Our lives were nothing but a blur. Everyday we would do all we could to make sure it didn't feel like we were alive. Because who would really want to live in something as evil as this? Who would
want to go through all of these fucked up trials when you can find a way to make it easier? And that's what we did. It was as if we cheated life. We cheated ourselves out of really truly living.
But I think in the end it was easier that way.
The room spins and it is late. My Joseph is on the bed and he has a book next to him. The room spins and I think the lights are flickering but I don't know. I think there is a storm outside
and I think I am dying. But my thoughts mean nothing because they're not real. How sad is it for me to live day to day believing nothing is real.
"What is the fucking meaning of life?" Suddenly I am speaking. Sometimes I am not really sure when I'm speaking or if the thoughts in my head are just so fucking loud that I think I am speaking.
"To die and to be fucked over and fucked up when you are alive. There is no meaning, there is no fucking meaning. We live on an "Earth" which I consider a fucking black hole. Our lives are black
holes. Everything is sucked away. There is no such thing as freedom and there is no such thing as happiness. We are enslaved by a planet, by a workplace, by education and by people I don't even
know. Slavery is what controls us. Slavery is all this world is. We are enslaved to the person beside us, to our fucking aunts, to "Authority". We are enslaved. And it never ends. Because then you
die and you are enslaved either with angels or with demons. But really, this earth is full of angels and demons. I see demons every day. I know Satan and he is my friend. I know the Lord is
watching but he hasn't been my friend for years. This life is a black hole and I am being sucked away. I'm being sucked to nothing. Do you fucking hear me?!" I scream at Joseph, I scream and hit
the bed. When I hit the bed the cocaine he had set out on the book goes flying. The book bounces and the cocaine goes into the air.
Joseph stares at me. I see his face turning red with anger and I see the steam coming out of his ears. This is when I love him the most. I love him the most before he explodes with anger and the
hatred pours through his eyes like blood. The blood of his hatred pours down his body and a puddle forms on the floor, until there is nothing but red. We are covered in red and it's all over.
"What is your fucking problem?" He pushes me very hard and I fly across the room, hitting the wall.
I stand up and grab his large handle of Jack Daniels, I walk to the balcony while he yanks my arm trying to pull me back. I hear a pop and assume my arm has been torn out of place. It would not be
the first time so I am neither upset nor shocked. I yank with my strength against him and run to the balcony. The lid is off and I watch the whiskey that burns a hole in our throats spill off the
balcony and on to the unsuspecting ground. The whiskey is tainted like our earth, and now the dirty ground will become more tainted and more evil.
Everything goes silent in my mind, everything goes in slow motion. I watch, drip by drip, as the whiskey flows out. I smile, I smile so fucking wide because I am winning. I am in the right and this
is my moment. I am no longer enslaved in this moment and I am free. I am the queen of this prison and I am fucking free.
Suddenly, everything shifts back and my Joseph pulls me so hard and I fall with the loudest thud onto the ground. The bottle flies with me and shatters onto the ground. I begin to laugh at this
mess I've made. This beautiful mess is so holy and so pure. I have cleaned myself of impurities and now the world is right.
Joseph is screaming curses at me, he is pulling my arm, he is throwing me around like I'm a stuffed animal but I keep laughing. This is when I love him most. I love when he is dying of hatred, when
all he can think about is killing me and when he is so close to splitting up with me. But we both know that would never happen. We are part of each other forever. This is our heavenly enslavement.
We're handcuffed to each other for eternity. Enslavement never ends but we love this enslavement. What could be better than to be handcuffed to the one who loves and hates you more than any other?
I believe that is a true relationship, a true commitment. You have to balance the love with hate. How could you possibly love someone unconditionally if you didn't also hate them? Hate and love are
the same thing if you really examine it. As they say, the opposite of love is not hate; It is indifference. So if you truly love someone you equally hate them as much. I hate my Joseph but god I
love him and it's a beautiful thing. We are indifferent to the world but our feelings are balanced and we are balanced. We are eternal and everyone else will die in ashes.
It's funny how you can be so in love with someone, you can find that perfect romance, and be the loneliest you've ever felt. Maybe in reality, I have had it all wrong. My idea of perfect is
another's idea of self destruction and terror. My reality is not the same as others. I always had a feeling things were wrong. I always wanted to deny them and it made me go crazy. In this moment,
in all of these moments, I have gone crazy. I love and I cry and I work, I am with the love of my life. But I have never been so lonely. I have never felt so much as if the world is collapsing on
me. I could leave. But then I would really be lonely. I could stay. But then I would really be lonely.
You see how the world tricks you. You see how life tricks you. How people trick you. But most of all, you have to see how you trick yourself. Trick yourself into believing, "He is THE one". Or "I
look quite lovely in this dress". We trick ourselves the most into believing life is wonderful and when we fall in love it really is a fairytale. You think you fall so far into fucking love and it
slaps you in the face, or in my case He slaps you in the face. I don't know what love is yet I claim to be madly in love. I know what ignorance is, I know what hatred is, I know what defiance is
and yes I know what loneliness is. But love? No I do not know that.
Joseph has laid down in bed and I come and curl up next to him. He stiffens and awkwardly coughs. I lay my head on his shoulder and trace our names on his chest.
"What is wrong with us?" He quietly asks.
I feel like he has memory loss. We've never been a "lovey dovey" couple. We have been the same since we met, and it is because of me. I am crazy. I am a different person than the rest of the
humans. My Joseph is a king and I was a slave woman who he picked out one day and decided was meant for him. Actually, that is backwards. I am a queen and Joseph was just a lonely boy. He was a
lonely helpless boy who needed to be loved. He was my game at first and maybe he still is. But I'm in love with him now so the game has flipped. I guess this is God's game to play on my wicked
I put my hand on his pale face. His blue eyes shine and search me up and down. They try and read me and they are asking so many questions. Asking "why do I love you, how did this happen, why are
you so beautiful, why why why why". I kiss him softly and hope this answers all his silly questions. The answers don't matter, all that matters is that we are still together. We can never part,
unless one of dies. We have both known this from day one. A love so real and twisted and beautiful is always crystal clear.
His hand touches my hair, my waist, my breasts, my lower back, my legs. He searches me, searches for meaning and for love. I give him both. The meaning of us is one beyond words but he knows when
we are connected and yelling out as we release our pleasure, hatred, evil our demons. The love is neverending the love is something we can never turn off.
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