Ordnance School Logic

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: War and Military  |  House: Booksie Classic
I've got 99 problems, son, but a guided missile ain't one.

Submitted: July 01, 2015

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Submitted: July 01, 2015




(AWACS: Advanced Warning Air Controller System. Basically a humongous radar attached to a 747 with all kinds of advanced command and control gear to coordinate military units.)

AWACS: "Welcome back to 'Real Missile Talk Live'!"

Fleet applauds and cheers. The recovery helicopters whoop whoop their rotor blades in approval.

AWACS: "Today we have a real problem facing the current generation of guided missiles."

Sober, stoic silence.

AWACS: "Please welcome our guests for this evening: UGM-109B Tomahawk missile--!"

Mixed response from Naval section. Carriers look uncomfortable. Guided missile destroyers cheer.

AWACS: "--and the USS Target!"

Somewhere, perhaps in the rafters, a cricket chirps its lonely song.

AWACS: "Now, Tomahawk, would you tell us about the difficulties you face in your relationship with the USS Target"

Tomahawk: "Yes, you see...well, there are errors, and deviations. He moves sometimes, and I'm not sure where he is at any one time, but I'm pretty sure where he isn't, and I'm kind of sure where I'm not--"

USS Target: "Typical guided missile..."

Boos and whoops from the audience. Carriers unsure. Producer looks relieved all other guided missiles are in deployment at the time, else USS Target might need a destroyer escort to leave the theater.

AWACS: "Please let Tomahawk speak, Target, then you can have a turn."

Cheers, applause. Cricket feels inadequate; files complaint to IG.

Tomahawk: "What am I supposed to do? I know where I'm not going, and I know where I'm not supposed to be going, but I also have to factor in where I haven't been and where I'm not supposed to be, but he moves, and that causes error!"

USS Target: "You're trying to ram me with your warhead, you explosive bitch! What am I supposed to do? Stand still? Look at this!" Target pulls at a chain attached to its stern. "It's a literal anchor and chain!"

AWACS: "Now, don't get dramatic."

Tomahawk: "He does and doesn't do this all the time." Sniffles. "I don't know what to not expect, and yet I have to expect him not to be, you know?"

AWACS: "Not really, no."

Random carrier from the audience: "Guided missiles be crazy!"

Cricket's sense of inadequacy and lack of a consistent romantic partner in life leads cricket to commit suicide leaping from the rafters. No one notices.


© Copyright 2018 Jack Motley. All rights reserved.

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