My Alter Self Realized

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
Random reflections with random inserts of random thoughts...
A memoir to myself - both real and imagined.

Submitted: April 08, 2012

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Submitted: April 08, 2012

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I have always been the type of girl that feared that others would know what I was thinking while seeking so desparately to be understood. I have struggled with thoughts of insanity, thoughts of homosexuality, thoughts of deep fear, and thinking I will never be able to escape the prison of my thoughts. I struggle because I know that we have the power to control our thoughts to some degree. So why would I let myself think so negatively when I alone have the power to change my thoughts. As a married woman in the military, it has become even harder to find a way to express myself without fear ridicule or resentment from my spouse or my coworkers. I have overcome the fear of insanity but not that it won't return with old age. I fear that I have multipersonality or a significant confusion of emotional well-being. In a deep attempt to control my emotions or even hide them, I have identified with my intellect instead of myself. Or atleast that's what part of me thinks. Or in a sense of deep loathing to think there is something wrong with me to prevent taking responsibility for my own thoughts and actions as a result. It's easier to be weak; much harder to be strong and take accountability of one's actions. I am getting older. I cannot avoid myself much longer before I am doomed to a life of self-pity and blame.


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