Love and Loyalty

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
friend zone

Submitted: August 28, 2012

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Submitted: August 28, 2012




Love and Loyalty

You are trapped inside, four walls surround you but no ceiling to prevent you from witnessing the freedom on the outside. The walls are low enough to reach the top if only you were strong enough to pull yourself out.  That’s the problem though isn’t it? Do you really want to escape? The debate is ever ongoing. The voices go back and forth in increasing volume until all you can hear is the jumbled incoherent word vomit coming from inside your subconscious. You look at what you have. Shouldn’t you be happy with it? You constantly tell yourself you should be. It’s better than having nothing… isn’t it? You try to convince yourself of this illusion as you try to repress the truth deep enough within yourself that you can’t feel it. The truth that the little you have brings joy, while at the same time brings a sharp pain ripping through the core of your soul, reminding you that it will never be enough for you. You stand there dying of thirst and the shackles around your courage keeps you from getting more than little drops of water on your parched tongue, just keeping you alive but never giving the full drink you truly desire. You lack the strength of courage to either break the shackles and drink or pull your tongue back and let yourself die, so you stand in the dark and pray that one day the drops will be enough.

Why do I let myself be trapped here? Why do I not take the chance I have never let myself take? I let myself wallow in my own cowardice, never healing instead of taking my chance and either gaining everything I desire or falling to great suffering at the bottom but allowing myself to heal and move on. That right there remains the problem. I understand the likelihood of my failure. I waited too long to act and allowed him to discover what I already knew. It’s been two years now and yet they remain. I continue to stare at my friend holding on to my love and I sit across from them and smile and laugh on the outside as I grow cold and lifeless within. The leap of faith no longer would result in injury if I failed. The fire and daggers at the bottom promise me death. Two lifelong friendships would be no more as I desperately groped at the solution to my pain at their expense. No, I care too much for my friends to act so selfishly… and yet I hate myself for it. So as my hatred for my own damned sense of loyalty festers in my heart, it creates a shell around the core of me allowing no one in. No one else can harm the wound already tore open and at the same time it prevents it from healing, all the while I sit across from them, smiling at their happiness at the cost of my own.

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