[The Lord of the Rings Shire theme plays. A man can be heard clearing his throat, the music stops.]
Narrator: The Shire is the most boring place in Middle – Earth and as a consequence of this it has been left alone by those who have any sense. Indeed there is only one race in Middle-Earth stupid enough to live in the Shire; they are called Hobbits. Hobbits are an incredibly small and dull species, who enjoy nothing more than recording who gave birth to who in obsessive, and often scary, detail, and unfortunately this tale is almost entirely about Hobbits, and how some of them actually did something other than eat; once. The Hobbit with whom we are concerned is a Mr. Frodo Baggins, nephew of Mr. Bilbo Baggins, now I’m doing it, who had an adventure in which he found the ring that Frodo is now tasked with destroying, ironic isn’t it? [Pause] We find our hero and his companions, Mr. Samwise Gamgee, Mr. Meriadoc Brandybuck, and Mr. Perrigrin Took, being perused by some thugs in black hoodies almost immediately after the most dim-witted wizard in existence, Gandalf the Grey, has let them leave the Shire.
[Galloping can heard getting louder and louder, it is accompanied by the drunken cries of the Thugs.]
Frodo: [Shouting] Keep running there’s a forest up ahead we can hide in!
Sam: I don’t know Mr. Frodo, son of –
Frodo: [Interrupts Sam] Get to the point Sam!
Sam: Well, Mr. Frodo my old Gaffer told me that the forest is haunted by the spirit of a singing idiot.
Frodo: Yes Sam, but your old Gaffer also says that the potatoes are to out to get him.
Sam: That's true.
[The Galloping stops and the addled cries of the Thugs turn into angry, although illegible, shouting. The rustling of bushes and the thud of Hobbit feet can now be heard.]
Tom Bombadil: [Quietly, as if in the distance] Old Tom, Tom Bombadil was cut from the film.
Merry: What was that?
Pippin: I don't know Merry, maybe Sam's old Gaffer was right.
Frodo: Don't be stupid, I'm not even sure I heard anyth-
Tom Bombadil: [Very Loudly, as if next to the Hobbits] Old Tom, Tom Bombadil, is very angry about being cut from the film!
[All the Hobbits scream, and frantic rustling can be heard, it slowly fades out and the Narrators voice is the only sound that can be heard.]
Narrator: For you see the Hobbits had stumbled upon the lair of Tom Bombadil, a character so strange and scary that he was deemed to weird for a mainstream audience and was cut from the film. To cut a long story short Tom kidnapped the childlike Hobbits and kept them in his house for the next three days. Eventually he let them free, and they braved dangers such as, moving trees, and barrow whites, creatures so pathetic that they live in hills and kill their prey through the use of music, a lifestyle in many ways similar to that of the Hobbit. Before long the Hobbits found themselves in the Prancing Pony, a quaint little bar in the middle of the town of Bree.
[Drunken singing and shouting can be heard in the background. The sound of a door creaking open resonates above all other sounds, the shouting and singing stops and silence prevails over the Inn.]
Innkeeper: [In a Yorkshire accent] Bloody 'ell; new customers! If you don't mind me saying so young sirs your very short, are you by any chance 'obbits?
Frodo: Yes we are Hobbits, and I'm older than you I'll bet you; I'm 50 years old in Hobbit terms.
Innkeeper: I meant no offense Master 'obbit, we just don't get that many 'obbits around 'ere is all. We 'ave several 'obbit sized rooms if your interested, I'll just need to take your name.
Frodo: Gandalf told me to use the name of Underhill.
Innkeeper: Right then, Mr. Under'ill, let me show you to your accommodation.
[Loud footsteps thunder loudly, whilst the drunken cries resume.]
Innkeeper: Here we are then Master 'obbits.
Frodo: [Shouting] It's a cupboard, you idiot!
Innkeeper: Well of course Master 'obbits, it's 'obbit sized. 'Ow about a song then?
Frodo: [Shouting] No, sod off!
[The door slams, and the background noise of drunken shouting and singing fades out.]
Merry: It's a bit cramped in here.
Aragorn : I would say so.
Sam: Who are you?
Aragorn: I'm Aragorn, or Strider if it pleases you, they keep me in here.
Narrator: So it happened that the Hobbits came across Aragorn, which was good thing because he helped them avoid the hoodies that pursued them almost relentlessly, stopping only at the many bars on the way. Eventually the hoodies caught up with the Hobbits at Weathertop, a hill in the middle on nowhere, and in a drunken rage knifed poor Frodo. After fighting the rest of the hoodies off with a piece of wood that he found in an alley, Aragorn took the Hobbits to the city of Rivendell. They arrived just in time for the last council of Elrond.
[ The sound of birds can be heard in the background, Frodo groans.]
Frodo: How long was I out for?
Gandalf: Long enough.
Frodo: [Happily] Gandalf! Why weren't you at the Prancing Pony, like we agreed.
Gandalf: [Solemnly] I am sorry Frodo, but I was delayed. It appears my mentor Saruman the White has sided with the evil of Mordor. You see -
Frodo: [Interrupting Gandalf] I'm sorry, how long was I out for?
Gandalf: Long enough.
Frodo: Long enough for what?
Gandalf: Long enough for us to decide that you're going to take the ring to Mordor and cast it into the fires of Mt. Doom, the one place it's magic can be undone.
Frodo: [Angrily] Wait I didn't agree to that!
Gandalf: That's why we tied you to a horse and set off for the mines of Moria.
[The background sound changes from the sound of bird song to the sound of a harsh wind whistling through a valley.]
Frodo: [Sarcastically] Brilliant.
Gandalf: Isn't it just? If only I could figure out how to get this bloody door open. I've been trying for ages, nothing works, I've tried every spell in the book.
Frodo: “Speak friend and enter.” It's a riddle you moron! What's the elvish word for friend?
[The sound of a door creaking open plays over the background sound.]
Frodo: You're an awful wizard you know.
Gandalf: [Snapping] Shut up.
Frodo: Funny, I was expecting something else to happen.
Gandalf: Like what?
Frodo: I don't know, a giant squid attacking us or something.
Gandalf: Don't be stupid.
Narrator: Upon hearing this conversation the giant squid in the lake next to Moria decided that now all the surprise was gone, there wasn't very much point in attacking the fellowship at all, and swam away to re-think it's life. So it came to pass that fellowship of the ring, consisting of, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas the Elf, Gimli the Dwarf, and Boromir the man; passed through Moria mostly uninterrupted. That is until they chanced upon an infestation of Goblins. Goblins are a wholly unpleasant species who enjoy killing any other race for fun, they are generally regarded as the worst dinner guests in Middle-Earth.
[Manic cackling can be heard, it is quiet as if it is in the background, footsteps can be heard getting louder, The Lord of the Rings heroic music can be heard playing lightly in the background]
Boromir: [Shouting] Gandalf, we can hold them here!
Gandalf: [Shouting] You guys can if you want, but I'm getting out of here.
Narrator: But there are older and fouler things than Goblins in the depths of the world, and with all the racket that the chase had been making, one of them had just woken up. The creature that had just woken up was The Balrog, and was pretty set on killing the fellowship. Gandalf being the only wizard decided it was only fair that he faced the music; for once.
Gandalf: [Speaking in a booming voice that isn't quite his own] You cannot pass! I am a servant of a fire thingie, wielder of a big stick. The big swirly black stuff shan't help you, big bad guy! Go away! You shall not pass!
Narrator: Gandalf's spell brought down the bridge and the Balrog fell into the gaping hole below. He swung his flaming whip at Gandalf and caught him by the leg, pulling him into the pit below.
Narrator: And so it came to pass that Gandalf the Grey fell into shadow, after this the fellowship had no idea what to do except run. They ran and they ran until they reached the forest of Lothlorien, another elven habitat. As it happens elves really aren't of much importance from now on, and really don't do much now in truth. Many tears were shed for Gandalf that night. After staying in Lothlorien for the night the fellowship made their way along a river, and were ambushed. Frodo and Sam escaped in a boat, and we shall deal with their predicament after we have dealt with that of the rest of the fellowship. Boromir was struck by an arrow in the fight and died.
Boromir: No I didn't!
Narrator: Boromir was struck by two arrows and died.
Boromir: Not quite!
Narrator: Boromir, was hit by a canon-ball and died.
Boromir: [Weakly] Fair play.
Narrator: Merry and Pippin were kidnapped by the Uruk-Hai an Orc horde bread for war, and Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas began to track these Orcs with the hope of rescuing their friends.
[Lord of the Rings landscape music plays in the background.]
Narrator: As for Frodo and Sam they continued their quest to destroy the ring. This where we must leave our heroes for now, standing upon the brink of oblivion, the fate of the world resting upon their shoulders. Wait a minute -
[The music comes to an abrupt halt]
Narrator: That isn't the end?
Man : No, there are two more.
Narrator: I quit then.
© Copyright 2017 James Robert Bell. All rights reserved.
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