Devil with a Smile

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Gay and Lesbian  |  House: Booksie Classic

A girl named Frida falls in love with her best friend who doesn't feel the same way about her.

Dear Journal,

As I sit in my attic, reading my old journals there is one thing I cannot help, but remember the most. All memories of course are beautiful in their own way. Each one teaches you a lesson, or just helps you remember the good times. Through this life, I have been through a lot. I have learned my lessons, and been through my hard times, but she still sticks in my mind.

She sticks in my mind, and will always be in my heart, but I will never feel for her the same way I once did. Our memories will always be a part of me, for she made me who I am today. It still dumbfounds me how one little mishap ruined our friendship. Still, if I could go back, I would not change a thing. Living my life the way I did in those days, has shaped me into the person I am today. So here, I go the reminiscing of those days, which feel so lost in time.

Her beautiful golden hair cascaded down her back, her sheer beauty sent chills up my spine. Her smile was white and sparkly like the stars of a summer’s night sky. Her dimples were so cute, and made me want to kiss her beautiful blushing cheeks even more. The shiny gloss she wore on her plumped lips brightened her smile even more. She was the most stunning young women I had ever seen, but unfortunately, she could never know my love for her.

I had grown up being her closest friend; we shared secrets, giggled all night long, and promised to always be friends. I longed for more than that, but I knew deep in the pit of my heart that it could never happen. I loved her, she was so sweet and her elegance was just breath taking. Sadly, I was stuck being Patricia her best friend, and of course, nothing would ever change that.

Our mothers grew up being best friends, so of course we were expected to be close as well. We spent long summer days catching frogs. We spent the winters throwing snowballs, and running amuck in the snowy weather. Throughout the years, we grew and changed, but one thing never changed, not for a second; that was my love for her.

Everyone had known for a few years that I was bisexual, but no one knew who I was really in love with. I dated many people, but I never attempted to build a real relationship with them. My pathetic selfish hopes made me wish that she would, for a second consider me. A far off wish, it was, but it was not impossible. At least that is what I imagined in my mind.

For years, I had covered up the truth from her. I lied about having to hug a pillow at night to fall asleep; when she came over, she was my pillow. When I drew pictures of her for art, I said I only drew her, because she was easy to draw and that she always got me an A. At times, she might have gotten a slight hint; still she had no real evidence to figure out my little secret.

At nights I would wish she would be more open minded to me, and not blab on mindlessly about all the cute guys in our class. They may have been cute, but still nothing compared to her. I tried numerous times to stop myself from loving her, but my efforts were all hopeless. I could not hold my feelings in; at times, I would say something stupid. I believe she expected I had a crush a few times, but she did not know the full extent of my love for her.

One day she pulled me aside after lunchtime at school. She had avoided me for a few weeks, leaving me all alone to feel empty without her. I just did not feel right without her. I looked into her blue shining eyes, but this time she did not look happy to see me. I noticed a dreading expression in her eyes, and then I knew she knew.

My heart burst, and I knew I had ruined any chance with her. I felt so foolish and naïve for ever thinking she would change. Patricia the best friend, the only thing I had ever been to her, and I would not even be that anymore.

“Look, I think you like me… A lot, but Patricia, I’m sorry… I don’t like you like that, and I probably won’t ever.” she said. Her face was straight and unforgiving.

“I don’t think we should be friends anymore. It’s too awkward for me. I’m sorry.” and with those last words she walked away. She walked in a tense manner, as if she wanted to be rid of me for good. Not even once, not even once did she look back.

Why did the world have to be so cruel? My heart broke inside my chest. Tears welled in my eyes, and my stomach flipped. I had ruined all I had cared for. She was gone, and she did not even care to consider how I would feel. It was not my fault she was so perfect.

I looked back once more, and she was gone. She had gone back into the school. At that point, school might as well have been the gates of hell. I collapsed on the ground, and cried. I viciously fought with myself trying not to cry, but my tears won. My make up smeared, and ran down my face. Crying turned into sobbing, and I could not take the pain that was dwelling within my heart.

My one true friend and my one true love were gone. She would not be coming back. The world felt so cruel. Storm clouds rumbled in the sky, rain began to fall onto me. I sat out there on the grey concrete steps in front of the school, and let the rain drench me. I let it wash away all my hurt, all my pain, and most of all my longing.

It felt as though all hope was lost, but I knew some how some way I would recover. My devil with a smile could no longer matter to me. I knew I would have to let go, despite the fact that it would be painful. There would be other girls and other boys for me. Others who would accept me, and not shun me only because of the way I felt.

The rain quit pounding on the ground, and the storm clouds blew away with the cool breeze. I shivered slightly as a rainbow emerged from the clouds. The sun shone, and I realized there was hope. One day I would follow the right rainbow, and find my real true love.

She took me in her arms, and broke me into a thousand pieces. It hurt for a long time, but looking back, I know I am better now. I have moved on, and found Hilary the love of my life. We met soon after Patricia disowned me; she helped me dig myself out of the hole of my depression. We began as friends, and ended up married.

If I could see Patricia just one last time I would thank her; I would thank her for turning me down. By rejecting me, she taught me many things. She taught me the meaning of a real friendship, and who is actually worth the strife. She showed me that there is always better out there, no matter how heartbroken I may feel. Most of all, she taught me no matter how down you feel with time you can always get back up.


October 14, 2018

Submitted: June 02, 2010

© Copyright 2022 Isabella Roberts. All rights reserved.

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