Change is for the Better...

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
You just can't reach the sky.

Submitted: October 28, 2009

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Submitted: October 28, 2009

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Inevitablility. The massive rupture of a timeline, this creation of a new skewed universe, can make or break a part of you that you were never aware even existed.

It's unimaginable, really. You wake up, and you think, nothing is ever the same. Thousands of breaths of air have been processed, REM sleep has taken over and relinquished control, life went on, and your heart kept beating. It happens every time yet, somehow it's always different. You could suddenly just one morning, not wake up.

But you don't care. All you want is for that aching hurt to stop, that ridiculous sensatioon of fear. The fear of change. You want to wake up and know, without a doubt, life hasn't continued without you. This black hole can't continue sapping your energy when you notice something new. There's just this overwhelming guilt of everyday loathing, unable to process any form of renewal. You just cannot let go. Stay the same, you pray, you beg. Just stay the damn same.

You can't breathe. It's suddenly too much to handle, an absurd ammount of unrelenting pressure that created a monstrous feeling. That guilt again. You're not good enough. Were you ever? Maybe, but that changed. It can always change. Just breathe! Taste the air, the oxygen, that loving chemical concoction! But you can't reach that filled feeling, you can't reach the sky, the freshness. What enters your lungs is frail and weak. Breathe...

It wasn't always like this. You could adapt, you used to be free of these buldgeoning chains! Something snapped and you can't even begin to understand. You woke up changed. For the worse.

Sometimes you feel weak. The shortness of breathe and soul is so overcoming that you lose control. Everyone deserves a breakdown, you think. But you hide your problems. You want to be the happy one, the one content in their own skin. The one with the boyfriend and the normal family and the good grades. Until that stinking, sneaking lizard of change crawls in to destroy your heart and empty your lungs. Pleading, begging, a crack in your smooth demeanor. Are you alright? Are you sure?

You never appreciate it, but it was always better before. Life was simpler, easier. Even just yesterday was less complicated. That one mistake changed your life. It broke you and remade you into somebody who you no longer know. Who you aren't sure you even like. You can never answer the question of who you are, who you want to be. It's never the same one moment to the next.

And oh, that feeling! That recurring guilt. It shuts you down one organ at a time. Attacks, with a force burgeoning from some unknown cavity. It has you by the throat, a sort of squeezing discomfort, tighter and tigheter by the miunute. A glance in change's direction, just a small redirection in mannerism or pattern, a look at a break in routine, and you close up. Clam up, freeze. You're just screaming for help. It wont come out. Please help. Please...

It's a paranoia of sorts, a schitzophrenic tendency to jump to conclusions within moments of the change. It's a hightened sense of urgency, a corrosion of the mental adaptation. A frenzied need to return to exactly how it was. You're so determined to create a faux reality of normal that your apathy to what is new narrows your sense of perception. It's an apartheid wihin your mind, a war you need to win. This paranormal audacity that ebters your mind, a cannonball of power. Go back to normal, change back, don't scare me like this. It's a plea. It's a catatonic urgency to defend normality.

We're all change. You're defending from the inevitable. The stable is only change. You can never adapt quick enough.

Don't panic.

Just breathe....


© Copyright 2020 Jayce. All rights reserved.

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