Stay Gone

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
Was it ever truly yours, if it leaves?

Submitted: December 24, 2011

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Submitted: December 24, 2011

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 He came back the other day. It was strange how we picked up right where we left off, mid-argument. And, after the screaming and bickering was done, he just smiled at me. That's when he walked up to me, and hugged me. "I missed you", he said.  The whole time he's holding me, and talking, I'm stiff. My arms stay at my sides, and I look around as if maybe he has mistaken me for someone else, but we are alone. Alone. He is still holding me as he tells me things like, "I'm sorry for hurting you. I am sorry for not making you stay... I'm sorry.." and he just keeps going on that way. I can't recall all the things he produces an apology for, but he doesn't let me go until he stops. And then, its only after he squeezes me tightly, turns his head and kisses my cheek.

"I love you..", the words.. those are his last three words, before he unhands me, before he releases me. And, I stand there staring at him, with trillions of words that had been left unsaid all that time ago falling to the floor. Falling, and no longer being the ammunition that I had practiced to say, to put a bullet hole through those very words. Strong, I said. I said I would be prepared, and strong for when this day arrived. Strong. Pfft.. Yeah.. right. 

He waits. He is still smiling, but beneath that grin there is something new. This time I can see the edges faltering. There is something he is waiting to tell me. He wants those three words echoed back before he can. His eyes are masked, but still.. the pleading is behind them. They reach out to me, and scream.. 'You've got to say them! Just tell me, like you used too.. Oh, all the promises I have for you...but you have to assure me, assure me that you want them.. And, me". Those sad, sad eyes. Green as they could ever be. And, I only stand there. I read into his posture, that cocky stance. I read into his face, that I have so loved. I read into the man that has replaced the boy I used to know, to stand before me this way.

I read need. I read weakness. I read fear, and I understand. Sweeping the dark hair from my face, I give him the first smile that he's seen from me in.. a long time. I take a deep breath, and pause. I know the words I am supposed to say. The words I have been training to say, in case this day came upon me. But, looking into those eyes.. the same eyes that still haunt my dreams.. That body that I have held, pressed my own against in passion, in love.. I know it's shape, the way his broad shoulders extend before melting into his chest.. the one I laid my head  upon, hoping my heart would find the beat of his with a steadiness. I know the lack of hips where my hands have been known to rest in a teasing jest. I know the strength, and shape of those legs. I know the scars there, bandaging more than I caused. I know the back, that beautiful canvas that I drew pictures upon while he slept. I know the tussle of hair, my hands tangling themselves within the brown forest... but, I know those eyes.

And, its the eyes that chill me. The eyes that make me hesitate.. because they bore into me, and through me. They, as I know him, have known me. All of me. I have been standing here forever since he made his silent promises, and out loud confession. Two forevers, possibly, to him. The rest of the world, however, has only gone on for a mere two minutes. Two minutes waiting for that golden response..

"So, what brings you out this way?", I fail. I give him none of the emotions that have been boiling beneath the lid. I give him no satisfaction of the heart, by shouting in joy and giving him the words his heart yearns to hear, followed by jumping into his arms. And, I fail. His face never falters. He won't allow it, but those eyes.. they seem different now. The waiting is still there, because he knows me. He knows that those words.. they are armageddon to me. He knows that I have a fear in me, and that inside I am quaking. He waits, but makes the small talk, all the same.

"You.", he hasn't always been this blunt. I have known days where I have fought him to say things this forthright, and days that I have wanted to slap the color from his mouth for doing just that. Today is not either day. Today I have want for him to lie.  He won't. He doesn't see it needed, he doesn't understand that my heart is bleeding.. and, I am surely going to die before him, in a puddle of words left unsaid. He doesn't move, but his grin creeps into his eyes, and I know that I am now the color of his lips.. Oh, those soft, lush creatures. I have tasted the most foul poultices, presented to me on those sweet rubies. And, here.. here I am changing my skin, in front of him, because of what they pour into my ear.. marinating my heart. 

He senses, he believes, that he has won. The blush, the hesitation..the way my eyes can no longer meet his. He knows it is coming. I am going to condemn myself to a life at his promises mercy, once again. Oh, and they are such sweet promises..

I want to pinch myself. To wake from this dream, this nightmare..but it is real. Too real. And, I know it will not work. I will stand here, pinching my arm until the blood has turned my fingers pink - matching the blush that has befallen me. Looking the fool - a portrait I have come to done often.

"You left me, alone. In a house full of people who cared nothing for me, you left me. And, the worst of it is, you were there. You were there, and I was alone. Promises, or none, I cannot give you what yearns to be yours. It fears the fall more than it knows the warmth of your touch.", I had to say that, didn't I? I had remind myself of his body's warmth. How, on frozen winter's nights, I wrapped myself in his sleeping arms.. and pretended that they wanted to hold me. That in half an hour he would not push me away, but pull me closer and share his warmth. Cold, winter's me.. would need his spring body, his summer's warmth..

"I have not so much changed that I don't remember. That I have lost all of what we could be, what we should have been by now. I am not so different now that I do not want it more so  than I have the sense in me to know better.", and here my voice breaks.. here my walls fall, and the oceans I have locked away since the beginning of my damming days crash against me, and I drown in them. "I have so much that I wish to give to you, and accept from you. Yet, you died all that time ago. You died when you left me alone in that house, in that room.. And, ventured for another that might bring you back to life. That might breathe life into your lungs, and bring you back from your vampiric slumber. You lost me then, and cared not... You cast yourself away, and might not have known you would wish to return.. that you had left behind the very thing you love, that loves you completely.. Perhaps you did not know, and now you do. Unfortunately, you know too late. And, I... I don't know you. I cannot love whom I don't know.", my eyes clear of their flood, rise and find his. I stand firm, though my stomach has turned to jello.

And, I am ready for an assault of "but", and "you don't mean that".. or the sorrowful, "I'll just go", with his head bent and eyes searching for me to stop him, even as he walks away. But, he doesn't say either. He doesn't move, but stares into my reddening blue-green eyes. He stares, without a word, for a long time..

And, for what he says.. I am not prepared.

" Have a nice life then, huh?", there is a smile plastered to his face, but I can see the cracks breaking beneath the weight of my rejection. " Can you believe this woman? I throw it all on the table, apologize for things I'm not even sure I did wrong, and tell her that I need her. That I love her, and she.. she spits on it all. As if I never hurt at all! As if her leaving did not gouge out my reason to live, that I didn't become a master of disguise - better than before.", he speaks as if he is half-delirious, as if it isn't just the two of us in the room. I strongly believe he has an invisible audience with us, one I just can't see. "As if she doesn't remember the last time we were faced with, ' Have a nice life, I'm done trying. I don't care'."

My eyes widen, and I stare at him with eyes half full of tears. The words coming back in a flash, as if they were actually spoken by me. As if their sentiment was something I believed, something I had actually said to him. And, in that moment.. I watch as he leaves something on the table, and walks away deflated. Everything has to be easier this way. Easier for him..and easier for me. "Have a nice life...." he says, his last words before he turns his eyes away from me, for the last time.

I watch him as he walks away, his shoulders never once slumping as anyone might expect. His head is held high and, I guess,  he is probably wearing that grin that always makes me smile. Of course, there is no way of telling. My legs are still rubbery, and though I want to run after him.. I just can't seem to find the courage of facing that smile. My last words, whispered, as I look down to see the silver glisten against the light.. A claddagh, just as beautiful as the one I had shown him a million times before. The one I pointed out, whenever we talked of marriage and things I wanted. The list wasn't very long. Calla lilies, moonlight, candles, stars and the damned ring in his hand, as strong as the promise we always talked of making.

That last whisper escapes as I hold the small, stoneless ring in the palm of my hand... " Oh, the cleverness of you."..

He remembered.. I close my eyes, leaning against the wall, as emotions roll, crystals, down my cheeks. What does it mean?

What does any of it truly mean?


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