me.
“Erin, I told you his name was Lewis well he has two first names; the other one is Evan. It’s the closest I could get to Evie, is it okay?” she said unsure of my reaction.
My tears fell “it’s perfect, I’m glad they are connected somehow.”

I opened Evie’s wardrobe and took her bridesmaid dress off the hanger. When she tried it on she looked like a beautiful princess. She spun round and round, her hair flying madly. Her little laugh ringing clear. I laid a t-shirt and a pair of jeans on her bed, ready for her to change into.

“I now pronounce you man and wife.” The Vicar said to Freddie and Jessica.
Everyone clapped and cheered when they kissed.
It was the same vicar that had buried my little girl.
“Erin how are you?” the Vicar asked.
“I want my little girl back.”
“At least you know that she is in Heaven being looked after.” He squeezed my shoulder and gave me a sympathetic smile.

“Hey baby, I love you so much. No matter what happens I will always love you to the moon and back.”
I can still see her now on that last day; lying in the white hospital bed like she was asleep – so peaceful, so small. Her chest struggled to rise and fall for the last time. Then she was gone.

“Erin, please will you come and dance with me?” Jessica asked as she came over to where I was sat.
I nodded; I couldn’t refuse the bride on her wedding day.
She grabbed my hand and pulled me onto the dance floor. We had been there a few minutes when Jess stopped dancing and stared at the stage.
“Erin, look at the stage.”
I turned around and saw him stood on the stage holding a piece of card with my name on it. When he saw I was looking he dropped that piece to reveal another saying ‘I’m always going to be here for you’. My eyes filled with tears. The next piece of card said three simple words. I was too shocked to move as he came off the stage and towards me. He stopped right in front of me, his body centimetres from mine – the closest I had been to anyone in months. My eyes searched his face, where should I look? He made that choice for me, his eyes caught mine and I couldn’t look away – they were the same blue as Evie’s. I took a deep breath. He was waiting for me to say something, but I couldn’t. I could feel a thousand eyes staring at me, waiting. I glanced down at my feet, and then I walked away. Everyone parted to let me go by. He didn’t follow and I didn’t turn around. The tears didn’t fall, I had cried too many before.

I felt her hand slip into mine. She gave me her biggest smile and we kept walking together.

I found you.

 

 


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