My Hero, Your Villian

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is an essay I had to write for English about an event in life that helped me to grow up.
This is a true story, my life in black & white.
I hope you enjoy.

Submitted: October 31, 2011

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Submitted: October 31, 2011

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My Hero, Your Villain.

I wish I could stay that age where I was a fragile and helpless baby. Where he would cuddle me in his arms and hold on to me as if I was the most important thing in his life. I've learned I'm not. I can't live in this moment, I need to grow up. I won't allow you to be my excuse for failure but to be my motivation for success.

One morning you wake up and life is perfect. The sun shines, the flowers bloom. You smile because you woke up knowing that somebody out there loved and cared about you. It made life easier. But as you can see I'm speaking in past tense. Which means I'm talking about what use to be, that person is no longer with me. No silly, not dead. Just not in my life anymore. The man I'm talking about is my dad. He use to be my hero, but to everyone else he's a villain.

The last time I remember seeing my dad I was nine years old. He called telling me that if I ever needed him he'd be there for me. Promised me he'd be around more often. Promises get broken, much like I've gotten broken. Six years have passed and every year I slowly begin to forget who he is. That call is the only thing I can recall of my dad. I know we have pictures of me and him from when I was younger but they are now buried deep in boxes that have collected years of dust and will collect plenty more. I refuse to allow myself to look back on those times and feel sorry for myself. I'm constantly moving forward there is no time to look back and dwell in the past.

I use to sit and wonder about my dad day and night. I'd wonder where he was, who was he with, what was he doing. I'd pray he was wondering about me too. But I've came to learn my dad has other things to worry about, like if he owes someone who's dangerous money, or if when he wakes up tomorrow he could say the wrong thing to the wrong person and end up dead on the jail cell floor. My dad has worse things to worry about then his 14 year old daughter, he has to worry about coming out alive. I don't want him to worry about me. He needs to worry about the man that he is and the man I want him to be. He needs to clean up his life, I won't allow him to make a mess of mine.

This experience made me grow because for the first time in my life I realized I can't stay the little girl I was who cried over her dad not being around and walked around feeling sorry for herself. I need to keep moving forward and not give another reason to hold myself back. My dad made his mistakes and faced the consequences. Tears won't remove those cuffs around his wrist, the sins in his heart, or the guilt in his soul. I won't cry anymore, I will smile because I don't want to end up where my dad is. I want to be a better person then that. I don't want to have a daughter someday who feels the same why I do. I don't want my daughter to feels as if she wasn't good enough for me to stay. I don't want to ever make one of my children feel the way I felt for so long.

My life is moving forward, I need to keep up. My dad will always be somewhere in the back of my mind but my goals and dreams will be in the front. Keeping me moving not slowing me down. I thank you dad, for teaching me about the person I don't want to be. You've made me grow up, I am not your little girl anymore. Your not my excuse to fail, but your my motivation to succeed. I'm a seed in the earth, now step back and let me grow. Please don't cast your shade upon me.

 


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