I remember when I was a little girl my mom was my hero, I remember I used to look up to her and just admire her. I really thought my sisters, brother and myself were lucky to have such a good mom. Even though since I can remember I can't say the same for my dad but at that time he wasn't really in the picture since he was always in and out of the house. He had a drug problem. I remember I was always up and down with my mom no matter where she went I was always behind her. Once we moved to Florida and she started working I saw her less and less, I am the youngest out of four. I was never a favorite child to either of my parents, I was the child who got hand me downs from everybody else. I would watch my dad spoil my second sister with clothes, purses and jewelry and also my brother with everything game system that came out and my mom would always favor my oldest sister.. And I was just there. I used to be such a nice good little girl, very innocent. I had dreams and goals, I had a future. I remember at the time I wanted to be a writer, I used to write so many short stories and poetry. Till I turned twelve and my whole life as I knew it was stolen from me. When I was twelve when I got my period for the first time and after that my dad saw me with different eyes, I wasn't his daughter but a young lady. One day after he woke up from a nap because he was drinking he called me to his room and told me to lay down next to him. At that time my mind was so innocent it was ok for me to lay next to my father wearing a long shirt and panties. Well, after I laid down next to him I remember something about him wasn't right. After a while of talking about random things he decided to put his hand by my face and slowly start heading down and i just froze I didn't understand what was going on. The next thing I know he has his hand inside my panties over my private, it was the first tell I ever felt betrayed. I remember I instantly felt hurt and especially scared , I started to shake really bad and I don't even know how I got out that room. I tried excusing his actions by blaming it on he's drinking, but something inside me knew it wasn't the drinking, I tried to avoid him and give some time and hopefully everything would go back to normal but boy was I wrong. I wanted to tell my mom but she was always working and when she was home my dad would be right there next to her. After a few days of him trying to convince me to give myself to him he finally found a opportunity to take what he wanted and did not think twice about it. I was twelve and scared and had no one to protect me. I felt hurt, sad, angry and betrayed. I remember I went from a innocent little girl to a full blown rebel and no one noticed. No one cared to figure out why I went from a good student to failing, why I was getting into fights and skipping school. It's like no one cared at all. I then starting do drugs and drinking to erase the pain I had inside. Almost two years past where I was being raped and beat on a daily bases. One day my second sister and I decided to run away, after we picked up my mom from work we told her we were running away and just made some excuse that we couldn't take the beating anymore. That day we packed basically only our clothes and as my dad slept we sneaked out load up the cars and left, not knowing where to go and with barely money. we ended up driving to Houston, Texas. I thought my life was going to get better because I could start fresh and away from him. But after a few months my dad found us and talked to my mom on the phone for a while and when she got off she told us he was coming to live with us. My heart was shattered all over again. I begged her not to take him back, I cried and yelled but she wasn't listening. She noticed how upset I was and she asked me what was the real reason why I didn't want him back.. And I told her. She cried and asked why I didn't tell her before and I told her I was scared of him hurting us or worst, but she still took him back. All the improvements I did went down the drain. The first few months after he was back I was very nerves around him because he had this act on like he was a different man but I knew he had other plans. On November 29th, the day my second niece was born we were all at the hospital waiting but my brother had to go to work so my dad, brother and myself went home for him to change and then drop him off.. I thought we were going back to the hospital but my dad had other plans for us. Once I noticed we were headed home I knew what was on his mind and this time I wasn't going down without a fight. When we got home he told me to go in the room and I knew if I entered that room he would win so i said NO! And he repeated himself walking towards me, before I could say no again he already had his fist in my gut. I stood up and said no and he hit me again causing me to fall and as I fell he grabbed me by the hair dragging me to the room and throwing my on the bed.. I tried hitting him but he had me pinned down. I couldn't believe this was happening again. After he finished, he beat me again and warned me about opening my mouth or my nieces would be the ones to pay. Remind you my oldest niece was about a year and a half and my second niece was just born that day. Almost six months passed and the situation was only getting worst and worst between all the problems at home and me rebelling in school my life was fallen apart. Once day I got home from school and came in to everybody was at work except for my dad and two nieces, I did not like that he was alone with them for 30-45 mins Monday - Friday. When I was at school that's all I could think of and i just couldn't let that happen. So one day when I got home and found both of them on his bed I freaked out and the next thing I know is he was coming from behind me. We had fought like two grown men but it still wasn't enough.. I wasn't strong enough. That day everybody in my family knew something was wrong with me and had noticed new bruises on me, my dad told them I had gotten in another fight in school. The next day I went to school and was caught up in a situation that had to do with my best friend and me trying to protect her i accidently slipped and said "I don't want you going thru the same thing I go thru everyday" right in front of the guidance counselor who had been a Child Protection case worker for many years. When I said that all I could do was cry and laugh at the same time because I knew I was now safe. I remember how relieved I left, like the world was lifted off my shoulders and I could finally breathe. A case worker came and picked me up and then we picked up my nieces and took us to Child Protection Center and put me in room and asked a million questions.. I saw when my parents pulled up to the building and I saw when the officers put my dad in handcuff. That was one of the happiest moments of my life. My mother acted like she didn't know saying "why you never told me?"... I had lied and said my mother didn't know because honestly I didn't want to be put in a foster home or be separated from my family and I thought she was a victim too.. but soon I was going to find out that she wasn't a victim but just another monster like him. After I put him in jail her and my relationship had changed completely, she hated me over night. She couldn't stand the sight of me, just everything about me made her mad and angry. She started beating me for everything.. for any little thing I did my fault or not. And that's when I started rebelling again, I just started to do what I wanted and didn't care if I got beat for it because I was going to get beat anyway. I remember she tried to stab me a couple of times. And when she found out I was dating a older women she really almost killed me and she disowned me not because she was older but because she was a she and not a he. Being a lesbian was not allowed point, blank period. Once we moved to back Florida and our relationship was still rocky and I felt more alone then ever because I didn't know anybody and once again I was alone. I had decided that maybe my mom was right and maybe it was just a phase even though it felt so right to me, I didn't only try to convince everyone else that I was straight I was also trying to convince myself I tried for five years and I couldn't keep living unhappy and living a lie. I had to come out the closet for myself because at the end of the day everybody was living there own life. At this point today I do not have a relationship with either of my parents and sadly to say but it's better that way. I finally understand that I don't have parents and as much as I wish I did because I believe life is much harder with a supportive family it's life and there's nothing I can do about it. I lost myself at the age of twelve and I am now 23 years old still searching for myself. But you know what as much as I been thru so have a lot of people and most of them don't make it out alive, some kill them self and some get killed and as close as I got to death I'm still here. I am not a victim I AM A SURVIVOR!
This is my story and there are many details I left out because it's too graphic but it's all true .
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