For The Love I Almost Lost

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is the story about a girl. One who lost herself in the fictional works. The stories, the art, the ideas and the characters. They all pulled her in into this world filled with fandoms and great adventures. Allas, the more she sinks into this wonderful, blissful world, the more the poeple around her try to pull her out. She has sunken too deep and ignores the outside world. The place which she regards as the physical terrain, the same place she doesn't seem to want to go back to. Will a friend, one who stands with her during moments of anger and denial, convince her to come back? Or will she remain in this state of ignorance till the worst comes her way?

Submitted: July 05, 2016

A A A | A A A

Submitted: July 05, 2016



At this point it was automatic. One could say she was a natural with how she lost herself in her thoughts. The way her mind always found a route of escape from what was currently happening in the physical world. The way she had created her own little big world. It was automatic the way she zoned out from the naturally monotone voice that many tour guides possessed , as well as a few teachers. Her route of escape, tiled in fluffy clouds and multi colored shapes and forms, usually led her to different places. To different stories she had read. She loved living in them and she hated when they ended. So they never did. At least not here, not in this world that she had created for herself.

May was snapped out of her thinking. Quite literally as she found herself face first with the teacher snapping her fingers a few inches in front of her face. She recoiled in surprise, glaring at the interruption. The motion had taken her out of a great adventure, dragging her back to where she didn’t want to be.

"What?" Had been the irritated words the fourteen year old muttered. The teacher frowned in annoyance, but without further commentary she pointed at the exit of the museum. "The Tour ended a little while ago, you've been on the moon looking at the last part of the exhibition like a loon." May blinked at the words, she whirled around to see other students leaving and making a beeline to the bus. Only some had stayed to pay for something they had bought at the gift store.

"We're leaving soon so if you want to buy anything, Ms. Fisher, you might as well go." The teacher's voice blurred in the background as she walked towards the gift shop. May looked around a bit, before simply heading towards the bus. At least there she would be left to her thoughts, even if surrounded by other children. When she got there, she sat next to Clary, one of the only people who she actually talked to. May signaled the girl to leave her alone when she sat. She wasn't in the mood. Since last night May had wanted nothing else but to stay at home and ignore everything if she could. Even if staying at home meant spending time ignoring her mother’s snarky remarks.

"Again? You're never in the mood for anything these days." May didn't look, but from the annoyed tone she knew Clary had rolled her eyes. May knew that tone and as soon as she heard it she was reminded of her mother. She knew what was going to happen, or at least had an idea. An idea which was confirmed as the red head raised an eyebrow and tried to look directly at May's distracted gaze. "It's been like this for a while, darling. You've been ignoring everyone and I swear the only thing you interact recently with is a book and nothing more. What is happening, tell me at least!"

At the shorter girl’s ignorance Clary stood up, "Ok, got it. I'm tired of trying with you, of having to beg to you. I'm tired of being ignored by you, could you at least fake you're listening to me? At least look at me when I talk to you!" Clary's voice got louder and louder, until she found herself yelling at the girl, "May!"  

She laid her hand on May's shoulder and turned her over to look at her eyes. She expected to find a spec of annoyance in the girl's gaze. In the very least she expected a frustration similar to her own.  But what Clary didn't expect was the most bored stare one could find. May even had raised an eyebrow in what was the most dismissive and uninterested manner!

The younger girl cleared her voice and with a monotone tone, void of any sort of anger or frustration, she said, "Who asked you to do anything, to ask me anything, to help. I certainly did not." She accentuated the 'not', with a crevice of annoyance. "I have nothing I want to say, there's nothing wrong with not being in the mood so leave me alone."

Clary's expression morphed into one of hurt, her eyebrows tilted upwards while her lips tilted downwards. In what seemed like a whisper, heard by none of the new arrivals, she muttered a cracking "May, I only wanted to help.”. Pushing the shorter girls back into the seat, she curled into a ball on the back of the bus. The other students looked at the two girls. They looked at Clary with a bit of panic at not knowing what to do with a crying female and at May with open jaws in surprise. Who had known that the quiet little May could drive someone to tears? Much less her childhood companion.  

No one had been paying any particular attention at the discussion, for the inconsiderate loudness that hung around the bus made the yelling blur with the other much louder voices. The silence had started when the tears had leaked from the redhead's eyes and the noise had evaporated immediately when the teacher entered. The teacher took Clary to the front.  As she passed she gave May disapproving look, telling her that she expected her presence at the principal's office when they arrived at the school. When she got to the first seat on the bus the teacher sat alongside Clary and offered a hug as well as a comforting smile. Only after that did May stop paying attention to what was happening around her, once again being whisked back to her mind. The only place where she actually knew what to do. The place where she was in control of what happened and did what she wanted. The what, when, and why controlled by her and only her. No one but her.

The thing about losing herself in the lands of blurred reality was that she never really wanted to go out. Oh and also that you never truly had time to react to anything that happened around you. Meaning that she, distracted as she was, had not heard the screeching of the tires, nor the horn of cars. She only had the feeling of being thrown to the side and the eruption of pain on the top of her head to warn her that, Yup! You're in the middle of an accident that can and might be lethal to you! Nothing but incoherent thoughts entered her mind, pain and panic sending them out as fast as they arrived. She was too lost in the pain and fast paced thoughts to notice her own screams and those of her classmates. The world faded into nothing, blurred by white and black static. Before she noticed there was no noise, no visual, no pain, no anything.

It was only when she found herself thinking 'Wow, I look like an angry biju came and ate me', she noticed she was actually awake. She was actually awake and thinking. She could smell the familiar smell of cleaning products and medicine. She could hear hurried footsteps and the constant beeping sound that seemed to bounce off the walls of the otherwise silent light blue colored room. She moved, sitting up on the bed. She blinked and looked around. The room was empty other than the sole bed in the middle, the two wooden desks on each side of it and the dark blue chair under the closed window on the right side of the room. She couldn't exactly remember what led to her being here. What had happened.
Why wasn’t she in pain? Why wasn’t her head throbbing, it’s not that she wanted it to, but it was suppose to be a thing that happened when someone was hit. ‘ Wait, I was hit? ’ She hit… Something… What was it that she had hit? The bus floor? She had been on a field trip to- to the museum. She’d been on the bus, a verbal fight began and she… She made Clary cry. ‘Uh-oh…’ Was the only thing that came to her, she buried the added guilt to the back of her mind. Numbing down enough to remember or at least enough to be able to look back without a few tears slipping through. It’s not like she hadn’t made someone cry before. May could deal with the guilt.

So that’s what she did. May dealt with the guilt as she continued to go through what had happened. May sighed when she came to the part in which she lost consciousness. “How am I even awake...”.

The door creaked open, distracting her from her thoughts about the accident. She’d wish she hadn’t looked at who had opened it when she came face to face with her mother, Mary Fisher. Her mom appeared tired; she looked like a panda with the deep eye brags she’d gotten, most probably from lack of sleep, her shoulders tilted downwards in what appeared to be grief and her appearance appeared untidy. It was weird to see the woman that even for a simple walk in the park would nag her to wear something decent. It made her feel guilty, she’d cause it after all. May felt the guilt and blame that she had accumulated over time take over her mind. She looked at her mother and her eyes misted, only for rage to suddenly bubble in her belly.

Her mother didn’t flinch, didn’t move nor did she react to the words said by her daughter. May felt panic and hurt as her mother seemed to completely ignore her existence. ‘Like you’ve been doing to everyone else’, her mind snarked back, making her wince. She reached forward, towards her mother, only to freeze. Her eyes widened as a cold shiver ran up her spine. Her mind was invaded by the unconscious knowledge of her intangibility while the proof of it lay before her. May’s arm, which remained invisible to her mother and probably everyone else, was halfway through Mary’s shoulder.

She was terrified. She didn’t want to look down to see herself laying on the bed, paper pale and probably half dead, neither did she want to remain mid-arm inside her mother’s shoulder, frozen stiff in terror. ‘Can spirits even freeze?’ That was her last thought before she sprinted out of the bed and ran as fast as she could. Was she even running? Were her feet even touching the floor? Could she still touch the floor? Or the walls? Or the… anything? Her mind whirled as she ran without thinking. Why had she been so mad at her mom? Why was the pit of her tummy bubbling with rage and frustration? Why?

Her questions jogged her memories. She froze up. Her running slowed until she just stopped. She stopped moving, she stopped looking, she stopped hearing, she just stopped completely. May’s senses being overtaken by the memories of a verbal fight. The sore voice of her mother along with her frustrated comebacks and defensive comments. The memories- her memories- made her feel helpless and frustrated and angered and dejected. There were so many lingering emotions, it made her tear up and clench her fist at the same time. May pushed her emotions back, deciding to ignore them. She felt detached from the memory and when the fight played out in her mind's eye, she observed with a critical gaze.

Finding them mid-fight in any part of the house had been common for a while now.  The cause of the argument was always the same; May’s tendency to get lost inside her mind. May’s thinking led to distraction and her distraction led to her getting bad grades. In annoyance her mom took the stuff May loved above all.  May’s sketchbook, audiobooks, computer, phone.  She didn’t want her daughter losing time watching series and drawing and thinking and wasting more time. “May, you can’t keep doing this. You have to stop getting distracted, you need to pay attention in class! You have to let go of this stupid fantasy of yours!” Her mom would yell, enraging her further. Even so, instead of fighting she’d shut down and sink deeper into the wonderful world of fantasy.

That had been the natural day to day procedure until the night before the accident. May moved quickly,  packing her bag for school, organising her sketchbook and pencil case, as well as the rare notebook and textbook in size order. She been contemplating if looked far too empty or just filled out enough for her mom to not question. “Oh look, speak of  the devil…” she’d mumble, her voice not even reaching the mosquito on her shoulder.  Her mother had entered the room, in search of a hair brush, and knowing that May use to have a now-dead obsession with her hair she had gone in search of said  daughter. Mary had greeted May, only to be answered with a silent nod. Her mother would’ve asked what she came here to look for but Mary had been distracted by the stack of books on the study desk.  She’d sigh with a frown gracing her face and start a simple conversation with May, one which both knew would escalate.  “Don’t you understand that I’m worried about you? Do you know what will happen to your future if you continue this way? You are going to have no future. You are too lazy and lost to work and you keep yourself attached to this mindless genre of reading! At least get a history book!” Her mother screeched, pointing at the ‘Naruto’ manga and the ‘Ender’s Game’ book. Two of the four books she’d taken from the library that day.

“Why?” Had been the first word uttered by the small, steadily elevating voice, “Did I ever plead you to worry? No, I think not. Did I ever mention that I give two shellfishes that my future is virtually nonexistent, and last but not least, ” She took a deep breath, making her voice steady and void of the emotions that plagued her, “I might not read history but what I read is not mindless, it is what I love and what one loves is not useless, for in this world all  we have left in the very end are not our actions, but our emotions and memories. Our love and happiness, and if I have to clutch to the only one of those two which I have left, then I shall.”

The argument evaporated with shock, as her mother silently left. None of them dared to say anything else. May quickly found something to distract herself and as soon as her mom left with the hairbrush in hand she, once again, found comfort in the abyss known as her mind. The adventures and thoughts were much more pleasant. The movies and shows, the audio books and drawings. She loved all of that, all the time she spent drawing, watching or hearing anything that had to do with it. She loved the storylines, she loved the characters, she completely and utterly adored it all. It was so easy to lose yourself inside your mind, with the great company of other characters.

She thought about the feeling of being there. It helped contradict those of the fight, good feelings versus bad. She readily used her stories and the feelings that they evoked to forget. May wanted to forget. To forget about what just happened. To forget about the fast paced world that continued it’s hurried jog in time. To forget about the errors and the responsibilities that being there created. ‘Huh, maybe that’s why I ended up in this situation. Even my soul noticed I didn't belong in the living world…’ She theorized, lost in thought as she stood still, intangible and invisible to any other being.  

“Hey, are you ok? ” The interruption had made her frown. She’d been so caught up in her mind that she had failed to remember immediately that she was now in another room. With a nervous tone, the previous voice started to rant,  “Well, you can’t actually be 100 percent ok. Or can you? I mean, you’re dead and when someone turns into a ghosts it's mostly because of high inner turmoil or something like that. At least that's what google said... though google could be wrong. I highly doubt it,  google is like, a saint. Saint Google. As in, the site knows so many things, how dare one think it can be wrong. Though It sounds more like a school like that... “ It continued on and on and on. Only stopping when the girl noticed she’d gotten May’s attention.

‘Maybe emotional turmoil is a natural ghost thing.’ May thought as she looked through the current  mess that was her mind, fishing for words to make up something that hopefully would resemble an acceptable response but the only words that manage to leave her mouth were, “I’m not dead, I’m May.” The dirty blond girl didn’t seem to mind, giggling at the conflicted teen. The way the blond grinned and held her phone reminded the intangible girl of one small detail. “Uhhh… If I may ask, who are you? And how can you see me?”

The response had been quick and concise, leaving about 200 more unanswerable doubts, “My Names Lilian and I can see ghosts,” Lilian sat on one of the dark blue chairs and crossed a leg over the other. She waited to see if May would continue questioning her. Seeing as the spirit gave no hint of talking, she continued. “I pass through here all the time, checking up on random people and helping spirits pass on, it’s kinda like my destined job. ”

“Then why are you bothering me? I’m not a spirit.” Lilian raised an eyebrow.

“Are you sure? Cause you look pretty dead to me.”

“But I’m not.” At the confused gaze on the girl’s face, May elaborated a bit. “My body isn’t dead.”

Not wanting to continue the conversation, May absconded. She only wanted peace, quiet, and a place to think. She didn’t want trouble, curious people and a million-and-one questions.  She speed walked through the wall and out of the room. She entered another one and as soon as she noticed it was completely empty she went and sat on the bed. The room was similar to her own, from the blue tones to the wooden desks, the only difference being  the silence and emptiness that brought calm into her world. Calmness that was soon interrupted by the opening of a door.

May found herself, once again, face to face with the girl that she’d seen at the empty waiting room. ‘Lilian’, her mind corrected.  She sighed, wanting nothing more than to space out and leave the girl. But a feeling, one that rested deep inside of herself, urged her not to. So she let the seer be. May didn’t rage, nor did she ignore the blond but neither did she talk. She laid in silence on the blue hospital bed, hoping the girl would leave soon.

“Dude, what in the-What do you mean your body isn’t dead?” The blond questioned, walking over and sitting down on the semi-empty hospital bed. “Wait. Are you a coma ghost?!”  

May didn’t reply, refusing to encourage the start of the conversation. She hoped that if she didn’t answer the other girl would get fed up and leave. Unfortunately the blond didn’t stop talking. Lilian didn’t seem to care that May didn’t even utter a word. She kept questioning and theorizing, talking and grinning. Lilian had spent the day theorizing about Coma ghosts, most likely informing May what they were as well as trying to figure out if she actually was one. May half paid attention, actually kind-of interested in the topic. Supposedly coma ghost were, as one could eventually guess, a spirit formed from the inability of the soul to re-enter the body. It can be caused by many things, a heart attack, a hard blow to the head or an accident like May’s. The body affected was left in what can be recognized as a coma while it’s soul wandered around, always close. Lillian continued, coming up with ways to re-enter the body as well as coming up with theories as to why she might not be able to. She’d talk and talk. About ghosts and what they could do, about other non-ghostly topics as well. At the end of it all May could only stare at Lilian and ask herself how did the girl did not get tired of just talking.  

It was at the end of the ‘conversation’ that May had misstepped. She committed an error, a miscalculation one could call it. She had thought that maybe if she told Lillian that she didn’t want her help straight out she wouldn’t have to deal with the blond anymore. So when the blond stood up to leave May stopped her by muttering a soft ‘Wait’ before saying, “Lillian, leave me alone after this. I don’t want to return  and I’m not going to, so don’t bother. Help someone else. Someone who might actually want your help.”

Indeed, a miscalculation of great proportions. Not that May noticed. At least she hadn’t until Lillian stopped dead on her tracks and with a grin cheekily said, “So you are a comma ghost, I knew it!”

The living girl turned around to leave. Only to say one more thing before dramatically stepping out the door.  “May. You might not want my help, but you’ll need it. So I’ll stay, even if I’ll only serve you as company for now.”

May’s words had done the complete opposite of their purpose. They had been created to erase Lillian from the equation. Instead they  glued Lillian to May. Something the spirit would only be grateful for in the future.

Time flew by and May found herself lost in her adventures everyday. She liked every minute of it, savoring the taste of freedom. The freedom which granted her the ability to think without interruptions. With her new found freedom she didn’t have to care. She didn’t have to be considerate nor did she have to play along with what others wanted. She could do what she wanted. May was now not tied down by her body nor her life. She was now free.

May’s freedom was only interrupted by Lilian. The only person who could. It didn’t matter where May hid, Lillian always found her. The blond would spend the day with her. Talking and talking. Sometimes she’d get a response. Sometimes she didn’t. It’s not like that deterred her from continuing. It had become a routine of sorts to visit May at the hospital.

She’d been doing it for five weeks before it happened. She had been surprised at first since being the person that dragged May out of her shell constantly put her in the youngest’s black list. Maybe the brunette was growing fond of the the blond? Or would that be pushing it? Or maybe it could be the solitude of the ghostly life unconsciously taking a toll on her? Humans are social creatures after all. Or maybe it was more of becoming less of an annoyance to the other girl.

Taking everything into consideration May had started talking more to Lillian by the third week. She’d come out of her shell and chat, even if only for a little while at first. The first time May had asked why she’d stay at the hospital helping the nonliving. The second time May had started a conversation it had been a weird question. If Lillian remembered correctly it had been something like, “If you could have any superpower, which would it be?“ As time continued to pass, May seemed to pay more attention to Lillian, and for that she was happy.

The day May had started this particular conversation they had been sitting in the same blue hospital room. May had grown to like this room. She preferred this one more than her own room. May was on the bed, laying on it spread out similar to a starfish while Lillian sat criss-cross-applesauce on the dark blue chair. The blond had been going on and on about this amazing pizza place she had gone with her mother, at one point she even said, “That pizza is totally worth it! Return for the pizza! Even I would come back for it.”

“You’d go back for anything that resembles food, Lillian.” She deadpanned, the corner of her lips twitching a bit  in amusement.

“Aha! She lives!” The blonde raised her arms in a small celebration.

“Lillian?” The brunette twisted her position to look at the other girl.


“Can mothers grow to hate their children?”

“Huh!?” Lillian exclaimed as her eyes widened in surprise, “How’dya go from pizza to this, woman?!”

“Shut up and answer me, please.” The blond bit back her cheeky comeback, taken aback by the pleading. Lillian shifted by hugging one of her legs to her chest before answering. “I guess so, but only in extreme situations. Why’d you ask?”

“I…” May hesitated, before standing up and leaving. No others words were exchanged after she’d mumbled before floating out. “I’m going for a walk.”

Three more days passed before May told Lillian about her mother. She’d been afraid to tell anyone of the fights between her mother and her.  Each time she tried to tell anyone doubts entered her mind, destroying her courage like a tornado would a town. May was afraid that maybe whoever she told would agree with her mother. She believed they would agree, they’d later on do exactly the same as her mother did. They would try to force her into that world, the physical one. The one  in which reigned the pain and hurt. The world in which she was only a disappointment.

With courage that she didn’t know she had May told Lillian. She told her everything. She told her about her tendencies to travel to her mind and get lost there. Lillian had interrupted her to comment- “Ohhh... So that’s what the glassy, distracted look meant! You always have it before I snap you out of it!”- before May could continue. She’d told her about the fight with her childhood friend at the bus and everything from weeks before to the accident. She felt a little lighter at heart by the end of her storytime but no less apprehensive. She’d finish her story with a sigh and finally said, “I don’t want to go back there to be subject to hurtful words and disappointed stares. I really, really don’t want to.”

At the end of it all Lillian, who had been standing near now moved towards the chair in the side. She calmly picked up her bag, before facing the brunnette.  “May,” Her voice had been soft, “I won’t say anything else about the topic other than this. The disappointment and hurtful words were directed at you for a reason. It was wrong for them to do that though, but think about what you did. You shut them out and you kicked and scratched them when they tried to come near. I understand that you want to lose yourself in this wonderful place you described, the place where you can be you. I truly do understand this. But is this really what you want? Is losing a lifetime of love, be it from your mother or your friends, worth it”

Lillian gave her a reassuring smile, “Is love worth losing for the momentary happiness that you gain from adventuring through your mind. Tell me May, have you been truly happy as a spirit? Isolated and cold in this dark hospital room with only yourself for company when I am not here. Happiness is fleeting, but the love and the memories and the sheer joy you gain from being with your love ones is something worth sacrificing even if a bit of your time for. You’d still get to be yourself. You’d still be able to adventure and have fun in your books and series even if not as much as before.”  

May stared at the floor, an empty look in her eyes. “Could you,” her eyes stung and as much as she tried to ignore the feeling she couldn’t deny the hot tears that were sliding down her cheeks. “Co-Could you- Ju- Just leave Li-Lillian…”

Lillian bit her lower lip in concern, but walked out the door looking back only once before finally leaving with a heavy heart.

May had known this was going to happen. She’d known and yet she told her. Her thoughts were drowned by her tears and choked by the knot in her throat. The tears she’d been blinking way became too much and she cried. She cried out of frustration. Out of her inability to do anything right. Out of her lack of tact towards Clary. She cried for everything she told her mother, the way she had treated her and the way she had blocked her out. She cried for the love she almost completely lost. She cried for Lillian. Her emotions were as much of a mess as she was at the moment. When the tears dried out she felt tired and sore, but sleep didn’t meet her. She was a soul out of the limitations of her body, she didn’t need it nor could she do it.

Without being able to rest she laid on the bed tightly curled into a ball. Before long she felt the familiar effects of being dragged into a memory. The memory was sunny. The blinding rays of the sun hit her as she sat on the co-pilot seat of a blue Jeep. She remembered Naming the Jeep ‘Bull’ to match the names of the Family van which she’d name Cow.  Mom was driving with a smile on her face as both of them talked. The conversation had been a funny one since they both found themselves laughing. The laughs and jokes shared by both her and her mother brought smiles upon both. May watched the memory with sad eyes. She hadn’t remembered a time when they had been having such a good time. No fights, no discussion, no disappointment.

“When had- When did this change?” The words escaped from her mouth in a soft and broken whisper. No other noise was heard for the rest of the night as May laid pensive on the blue bed, in the empty hospital room.

For a period of time she hadn’t cared enough to even estimate May had been locked in the empty hospital room. She’d come out after her lapse with new realizations after hours and hours of thinking. She’d come to the realization that, “I’m scared. It’s easier to lose myself here. Inn a thought filled world. It’s so much easier than having to go and wander in a world where I’m bound to make a mistake, a place which I admit, I’m to scared to live in. Can I really make it through, can I really do it, can I really go back?‘

Doubts invaded her mind. The sheer amount almost making her fall back to her world in defeat. But a thought came into mind. No. Not a thought, a person. A dirty blond girl with the greenest eyes and the brightest smile. May stood strong on her feet, maintaining her steady  pace as she searched for the girl.  The same girl who had given her hope and courage, the same girl who had held her gaze and said in a clear, determined voice. “I’m here when you need me, no matter what you decide to do.”

She was decided. She was going to do this but she couldn’t do this alone. She couldn’t- She can’t do it without her.

© Copyright 2019 Jacquelyn. All rights reserved.

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