Eden, A Couple's Story

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Adam and Eve in The Garden of Eden meet a bird and then things get weird.

Submitted: November 23, 2012

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Submitted: November 23, 2012

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His name was Adam. He was about six foot three and weighed an impressive amount. This, at least was what it said on his tombstone. He had no idea where he had come from or why he existed, let alone why all his thoughts seemed to be so much different than the simple thoughts of the animals surrounding him. It was in this lush environment, this garden grove that he had been invested with tending and keeping for a while, that he lived, oddly alone. He knew nothing and no one else, except this God character who seemed passionately interested in him. He had no idea where this God guy had come from but he was pretty sure it was someplace nice. The tales he would tell Adam around the campfire late at night were pretty incredible. So incredible, that God sometimes had to pause to catch his breath.

The “woman” idea didn’t seem to make any sense to him though. As God told it, the great animal experiment had been a bust. The animals that had been paraded in front of him had all the physical qualities Adam had sought in companionship, except the duck, which to Adam’s newly found reasoning seemed to be a joke that was created for God’s own personal amusement. Adam, however, desired real companionship. So, without hesitation God had put him to sleep, taken something from him that he never seemed bothered with explaining, and created a woman. The woman was just like Adam in every respect, except for noticeably longer hair and a few other anatomical differences that Adam was curious about, but God said would be explained later. For now Adam and his wife were charged with picking berries, making friends with most of the animals, and avoiding some sort of tree of knowledge because if they ate from it they would die. This seemed perfectly reasonable to everyone.

The reason came one bright morning in early autumn. The just brewed morning chill had awakened Adam and Eve from their naked slumber, that and a frigid figure flapping its wings from somewhere above them. It was a bird, a bright beautiful bird; or, to put it more accurately, a bright beautiful bird-like thing. It soared down from the sky and perched itself on a nearby tree. It looked like a lizard but spoke like a dove, at least that’s what Adam would tell his children in the future. It just sounded more poetic. “Did God say you could eat from any tree in the garden?”, the “bird” awkwardly squawked. Eve spoke up. “We can, just not from the tree of knowledge…it’s poison, or something.” “It is not surely poison, said the bird, ‘for God knows that when you eat of it, you will be like him, knowing good and evil.” The couple shirked back. “Look it’s just fruit’, said the bird, ‘ go ahead, eat up.” When they had seen that the tree was good for food, and would make them know about everything, but especially that whole good and evil thing, they ate up. Suddenly there was a big commotion. God showed up out of a giant whirlwind. He looked upset. “ What is the meaning of this?’, why did you eat of the fruit that I told you not to eat of, what do you know now, that I didn’t want you to know before?” “Well for starters’, said Eve,’ I really don’t like the way your bird friend there is looking at me.” The bird’s eyes narrowed into evil-y slits. “Were your eyes always like that?’, asked Eve. “ N-no’, stammer squawked the bird, ‘you must have me confused with someone else.” The bird locked eyes with God. It was a hard stare. “You must be just noticing this now, said God, ‘because of the side effects I tried to warn you about.” With that he drew out a scroll. “This is my curse scroll…at least I think it is…the guy’s in the back office made this up for me, I don’t know what it says exactly but it must have your best interests in mind, otherwise, why am I keeping those guys around?” He looked at the scroll. “Oh dear, well I guess this part is fair. Bird-boy, you have to go back to being a lizard.” The bird squawked his disapproval. “Yes, I know this will be awkward for everyone, but back you go.” The bird disappeared in a puff of smoke, only to reappear writhing on the ground as a snake. “As for you, lucky lady,’ he said to Eve, you get to…oh dear…um…” “What is it?,” said Eve. “Well, it says you will give birth to your babies in pain…we talked about the whole “birth” thing before didn’t we? Anyhow, also and…oh man… “Just tell me!’, screamed Eve. “Well, it says here that your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you.” Eve seemed genuinely perplexed. That’s what she wanted God to see, anyhow. God, however, sensed her fear. “…which is why I’m adding an amendment’, said God taking out a giant golden quill that seemed to materialize from the folds of his garment, ‘Adam is to rule over you, and you alone, until the day that he eventually dies.” Adam looked down. God sensed a sort of power coming from Adam’s brow, and God sadly understood. “Didn’t you tell us something about dying if we ate from the tree of knowledge?” “Oh, shoot’, said God, ‘there need to be more amendments.”

So, that is how Adam and Eve found themselves kicked out of the Garden of Eden. God had managed to give them some clothes. He didn’t tell them where the clothes had come from, but they felt oddly warm and furry. Much like some of their “skunk ”friends that they had known and named in the Garden. “Do you smell that?,’ Eve asked Adam . “I’m terribly sorry’, God said reappearing in his usual whirlwind, ‘I’ll have to ask for those back. “Someone” did not make a suitable choice.”


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