There's always a difference with reality and a reality that you imagined;
I don't know how to start this, but I'm really sorry that this has to be my public diary. I can't write this in a piece of paper since I don't want anybody in the family to know anything.
But I feel so stupid and tired. I feel so bad about trying to please everybody and it'll only turn out to be pointless, because I'm trying so hard that the people I please doesn't get pleased at all, it's the other way around. My brother in law hates me because he thinks that I'm messing everything up. My niece; I love her so much that I just want to please her in any way I could but it's like whenever she's not on the mood I get all the yelling, tantrums, pushing, punching, hitting and kicking. Wellph, It's fine, I know kids are always that way, but I'm weak,physically, and I just can't take it when she does it everyday. This is not martyrdom, I mean she's not really mean by nature, she's good and I can consider it because she's four years old. But the thing is, I've been through a lot, my whole life and it's like I could use a little counseling and it just disappears then I'm better again. I may be ignorant but I deserve respect, because I'm a human being. When I was a kid, I haven't had any playmates because my mom wants me to stay indoors with our helper while she and dad is out to work. I grew up trying to have many friends but I couldn't talk or express myself properly, I end up being awkward or end up saying things the wrong way that people would misunderstand it and they wouldn't wanna make friends anymore. Let's just say I'm really bad with making a conversation. Funny thing is, when they say a joke and I answer it with another joke they'd think that I took it seriuosly or when my sarcasm is too advanced they'd think I'm stupid. Normally I always think of things in a good way, but it was just this time that I'm breaking down. I went here to the USA not only for the purpose of migrating but for a lot of goals, goals which are not meant for me. It's for the people I love and want to help. My mother had always wanted our house to get fixed and I wanted to do it for her, my brothers wants a better life and it's like their lives are being controlled by money and I hate it because they've been blinded by it, they think that it's the only solution for their necessities. Which made them turn selfish. If money was not invented the world would be disorganized but happiness would be more about valuing people than valuing material things. My sister, my niece's mom, really needs my help, she needs someone to take care of her kid, she already did a lot for us she raised my brothers and sisters. When she was a kid she took care of my brothers that she did not have time to play, every year she would expect that when they grow up she'll be able to be outside and have a childhood but the next year, my mom would have another baby. Until she got old and. Never had the chance to play. That's why I really wanted to help her now but all I did was give her a headache, she took care of me instead and had a lot of expenses.
I have another sister, before I migrated, she was the one who gave me all the money to get to school and I failed her because my grades were always below, she worked hard for me and endured the cold years by herself and I wanted to repay her.
My whole family was in a feud, my auntie's hating my uncles over an ancestral house. My auntie's wanna sell it because they want my uncle to get evicted on that house. When grown ups fight, it's like they're animals fighting because they don't understand each other. They argue and they don't wanna hear each others side of the story. There, I learned that listening is a form of respect, it reserves a persons dignity. You talk and I'll listen, if your done, then it's my turn. Auntie's were dominant of course they had the money and knowledge. But my uncle's were in a low profile and they couldn't do anything, they rebeled but because they were powerless they were the ones thought as the villains. In my perspective, nobody is a villain. I understand that every person has their own personal reasons why they do such a thing, never to judge someone who makes you feel intimidated or somebody who makes you feel bad. The fact that we are the same, therefore we know how they feel. Everyone has problems which results to doing something disagreeable. One of my auntie has a problem, she was financially stable, but it's her kids, they were not perfect they also have there own reasons of course. There were three of them, the eldest was a small salary animator, he was okay, he understands her mother but he was not free. The second was the most perfect girl I have ever known, she was pretty and funny but she had not achieved her dreams, she wanted to become a somebody someday because it was her only cope from a traumatic past, and so she rebeled on her mom. The third and last kid was very talented but he also rebeled because he just couldn't stand his mother. That's why my aunt wanted to sell the ancestral house,she thinks selling the house would be the only option. Because she wants her kids back and the only way to do it is money and power. It's like a mini politics anside the family.
I had a cousin who always beats me up but it was her way of teasing me so it was fine, I didn't have a bruise or a wound, it was not a problem,I let her do it because I understand that it's her way of hiding what she truly feels. The night I saw her cry when she was drunk, it made me realize that she's been holding herself back because she wanted to be tough, she was discouraged when her sister got married to a stranger, she was also worried about her eldest brother who was working very hard away from her. And now that I'm away from her I just don't know if she's having a hard time.
All of them, they were a part of my life, I really wanted to help, but I've been a nobody, no money, no career, no job and It's hard to help them being that way. Before I could help them, I have to get myself up from the ground and fullfil my own dreams, I believe that writing is my only shortcut to get to the top. Positively I wanna achieve every dream that I have in mind. Because I wanna have power and money, not for my own selfish reasons because I haven't had that, but wanna have those two things so I could help every person that needs help, not just my family. I want to prove that power should be used to share and help, money, to give someone's need and not just wants. I want to prove that being good is not just a lesson being taught in a movie or a book but something that also exists in reality.
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