I am a point, a tangible link between two others.
Connected with thin, taut, and fickle strings.
A brother… A lover… and I am another.
Content upon grim thoughts, worth no more than a nickel.
*****
My life hangs in the balance, but who should care?
When a triangle’s lost ropes, only lead to a segment of hope.
Mentally molested, is it not enough that life’s not fair?
You pull and twist my mind, then I’m expected to cope.
***
I am a point, alone and lost.
No more strings, except the things that you secretly converse.
I am a point; beaten, bruised, confused, crucified, and crossed.
Excluded, polluted, diluted, and left with a transferable curse.
*****
My life hangs in the balance, but they don’t care.
When a triangle’s lost ropes only lead to a segment of hope.
© Copyright 2019 Jamie Rambo. All rights reserved.
Comments
What I am getting from this is that you are one tip of the triangle with two other sides to you. - "I am a point, a tangible link between two others"
However, you later say "I am a point, alone and lost". A point on a triangle is never alone, so is this a metaphor I am missing or something esoteric?
I also did not quite understand the "When a triangle’s lost ropes, only lead to a ray of hope". Is that why people don't care? Because they see hope for you?
Otherwise, it's a very dark piece, with your "triangle" crumbling.
It took me a few more read-throughs to understand the point behind "a triangle’s lost ropes, only lead to a segment of hope". As a whole triangle is solid, full of hope, but broken up, "only segments of hope" :)
I've also come to a conclusion that your triangle has crumbled,, hence why "I am a point, a tangible link and later, "I am a point, alone and lost".
The only remark I have to make now, is in the repetition of saying "I am a point", in the 1st and 3rd line of the 3rd stanza.
I may bring things up, but don't feel obligated to change your writing. Only consider change if what I say makes you think and reinforces what you've been thinking about the said poem.
I am just a man with an opinion after all :)
Happy writing.
Well the repetition may be known as a flaw, yet I tend to think of it as a call sign of sorts. I am sorry if it stings the mind upon insert, but it's just how it came out.
It has occurred in a few other poems of mine as well.
Thank you once again for the critique and comment, truly appreciated.
J. R.
Hmm :( what I get is sad....The hopelessness that one feels when life is unfair and seems that no one cares. Anyway...great poem...and I don't read them much because I've found most are just rhymes with no context.
Excellent work on this poem! Very well written and I like the way you have this written out. Well done! :)
oh wow, so deep, powerful!! You have a cool way of writing, unique and special!
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