In This Kind of World

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
A moment in time.
A moment in a life.
It's always just moments.
And that's all it ever comes down to.

Submitted: October 16, 2008

A A A | A A A

Submitted: October 16, 2008



Just let me paint this picture; a story of sorts.

There is a girl. She doesn’t go to sleep until the early hours of the morning and doesn’t wake until she is forced to by the day’s particular obligation. This obligation is usually her job; at the family ice cream hotspot in her little Ohio town. She leaves her grandparents’ house; the place she now calls home, gets into her ‘89 Sundance and listens to show tunes and mixed CDs on the fifteen minute drive. She was BORN in ‘89.

This is a girl who doesn’t find importance in anything anymore. She lives her life trying to grasp on to any triviality that could somehow make her feel like it is all going to be worth it in the end. She has been home, by force, for almost three months, and has chosen to embark to a completely foreign place with completely foreign people for school in the fall...again. She feels like this school is going to be just like the last one; and her hope will once again slowly turn to apathy and annoyance. And if that happens, she doesn’t know what she’s going to do. Maybe college just isn’t for her…

She goes through friends like pairs of jeans and greatly fears the apocalypse, despite all of the jokes that are made. The itunes play lists don’t work as well as they used to, and neither do the words of Chris Carrabba.

This is a girl who was greatly liked by her peers in high school, and after a year since graduation, realizes that that, along with many other things associated with high school don’t matter-- and never mattered. She imagines her life as a television series and is currently counting down to the end of the summer, and the season finale. She wishes she could be a writer.

She has, among others, two best friends. Boys who mean a lot more to her than she believes she means to them. There was a point in her life when she got very, very sick because she couldn’t stand not being with them. She promised that she would never do that to herself again, and has since made several decisions. Decisions to leave them behind when she leaves this time. Decisions to not come back and say a more finalized goodbye than they are prepared to hear-- or understand.

But they are her best friends, and she spends more time with them than she does with anybody else. Caribou Coffee, free movies, electronic sports bar games and paranormal investigations. They made a list of things to accomplish for the summer, and they are both so determined. She loves spending time with these boys, but it is hard for her to comprehend that they are her friends. And sometimes when she is with them, she thinks about how she is going to cut them out, without an explanation, is really sad, and has to lie when they ask her why she is upset.

She loves them more than they could ever understand, and knows that they will spend the short summer together. It will seem long though, even though it is so short, because they will spend the entirity of it together.

This is a girl who just doesn’t know what to do with herself, wants so badly to believe that her daily online horoscope is accurate and picks her cuticles when she’s nervous.

It was her birthday a few days ago. She couldn’t help but think of all of the things that happened in her 18th year. All of the times she cried in the darkened bathroom of her dorm room and watched episodes of The Office to make her feel like she would be okay. All of the friendships that were broken and all of the opportunities that were lost to sadness and apathy. But she knows that there were so many good things too. Homemade punch, Taco Bell runs, countless crossword puzzles and games of text twist. And soul mates. But she knows that it was her first birthday after all of these things. Her first birthday without a mother. Then she thinks about it all, and tries to convince herself that it doesn’t matter-- it’s just a day.

But she’s 19 now. And it doesn’t mean a thing. Not if the world is going to end in 2012 or she’ll never achieve anything more than what she did in high school. Not when she plans on cutting her best friends out of her life to ensure her own mental well-being. Not in this kind of world.

This is a girl who tries to live her life one day at a time. She falls asleep with a song in her head, thinking about what she’s going to wear the next day, the errands she will inevitably never run and what her and the other two will cross off the to-do list.

And at 3:16 in the morning, she shakes her head, remarking on all of the tragedy of her life and how she somehow still has so much in front of her. She’s happy that the air conditioning is finally fixed, pulls bobby pins out of her hair and asks herself: now what?

Now what.

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