Lethally Dank Memes

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Flash Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
Call ahead, FYI, you gonna die.

Submitted: August 05, 2015

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Submitted: August 05, 2015

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I'm a kitty cat, and I dance dance dance, and I dance dance dance

Jay loved humorous repetition. This particular meme was playing from the speakers of his old laptop for the third straight hour while the man browsed Craiglist.

I'm a kitty cat, and I dance dance dance, and I dance dance dance

Jay's watch alarm beeped, prompting the man to silence it then go through his bookmarks, which were many. It wasn't the only alarm set on the watch. He had seven more set for various days and time in the near future, aligned in his head in perfect order with Firefox's bookmark toolbar from left to right.

Jay clicked on the bookmark furthest to the left, which brought up the seller's page of the next guy on his list: Robert Muhr, selling a twelve-speed bike for eight-hundred US dollars. Well, was.

I'm a kitty cat, and I dance dance dance, and I dance dance dance

There was a long list of chat messages in AIM, open in a second browser window. The last message was from muhrman121 at 8:33 PM, five minutes ago, sent from the guy's phone: "am at police fuk u"

The first message was from one of Jay's many throwaways, two days ago. jaybirdz (3:13 PM): "I'm going to suffocate you two days from now, at 8:30 PM. Also, nice bike."

What lay between the first and last instant messages was a stream of taunts, trolling and abuse. Jay had kept the man online more than long enough to get into his phone.

I'm a kitty cat, and I dance dance dance, and I dance dance dance

Jay opened up another browser window, turning on his victim's phone remotely, just in time to hear the man choking and the police scrambling to his aid.

"Heimlich! Heimlich!" An unseen officer yelled.

"I'm trying!" another yelled back. "I don't know what he's choking on."

"Hemlock," Jay whispered, smiling. "You shouldn't drink so many Big Gulps from that Speedway every evening after work, Robert. Diabetes is a national epidemic."

Jay closed the video stream from the dead man's phone, then right-click deleted the man's bookmark from his browser toolbar.

I'm a kitty cat, and I dance dance dance, and I dance dance dance

Jay looked at his watch. 8:35 PM. Five minutes late from the promised time.

"Slipping," Jay chided himself.

He eyed the next bookmark that had slipped to the furthest left to replace the last one, knowing all the delicious details in his mind, instead of being written down, where the cops might find it.

Edward Mallard, of Chicago, who was selling a blender.

"A blender? Seriously?" Jay sighed. The chat history was full and still lively, though. He had a funny image in his head concerning what else might blend, but it just didn't feel feasible. Funny, but not feasible.

He was going to have to change the mood for this one.

Jay flipped through his Youtube history, then clicked on a favorite.

Badgers badgers badgers, badgers badgers badgers made Jay grin.


© Copyright 2019 Jack Motley. All rights reserved.

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