as war surrounded them,love.
he felt as though the words would form a sentence without help,without promise but he couldnt make sense of what followed, slightly depressed bi polar if anything his highs are spent jumping around, but his lows well you could imagine we've all been there. he couldn't read or be bothered, his grandparents who he lived with couldn't understand, his few friends couldn't either. this way he lived in a fantasy world which is unhealthy especially for that age, of 21.this story its not truth or fiction, it just is
he has anger , he has loyalty, sometimes both combine.
one day he met a girl, by chance they were at a small vegetarian place celebrating a birthday just near the city, he waved , she waved. he started to sweat with nervousness, this girl fitted the cliche forever written,but she was the most beautiful girl he'd ever met, psyching himself up to say something, going over and over in his head, shy but not to shy.he leaves his friends and each step seems to take a life time, could this be a dream, he could smell the coconut scent tingling his nose with every inch he gets closer.she had a friend but nothing was stopping his quest to meet this girl, the girl.
as the hands touched it was as soft as a butterflies wing, everything seemed to fit.that seemed destiny had played its hand.
her blue eyes her short hair, slightly broad shoulders but a cute smile and everything else, 2 days had passed without contact but he didn't give in, persistence, then like a lightning crack there it was he pretended it wasn't her till he saw the message.
to go forward in time is cheap, he had seemed to see the signs though, where the hand brushed past or sometimes cold demeanour, the way she ignored and huffed, so frustrating, there first fight consisted of a shouting match, they fell in love, but it was tainted, as everything is.
he pretended the necklace his mother got him when he was an infant could stop evil, even at that age.he hates meeting the family but you would never know.he paints on the smile for every boring conversation, its honest, even if he isn't.
tries to do the best for people, they fell deeply in love there was one day they connected on another level, this was it for him.she said i love you and he responded with the embrace of a thousand hurricanes.he had finally awoken.work seemed easy when he had her, they spent friday the 13th in the house, they hugged they kissed, everything would seem like they were perfect for each other, seemed being the word. spending the weekends in, he let her win at games, even if he did try. the slow descent into depression, it doesn't hit you like a train, its a cancer, flesh eating virus.the fights escalated into madness, love became obsession, caring into jealousy. the fights grew longer and longer till the early hours of morning.each day the virus grew into a boxing match of words.
he had started losing touch with his friends, as they would go out on the rare occasion, he would treasure, this is a story of love, passion, hate and life. and getting back to the person you lost through the relationship, this is life. reality became a nightmare, he couldn't go to the shops, couldn't watch movies, every girl walked past was met with an argument over attractiveness, every comment was taken as a court case and if you slipped up, you would pay. even with all the lunacy, he devoted himself to her, she had problems, severe. because with every fight there was a kiss to make up for it, but only on the weekends.
the phone had became his worst enemy, before work, lunch, after work all it was was a battle, a massive conflict. she kept herself in her dark cold room surrounded with all the things you could want but still was so lonely.
the depression, had leached the life out of them, they were two empty souls made up of aggressive words, now i have to admit this is me, this what i went through and how i recovered from broken love. fights were becoming about fights of fights.he couldn't show his love like he once did, he remembers the last moment they saw each other.it was a petty fight over nothing, she left and he had climbed on the front of her car, hanging on to the that moment as it became there last nothing could prove him that it was true, one week later it happened. after the fight with al the days left crying to sleep, the notes left for fun, the hugs and embraces, the money spent on alcohol and medication, she had overdosed on them once, a cry for help, she actually wanted to leave this earth, all we have gone just like that but i don't want this to go further. the week before it happened things were different, a light fluttered to life, cigarette smoke cleared. and then, it was gone. she said its over his world was crushed, she pleaded for him not to kill himself, so bold in saying so he was the closest you could get.
day 1 began nothing, 2, nothing, 3 and the story goes on with little messages of "it will be ok". from the bottom of everything, like atlas holding the world, i was destroyed, i was nothing.
when a gun goes off theres a silence that follows,
when your a child you live with your parents rule, some are lucky some aren't, but nothing could predict what its like to become free. life wasn't planned like this.all innocence is lost to a corrupt world. self mental torture became of this, it was just endless work everyday with the prayer that it was just a nightmare days passes like minutes,making my room a prison cell. i stay alone in that room going over and over the terrorising thoughts.thats when things started to happen, its like a snowball, the momentum kept me sliding into a constant state of paranoia, the messages kept me coming like a reeling in rod as the fish keeps trying. people started to follow me, unmarked police cars were everywhere, watching my every move.anxiety started as infection and soon evolved full blown. work became harder than ever, measurements werent making sense, i soon got skeptical marks and dents on my car was from my work mates, the only friends i had. i started seeing a psychologist, he was good, it was expensive.
shadows started coming over me, as i turn around there was no one, i was slowly being poisoned by the water, followed everywhere by police with the threat of being locked up for something i hadn't done, my worst fear was coming true, haunted by vivid dreams of losing my teeth, trickery of being with her again and of course falling from a great height. i turned to self medication of alcohol, half a bottle a night three times a week, sometimes more. waking up was hard task my alarm wouldlnt wake me and that alarm is loud. my birthday spent in my room and another, i taped the camera on my phone in fear i was being spied on. but i had a gift, i could see little bits of the future, overwhelming deja vu,i was sure i had super powers. i couldn't talk to anyone in fear there on the other side.something was following me.
i decided to get help, unfortunately it was in the wrong hands. with the case workers at mental health campus they put me on an antipsychotic. it didn't seem to help at all, they got me on something stronger, an injection. the following days i got tired very quickly, dizzy and just felt wrong. i went back and got no help, they said give it time. then i broke down, i was at my worst again, i cried like never before. my grandmother hugged me. we went back and i was trapped in a room where they wore me down for 45 minutes, i pleaded no more but they made me have another injection. they then decided to keep me there, chatting to other people there i found that they needed help too, but they just weren't getting it. lives were being ruined, people kept on drugs that weren't working. i had tremors, no life inside of me. at least the food was good, the following day i had to lie through my teeth to get out of that place, once i did i never went back.
the problems persisted i needed help i couldn't sit for longer than 10 seconds, pacing all around the place, constant crying in pain.i finally got in touch with a psychiatrist, he bulk billed which was great because i couldn't work at all for a month.he diagnosed me with schizoaffective, slightly schizophrenic with depression. he got me on medication to help, and it did, he actually listened to me.
As life started to get easier i made friends, i got outdoors and enjoyed myself forcing me to help myself. for three years i was nothing an empty shell. now i have a heart again, i go out i have fun, and i thank my family and friends i have now for timing with me through the worst years of my life.
© Copyright 2017 jarrod thomas. All rights reserved.
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