Dinner For Immortals

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
When Selene and her obnoxious vampire-obsessed parents host her boyfriend for a Thursday dinner, she struggles to keep it together as first impressions are made.

Submitted: October 27, 2014

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Submitted: October 27, 2014

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Of all the days for Jasper to come over…why does it have to be Thursday?  Selene silently wished that the Earth would rotate faster and bring upon the next day. She poured herself a cup of orange juice before walking out the kitchen. She heard a deep, resounding sound of heavy shoes clunking down stairs. Oh God, no. That sounds like combat boots. Selene walked into a long hallway to see the stairs on the opposite side. She apprehensively waited for something to emerge from the archaic Victorian banister. The “thump” of the boots paused and Selene thought maybe she was hearing things. Maybe the house is settling. The thumps began again. In between each clunk there was a “thrack” sound – it sounded like paperback books ripping, but a much deeper and richer sound. Selene rolled her eyes. Looks like she is going all out this Thursday; I hope I choke on dinner and die. The source of the sound emerged from the stairs across the hall from Selene. It was her mother, Holly.

Her mother charged at her – not bothering to be quiet in the least. When Holly was within arm distance of her daughter, she baseball slid past Selene on the hardwood floor. As her mother slid past her, Selene couldn’t help but notice the skin tight black cat suit her mother wore came with gun holsters as well – the scary thought was that there were twin silver handguns in the thigh holsters. Oh, they’re just plastic – thank God they aren’t real.

Her mother’s slide slowed down and she dramatically drew both guns akimbo. She aimed the weapons at a wax figure of actor Wesley Snipes dressed as his famous Blade character a few feet behind Selene.

“Even you can’t survive these Daywalker.” Holly said in an awful British accent. 

“Mom…please get up. And leave Wesley alone.”

She promptly popped up and walked back towards Selene – the fake pistols in her hands hung by her sides. Selene looked in her mother’s eyes and noticed her eyes were sky blue instead of brown. I can’t believe she bought contacts just for this outfit.

“Are you alright mortal?” Holly asked. Her British accent was so bad Selene had to chuckle.

“Of course I’m alright. I was telling Wesley how you and Dad should dress normal tonight when you came in guns blazing. Don’t need you scaring off my-”

“It’s Thursday, so I’m dressed in a costume. You know ‘Theatrical Thursdays’ are normal here.”

“You’re so right. This is the first time you guys are meeting my boyfriend, and he’d love to eat dinner with…Catwoman!”

“You know very well I’m not Catwoman – she doesn’t carry pistols by the way. You know who I am. I’m you Selene.”

“Noooo, you’re dressed up as Selene from the crappy movie Underworld, not the ‘mortal’ Selene Starks – who’s perfectly comfortable wearing a dress, and not a Catwoman suit.”

“Perhaps.” Selene’s mother remained in character. She looked the part, but her fake accent sounded more Jamaican than British. “If your boyfriend doesn’t like vampires then he is the wrong mortal for you. You will never imprint.”

“You’re switching up movies now Mom, cause I’m pretty sure that’s Twilight. Didn’t the werewolves do that imprint stuff anyways?” Holly’s eyes widened at the word “werewolves.”

“Lycans!” She checked the ceilings to see if any werewolves were hanging from the chandelier before looking down the hall.

Selene’s mother dramatically ran into the kitchen a few feet beside the wax figure of Snipes who stood frozen, captured in time, reaching for the sword that rests on his back – she took cover before entering as if werewolves were waiting in the kitchen. Selene shook her head and started towards her room upstairs. Normal families have family photos on the wall, but we Starks are far from that. She became more and more frustrated as she walked past a family portrait of the Cullens from the Twilight Series framed on the wall. The dresser under the portrait had an array of famous vampires from various movies framed as if they lived in the Starks’ house.

Why’d Jasper insist to meet my parents? I should’ve took him to see my grandparents instead. Jasper had told Selene he’d like to take their relationship to the next level. Selene agreed, but was appalled when he invited himself over to meet her eccentric parents. How can I get him to–

“Darrrrrling, where is your costume?” Holly wasn’t the only Starks in character and costume.

“Dad…you have GOT to be kidding me! Dracula?! Tonight!?” His acting skills were even worse than Holly’s. Sydney was trying to imitate some form of the character Dracula, but Selene had never seen a rendition so laughably absurd.

“Well yesssss, I do own this castle mortal.” He lifted his arms gesturing to everything around him. His arms seemed to slither out from the ebony cloak that enveloped his chic tuxedo.

“Technically Mom does, she’s the bread winner with all the movie costumes she designs. She probably dressed you tonight.” Selene rolled her eyes.

Selene’s father Sydney flashed his eyes wide, illuminating the shadow of makeup around his eyes. His pallor was cosmetics as well. His skin was usually vibrant and flush with love, joy, and a vampire’s favorite – blood.

“Gah! I’ll be sprinkling extra garlic in your meal!” Sydney pointed his index finger at the bridge of Selene’s nose. He glided towards the kitchen, not taking his unblinking eyes off Selene, nor his finger. Oh no my dreaded enemy garlic thought Selene.

He had entered his domain. As odd as Selene’s parents were, they worked incredibly hard for their home and ridiculous possessions. Holly won numerous awards for transforming actors and actresses into completely new people through fashion and cosmetics – she’d even designed everything Selene and Sydney had in their closets. Sydney on the other hand catered upscale events for large groups of people in Southern California – as well as being head chef of the up-and-coming restaurant: Chateau de Cartes.

***

After about an hour Selene started to smell the culinary expertise her father excelled at. Selene gazed around her room – the only normal room in the house by her standards. The Starks’ castle had an authentic, classic, opulent feel, but Selene’s room was modern. Her room was lit by curved lights opposed to swank candles Holly had all over the house. Her room was the only one that featured carpet as well.

Selene viewed her phone and read her boyfriend’s text stating that he was 10 minutes away. She replied “as I said before, excuse my parents’ dorkiness.”  Jasper responded with “lol okay cool.” He has no idea how terrible this date is going to go. If they don’t drain him of his blood, they’ll drain his interest in moving forward with me.

Selene rushed downstairs to tell her parents the news. She thought maybe she could convince them to change their outfits, but that would be impossible. Their outfits were ridiculous, but she felt that a white lie would keep Jasper from being confused. They recently came back from one of Mom’s costume parties. That lie could work right?

She walked into the kitchen and witnessed a feast. The first thing she saw was baked potato soup. However, this soup was a thick frothy flaming color. The liquid was blood red, and the potatoes floating around were shaped and crafted to resemble eerie edible eyeballs. An array of chicken breasts rested in a pan. Each chicken was dyed red replicating raw body parts – livers, lungs, and ligaments to name a few. The drinks were strawberry smoothies stored in elegant wine glasses. The chunks of strawberries looked like red blood cells.

“Dad! What in the world is this?! You’ve went from Dracula to Hannibal! What vampire even eats all of this?! This is so much! Woah! Like woah! This is borderline about to make me puke- but on a good note it smells like Thanksgiving mixed with Jesus. No! This is still way too much! Delicious or not!”

“Well sometimes vampires eat sloppily and an eyeball or two is added to our diet my dearrrrrrrr. We can’tttttttt control our hungerrrrrrr.” Sydney said.

“Selene,” Holly said – in her British accent still, “you must understand we didn’t choose to become vampires. This life, though it be immortal, chose us…forever.” Holly acted as if she were reloading her plastic guns.

“I can’t believe that you guys are acting like it’s a Halloween dinner! You couldn’t be normal for a day? You didn’t even care to think if Jasper would be creeped out or not! Whatever… and you guys wonder why you’ve never seen my past boyfriends. It’s fine, I’ll be single until college next year. I’ll be fine.”

Holly and Sydney blankly stared at their daughter. Sydney stirred the eyeball soup at a slower rate. Holly holstered her pistols with little zeal. Both of Selene’s parents snapped back to reality at the sound of the doorbell echoing through their home.

They all exchanged glances of “I’m not getting the door” before Selene stomped off to the front door. She was a little tardy to opening the door so Jasper had begun to knock. He still held up a fist when Selene opened the door. She smiled and greeted him as if body parts were not marinating in her kitchen. Jasper hastily stepped through the doorway with a cartoony grin – a hint of anxiety on his face.

Selene eased Jasper’s nerves with a polite hug. He embraced her and steadied her breathing. He looked at the ceiling then scanned the walls. When Jasper neared a portrait of Tom Cruise in his role as “Lestat,” Selene quickly distracted his view by squeezing his hand. They walked into the dining hall and sat at the oak table across from each other. The fine table stretched nearly the entirety of the dining hall. With the brass candelabra in the middle of the table, the Starks’ house appeared haunted. So far he hasn’t noticed any of the weird stuff everywhere. I guess I’ll tell him about the costume party now.

“Wow…your house is-…” Jasper said.

“Lycan proof.” Holly said. Too late for to lie to him now, thanks Mom.

Jasper spun around and noticed Holly in her black cat suit. His eyes immediately shot toward her holster, then briefly at her figure that hadn’t withered over time. Selene winced in embarrassment. She felt a rush of heat come over her and searched for something to say to Jasper. She couldn’t think of anything relevant that would explain her Mother’s odd obsession. Holly took a seat at the head of the table. She rose up promptly because she’d forgotten to set the table. As she entered the kitchen Jasper leaned across the table and whispered to Selene.

“Umm…I’m a little disappointed you didn’t tell me about this.” Jasper whispered.

“I-I’m so sorry, they’re both really weird. I told you the other day at school but you didn’t believe me.”

“No not that. Your mom is way hotter than you.”

Holly returned with plates and silverware – seemingly unaware of her adolescent admirer in the room. Selene looked at her and tried to decide if her boyfriend was right or not. She observed her mother for a few seconds before returning her gaze to Jasper. Selene blushed when she realized he was laughing. She felt bad when she realized he’d tricked her into being jealous of her mom – even if it was only for a moment.

“Nice to meet you mortal, I am Selene.” Holly said in her weak British accent. She extended her hand. Jasper’s eyes skeptically searched the room.

 “Nice to meet you ma’am, I thought your name was Mrs. Holly?” Jasper said.

“She’s in character now Jasper there’s no stopping her.” Selene said. She groaned and was still a tad bit mad Jasper viewed her mother as a MILF.

“No…it’s Selene. I’ve been fighting a war against Lycans for over six centuries. They look to prey upon your kind – so you’re safe in our manor. I can protect you mortal.” Holly continued.

“Mrs. Holly,” Jasper said – he glanced at Selene. “Or…Selene, are you from London or something?” Holly flashed a brief satisfied smirk.

Awh great! Now Mom’s ‘gonna think her accent is legit when she really sounds stupid. Selene rolled her eyes as her mother and Jasper spoke about England. They talked about many fictional things; the taste of blood, how to brush vampire teeth, they even debated if vampires would consider women on their period a prize. Selene was disgusted and browsed various social media on her phone.

While Holly and Jasper engaged in a ridiculous conversation, both didn’t even notice that Sydney had brought out the food. After he placed the food on the table he glided over to the conversation to join.

“Morrrrrrrrrtal, how do you do?” Sydney asked.

“Oh hey Mr. Sydney, I’m doing alright tonight. How about you sir?” Jasper responded.

Sydney shook Jasper’s hand and lunged forward to bite his forearm and drain his blood. He paused his bite inches from Jasper’s mortal flesh. He backed away from Jasper quickly. Sydney’s eyes were ablaze with shame.

“I am sorry mortal. My hunger is much more powerful in the evening.” Sydney apologized.

“It’s fine ‘Count D.’ Not trying to make things worse but you’re missing out on some really good blood pumping through me.” Jasper said.

Selene couldn’t believe Jasper was going back-and-forth with her parents as if this was all normal. Could my mom have been right? Should I like Jasper more because he’s not freaked out by the whole vampire obsession? Selene smiled as she listened to Jasper conjure a story about how his uncle was believed to be a vampire. Jasper appeared so comfortable with her parents in a short period of time. He’s so charismatic. He’s actually enjoying himself I think.

Jasper and the Starks ate their food while carrying off the wall conversations. Holly spoke about slaying thousands of Lycans. Sydney spoke about the first victim he ever turned whom had green eyes just like Jasper’s. Selene would chime in with her usual sarcasm – but it wasn’t harsh this time, they were obviously comical statements. She’d smile whenever her parents laughed at her boyfriend’s clever jokes. Jasper recounted tales of helping Edward and Bella from Twilight succeed – it worked out perfectly that there was a Twilight vampire named Jasper; this made Sydney and Holly like Jasper even more than they did before.

Jasper marveled at the craftsmanship of all the body parts Sydney had created. Jasper also complimented Holly on the realistic clothing and makeup she had performed – Jasper’s brownie points were hall of fame high. Holly and Sydney humbly thanked Jasper – of course they still hadn’t broke character to do so. The meal was over and conversations switched from vampires to sleeping off such a robust dinner.

“Wow! Everything was delicious Count! I wish you could cook our school lunches. I’d rather turn to a diet of blood than eat any of that.” Jasper complimented yet again.

“Thannnnnnnnk you. Blood has kept me powerful allllllllll these cennnnnturies.” Sydney said.

“I hope you can make it home on a full stomach.” Selene said.

“I think I’ll be fine.” Jasper said.

Selene walked Jasper to the door – her parents started clearing the table and working in the kitchen. This time when he looked at the portrait of Lestat she didn’t distract him. He took in everything around him and just smiled. Selene opened the front door then closed it behind them.

“Thanks for coming. And thanks for being so cool about everything. You’re the first guy my parents have met.” Selene said. She blushed then looked at Jasper’s cheap but stylish shoes.

“I had fun! I’ve never met parents as cool as yours. I could see why you were hesitant for me to come over, but we’re all weirdoes at the end of the day.” Jasper said.

“I totally thought you’d make an excuse to leave Transylvania, or whatever you ‘wanna call this place.”

“Yeahhhh...I thought about it when I saw Tom Cruise relaxing like he lives upstairs. And even more when I saw Wesley Snipes looking at me wrong.” They both laughed then fell silent for a few seconds. “You know the real reason I stayed…right?” His green eyes pierced Selene for an answer. Selene feigned as if she was dumbfounded.

“I’ve gotta tell you…I have no idea.” She stepped much closer to Jasper, a penny couldn’t fit between their noses.

“Well,” Jasper whispered, “your mom is gorgeous and she said she’d protect me from Lycans.”

“You’re such an ass!” Selene lightly hit his frail chest and smiled.

Jasper embraced her once more then kissed her good night. Selene watched him drive away before returning inside. Her parents ran from the door – their attempt at eavesdropping had failed miserably. Selene couldn’t even get embarrassed. What else is more embarrassing then having your boyfriend meet your vampire parents?

“How mature of you guys. Combined you’re what? Five thousand years old? Still eavesdropping?” Selene said.

“My weapons were drawn in case the mortal attempted to harm you.” Holly responded. She and Sydney turned around since they’d already been caught by Selene.

“I’m sorry about the whole ‘single ‘till college statement.’ It’s just…who would’ve thought he’d be sooo cool about everything? I love you guys, just didn’t want Jasper to be scared off.” Selene said.

“Selene we understand. Once you go off to college we won’t be able to have fun with you anymore. Theatrical Thursdays will be fun with just your mom and me, but you used to love when Thursday came around.” Sydney said. He had completely broke character for a serious moment.

“Selene we’re just trying to have as much fun with you before you go off to college. Sure we could’ve had a normal evening dinner with your boyfriend, but he’ll remember this dinner for the rest of his life. I really was impressed with him. We want you to be with someone that cares about you and can have fun. Plus he thinks I look better than you.” Holly said. She raised a gracefully stroked eyebrow at her daughter and then winked.

Selene blushed and looked away. Oh God I can’t believe she heard that. Selene smiled and hugged both of her parents. As wacky as they were, they were her parents. They provided for her and loved her unconditionally. They were undoubtedly the coolest vampire parents she knew.

 


© Copyright 2020 Jay Bake. All rights reserved.

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