Once again, I find myself standing over the old, laminate counter looking at that ancient, rusted out toaster. It must be circa 1983, if not older. I don’t think the brand even exists anymore. This is a sad day… I think I may have lost faith in it, and what has the world come to when a man can no longer trust his toaster? When a man can no longer count on something as simple as toast for breakfast. What would I do without that wonderfully flaky crust to greet me shortly after I wake up and carry me, valiantly, until about nine o’clock when I usually pass the vending machines on my way to anatomy and get a Snickers and a Pepsi? Nothing, that’s what. I need this Toaster to go to work, and I need this toaster to learn. It’s the only thing that can possibly get me through stats class.
I can’t make it through the morning without something toasted to utter perfection in that wondrous dark red, nearly maroon, box. O Toaster! Where would I be without you? You are the only thing I wake up for some mornings. Honestly, Toaster, I'd be unemployed, and possibly dead, if not for you. You're my motivation to keep going through day after day at my God forsaken job. I always think, "At least I'll get more toast out of this..." and once that thought makes its way into my mind I can go on working for as long as I need, because I know it's going to get me more of the sun colored ambrosia that we all call toast
Still, though, you are obscenely old for a kitchen appliance. Could you even make me that delicious, golden brown substance anymore? Can you still get me my daily waffle fix? I honestly don’t know. What will I do if you don’t? We’ve been through so much together, I’m not entirely sure if I can part with you, Toaster. We survived an earthquake, several tornados, many, many angry ex-girlfriends that threw anything within reach at me, (Well, my head to be specific) and a few burglaries. I couldn’t just throw you away, that wouldn’t be right; you’ve been far too good to me for that. I could just take you in for repairs, right? No, you don’t need repairs. I haven’t even tried you today, you may be alright. Yesterday’s problem was probably just a fluke that will never happen again. Plus, you gave me a reason to use that fire extinguisher. Yes... everything will be just fine.
What do I want for breakfast; what do I want to test this Toaster’s worth with? Waffles? Toast? Maybe even bagels? I cannot decide. The choices are too many! What would happen if I chose waffles, but I decided half way through that I want a bagel? I would go hungry because the waffle would dissatisfy me, and I wouldn’t be able to make the commitment to eating it.
Sadly, I think the best situation I have to look forward to is choosing my food, eating it, and being content, and only content. On the other hand the worst is the food equivalent of a Vegas marriage, where I’ll go to class hungry and not be able to concentrate, so I’ll fail the quiz and flunk out of the class, which will be my last straw, and I will be kicked out of school. That will cause my parents to disown me, and leave me to get a low paying job for the rest of my life, and then I will just end up dying in a gutter. This choice is far too big for me; I can’t make it.
Toaster, you know what to do! Tell me; please tell me what to make! You know better than anyone whether or not you can cook your legendary substance so please, please, Toaster, try. You will!? Excellent!
Here it goes, the final test; the test to see if you can deliver this edible dream to me one last time. Please do not fail me Toaster! Please!
In goes the toast, down goes the lever… and up go the sparks… Smoke fills the room, and I get to use my fire extinguisher again. At least there is a silver lining.
You know what? Forget it; I’ve got Captain Crunch in the cupboard, anyway.
© Copyright 2016 Jack Flagberry. All rights reserved.