Everyday is different, of course but my feelings of anger and fraustration, sheer impatientence because nothing ever seems to change, I know I have choices and can make some of those changes, but at times I feel so tired of being the one who has to make the changes is it because I need something different or is it because I am the sort of person who will never be happy no matter what the situation or circumstance, I feel so lonely at times that is not the same as being alone, I like my own company I am independant and can set my mind to things I have a single mindedness that gets the job done I have gifts as everyone does but I lack confidence to see the bigger picture and get lost in the petty things that are of no consequence anyway.
I have something missing in my life I wish I knew exactly what it is that I need to make me feel complete because I have always felt like this all my life like I don't exactly belong, I feel lost in the respect of being fully content with my life and never really found my calling like some people I feel like there is always that something more I can not quite put my finger on it, when you look at a word you read it but you don't quite understand what it means.
It is not that I need to fit in so much, because I am a loner at heart I have always managed to do the things I want with or without company, it is just this overwhelming sense of doom and gloom, and know one really understanding me or what makes me tick or even caring one way or another, it is nice to know you matter to someone, and not always being taken for granted.
My husband loves me as do my children, but I suspect he isn't in love with me anymore, which I can deal with as I love and care for him it is replaced with a different kind of love, more of a friendship than a lover, but I have to be honest I miss that feeling of new love or young love I suspect it isn't emotionally healthy anyway but I envy first love and youth the feeling of just being swept away in that moment and not even thinking beyond that day.
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