And the Sun Was Shining

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Literary Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

Peter, a school boy suffering from psychological depression, struggles to stay sane under the pressure of his misconstrued point of view on a near death experience.
Written in a stream of consciousness narrative style inspired by the Quentin chapter in The Sound and The Fury by William Faulkner.

   I shut the door. I fucking hate school. Everyone thinks I’m some kind of freak, a weirdo. They all hate me, they all want me to die. I’m mad. I was always mad. I threw my backpack next to the cabinet full of crystal and wiped the sweat off of my forehead. But that’s okay Theyre all going to see some day how they shouldn’t have made fun of me. My feet hurt and I was thirsty. But I didn’t want to drink anything. My throat was warm and I didn‘t want it to get cold. I walked through the bright corridor to my room door. It was dark and blank and I always locked it before I left for school. I only left for school. Why do I still go to school, I hate school so god damn much.  A lock clicked and I could hear James’ room door open somewhere around me. “You should call mom; let her know you’re here.”
I ignored him and went into my room.
It was warm. I turned on the fan and it started to spin. Spinning spinning I watched my shadow slither over the walls, glazed over from the lamplight. My shadow is mad, too.
The walls are black I want to paint the world black ”I like your room like this, do you really hate this color so much?”
“You can’t tell me what to do, mom. Mind your own business.”
“Peter, what‘s happening to you? You‘re a good boy, I know you‘re a good boy. Please, Peter” get out of my room. I want to paint now. I like painting. I wish I could paint forever.
I started to get cold, and walked back to turn the fan off. I hate how the fan doesn’t turn off when I want it to. I hate how it wants me to be cold all the time. I reached into the closet next to me and I picked out my Jacket. It’s my favorite Jacket. It’s black and it keeps me warm when they stare me down with their icy stares. Dont look at me. I hate you so much. All of you. The fan hasn’t stopped yet, but my Jacket kept me warm.
I have nothing to do. This is all so pointless. We’re all going to die anyways. I let myself fall onto the dark blue covers of my bed. Theyre so soft. I wish I could lay here lay here until I died. Soft like the way you hold me I wish you loved me like you used to love me but nobody loves me anymore. Nobody loves me. I was so scared out there and nobody cared about me. So scared I couldnt breathe James and Dad both joking about it always hoping it would actually happen always wishing I had never been born and mom was laughing too how could you mom i thought you loved me how could you i’m going to kill you in your sleep i will make you cry just like you made me cry you made me cry mom how could you
I felt so cold. My hands were shaking and the warmth was leaving through my eyes. Just let it go now if I let it go I don’t have to let it go when everyone is looking at me with their icy stares. Ill kill you all. I couldn’t breathe and I was so cold. I couldn’t breathe because I was cold, that’s why. I sat on my bed and grabbed the lighter on the glass nightstand.
I could see me staring back to me.
I tried to start the fire, but I couldn’t start the fire and I dropped the lighter by accident. I stood to pick it up and I could see me staring back at me. I picked up the lighter and tried again. This time the fire went and I put it close to my face. I stopped shaking and I breathed deep. It’s so warm.
Is that why you like the summer so much.
Yeah, its my favorite season. I dont even have to go to school in the summer.
I like the summer because I get to play with you. We dont get a lot of time together because Im always working and you have school. Summer gives us that time though. Im glad we can spend that time together.
youre a lying bitch 
I wasn’t sad anymore. I was mad. I was mad again. I wanted to throw something. I dropped my lighter. I heard it hit the floor it hit the floor my lighter hit the floor and I grabbed. My hand touched something so I grabbed it. I grabbed it and I threw it against the black walls. Suddenly the light was gone from my room and I felt alone. I felt good without the stupid blinding light. I wiped the heat from my cheeks. Im done. I dont want to cry again. I will never cry ever again.
I felt good in the dark. There wasn’t any light to bother me. No one could look at me through my windows with their icy stares. And they couldnt tell me I was a bad person for doing this. They shouldnt anyways. Its art. Art is beautiful and no one can tell me that my art is wrong. I love painting and I can paint whenever I want. Then the door opened. I dropped my brush covered my face from the light in the corridor. Mom was screaming she was screaming at my art like everyone else screamed at my art like the counselor screams at my art of all people mom you screamed at my art and I thought you would love it mom I was only painting for you, mom cant you see why don’t you love me why don’t you love my art
I was on the floor now I was so cold and I was crying I picked up the lighter and I tried to make the fire come but my fire wouldnt come it doesnt love me anymore my fire just like mom with her icy stares
I didnt know what to do anymore. I cried on the floor, hugging my knees to myself and I felt sick. I felt like I couldnt go on. I looked up and I could see myself. I was crying, but the other me wasn’t crying. The other me was leaving. Where was I going? I was so scared and I had to cover my head with my hands so that the clock wouldn’t get me. The clock was ticking and flying and I couldn’t make it stop it was ticking so fast and I couldnt make it stop make it stop make it stop God make it stop I dont want to die I dont want to die God I want to see my mommy smile again I want her to look and smile at my art God don’t let me drown God and God heard me, but God hated me too he hated me like everyone else and right now the clock was his eye and he gave me the coldest stare I ever felt make it stop God I am God and no one can take that from me
I am God im sorry God don’t make me will make you And the clock was getting softer the brush was soft on my dying canvas it was leaving me behind and time will set you free i dont want to be left behind my dying canvas dying dying dying and i will make you art left behind it was disappearing and the softer it got the colder I felt you dont have to where is my Jacket you dont have to find my Jacket dont have to I want my Jacket you dont have to be so cold then make me less cold and I couldnt breathe but the sun looked so beautiful running and dancing on the water
On the water it was so pretty as I choked and begged make it stop God l make it stop let me see my mother again I want to see her dance and run I want to see her smile as bright as this pretty sun I dont want to die please dont take me yet please

Just let me tell my mother that I love her
Let me tell her how I loved her how she made me warm amongst all those icy stares

And the bitch was laughing at me

The sun wasn’t there. And suddenly I couldn’t cry. I ran out of tears. My face was hurting from all the crying, but I was done crying. I felt like I needed to cry some more, but I couldn’t do it. Suddenly, I was calm. Calm but sad. I looked around me through my tear stained eyes. I picked up my lighter but I didn’t try to call the fire. I didn’t deserve the fire. I felt my body with my shaking hands. I found my Jacket. I hugged my Jacket. I wanted to take it off, but I couldn’t.
Have you taken me, God? Am I going to be your canvas? I thought about what I did. I thought about it a lot. I thought about how they felt when they found her I’m sorry, Mom I thought about her eyes and the way she felt when I hurt her I needed to paint, Mom. Aren’t you happy I made you beautiful? God was taking me somewhere. The clock was gone, but I could still hear time whooshing through the bars. I made you beautiful like I made all those animals beautiful. You don’t have to listen to God anymore. You don’t have to work anymore. And now we can be together for a long time.
The walls turned white and I was blind. My lighter was gone. Mom said it was bad for me. I tried to move my arms so that I could reach out to it, but my arms were stuck. I kept on trying, but my Jacket was in the way. My Jacket was white now. What happened to it? Is it because you like white better, Mom? Mom was behind me. If you like white, I’ll keep it white this time. Mom was on top of me. She was hugging me around my shoulders. She liked my new Jacket. She held me close to it and she wouldn’t let go. She didn’t want me to find my lighter because it was bad for me.
I felt warm again.
I was blind in the white room, but that was okay. It’s all okay now. No one bothered me in the white room. I didn’t have to look away from any icy stares. There weren’t any fans I didn’t have to go to school anymore. It was like the summer again.
And we stayed in that room. We stayed in that room where the cold never reached us. Mom was always hugging me and loving me, and I loved her back. She smelled like the summer flowers and she always told me it was okay while the sunlit room was protecting my eyes. And in that room we sang together. Walked together. She never let go of me. I wasn’t mad any more. I was at peace, and I was happy. I was happy, that in that little white room, we could stay forever and ignore the icy stares of the doctors and the school boys outside of our little white room, and happy, that in that little white room, we could stay forever, and remember the happy times. In that little white room, we could stay forever and forget about the time; the time we never had when we weren’t in our little white room.
 


Submitted: March 10, 2011

© Copyright 2021 Jan McTulip. All rights reserved.

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Comments

justachik

Wow! That took me to a whole different place. It was completely like seeing into the mind of a disturbed boy. At first I was confused, but then I thought, well I should be, shouldn't I. That's what it's supposed to be like. I don't even know what to say! Wow.

Sat, March 12th, 2011 2:42pm

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