I loved her dearly

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is the first part in a series about my life, it is autobiographical. Enjoy a little insight into a young woman's mind as she copes with life and her turbulent mind.

Submitted: October 02, 2008

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Submitted: October 02, 2008

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Going to a new school is always tough but there are some bonuses as well... I could always reinvent myself into someone who is daring and confident and happy.  But that last part seems to be a problem for me—being happy.  How does one do that?  I just cannot seem to keep myself from slipping down constantly into the depths of despair. 

  Despair is my friend, someone I depend on when I am lonely because he loves me.  Despair is always there with his warn embrace to comfort me in times of need, a constant companion, present whether or not he is needed.  Always willing to help, he certainly has become the norm for me keeping me safe.  With him there I have no need to experience anything.

  Despair has made me into many people locked into one seamless form that is intoxicating and alluring.  I have the ability to be anything that anyone wants; loosing myself in the chaos of it all soon everything becomes harmonious.  We all coexist for the benefit of all; no one has ever noticed that I couldn't be myself if I tried.

  Who am I?  I have lost myself; buried deep she hates me.  I see her sometimes there sneering at me watching me struggle to create yet another person to please someone else.  Laughing she asks, "Who are you now?" 

  She has no intention of dissolving as others have when they are needed no longer.  Why doesn't she just disappear?  No one needs her, she doesn't create anyone else and she does not support the rest of us in our venture to assimilate to whatever society wants. 

  Then it occurs to me that we all might need her because she is the source of it all, the beginning as it were.  She wants release like the rest of us; when personalities fall apart, incinerated into ash, blown away by a calming breeze.  I want that release but I am never to achieve that because she needs me as the Gatekeeper and her constant companion. 

  I remember a time when she needed no one but I and we were enough.  I was her filter to the outside world and she loved me for it; I became a lover of her intricate mind, the complexities were the stuff of heaven.  I needed nothing else she was my heaven I never thought of relief from the ecstasy of her cavernous mind. 

  Then came the day when she began to need me and we were no longer one but two.  She needed to run away and I became her haven.  I buried her mind and created another to protect her fragile mind; using myself as her shield was out of the question she needed me to bring her back.  So I began protecting her from the harsh light of the offensive world.

  Soon she reemerged triumphantly more than willing to come back to the world as she had been before.  She was here in her glory willing to interact again.  But I could see her growing dependence after the first creation; she was comfortable letting him take over so she did not have to experience certain things.  And that is when she began to sink deeper into the darkness.  I loved her so and to loose her to the madness of despair was so heart-rending that I let them grow out of control.  So many were created in my grief and as I grew weaker they grew stronger.  I had unwittingly been dragged down into despair with her; no longer her gleeful companion, but her prisoner.


© Copyright 2020 janesnewbeginning. All rights reserved.

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