Am I Evil?

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
just my life. my fucked up head and my quest for some understanding of it.

Submitted: January 23, 2013

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Submitted: January 23, 2013

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I am writing this because I think it’s time I shared my story.

I’m 19, Male, currently jobless, no friends, no social life, live with my mother (we don’t get on) and my two wonderful labradoodle’s, they are my world and the only thing keeping me sane.I’m just going to come out with this. I want to kill people, I don’t have to. I just simply want to.I don’t care how, I don’t care who see’s, I don’t care how much I will regret the consequences, I just want to kill.I have had a great upbringing, never been the smartest child, got bullied a lot. Dad left at age 7 so I’ve never had a father figure to teach me the simple yet really frustrating things like shaving, the birds and the bee’s and so on ..I am in no way blaming these urges on my father leaving, nor anything in my past. Apart from one thing. People look at me different; they stereotype me because I do look like the stereotype of a ‘chav’.I am very well spoken and wouldn’t normally harm a fly. I started to take a veterinary nursing course because I love animals; I feel I connect better to them. I could sit and talk to any animal all day long and it wouldn’t phase me that they most likely don’t have a clue what I’m saying and I’m talking to no replies. But they give me the feel of emotion through eye contact and because you have to work to share feelings with an animal I feel them so much more (I hope that makes sense).I smile at humans I pass in the street and not one, and I’m not exaggerating, not ONE smiles back, ever! A lot of people have hurt me deeply in the past and I’ve just brushed it off buried it deep inside and just got on with life. But now I’m pissed, it’s all came out at once and now I want to hurt. I wouldn’t hurt children and most certainly not animals, but people my age, older between 19-50, and if there older they have lived there life they don’t need any more pain. Between the age of 18 to 19 I grew up tremendously fast, I learnt I enjoyed to read and research and spent most of my time doing so , but mostly I found how corrupt the world is how cruel it is and how nobody does a thing about it . But the thing that annoys me the most is people believe animals don’t have the same rights as humans. I once saw 2 men drowning a dog in a lake , I won’t go into detail because it was simply horrific , the dog wasn’t crying for pain , it was crying for its life it knew the horrible scum were going to kill her, luckily and believe me luckily I always carry a knife, I ran down and stuck the knife into the middle of one of the men’s back , kicked him sideways and he was disabled for the time being, I then proceeded to repeatedly stab the other man everywhere I could , I wanted them both dead. I took the dog in my arms and walked of. I don’t know what happened to the men and truthfully I hope they both died. The worse part I enjoyed it , all the animals all over the world being abused every day , being euthanized because there a ‘dangerous dog’ and nothing I could ever do would help them, I couldn’t stand there and let that dog be put to death because two men didn’t want her anymore .It was my first day in the vet surgery and there was a pit-bull in one of the kennels, it had been tied to a tree and left with a muzzle on , they never took the muzzle of they never even gave him some water they just stuck the needle straight in and put the poor guy to his end . It made me sick. They didn’t even give the poor dog a chance. The next day two kittens came in, they had been left in a box inside a bin, again didn’t give them a chance and put them to sleep. And what makes it even worse they just throw them into a bag drag them along the floor into the freezer room and cram them all into a household chest freezer. A few months later I was walking my dogs in a field near my house and there was a man beating a horse with a metal pole. He was hitting his with all his force and the horse just couldn’t fight back, he tied it and most likely sedated it, and he was just getting his kicks before he killed the animal. I ran straight over knife drawn and he came at me. He stopped when I ran towards him, probably because he realised I could fight back. I told him to fuck off, simple as that, and he went. I then cut the ties off the horse and gave him some water I always carried in my back pack for my dogs, I also had an apple for my own food so that was a bit of luck for him, I sat there for 3 hours petting him, and he sat cuddling me, he put his right arm around to my back to bring me closer, he was thankful and he was showing it the only was he could. He died 2 hours later. You may think why didn’t I call a vet, I did, I called seven, they would have all wanted payment which I didn’t have. I called the rspca and they took the details and they said they would be there as soon as they could...It took 4 days for them to call me back to say they were standing in the field and they couldn’t see the horse, I ran straight to the field and took them to the spot where I had covered the cadaver with a sheet of plastic nailed into the ground I took over the same night of his death. They said ‘oh’ and I walked away. It’s the fact people can say they care about other, they act as if they are the big man and all mighty , but the second you show them there is someone still on top of them they shit themselves and run for cover, it makes me sick people can pick on people smaller , and more venerable. I couldn’t believe it took me to the age of 18 to finally grow up and realise what a sick twisted world this place is.If you still aren’t on my side, imagine somebody you know going to jail for selling marijuana, they get 14 years. Now imagine somebody rapes your daughter or wife, they will get 9 year and that’s if the judge is in a bad mood and the rapist will get protection for the rest of his life. Now I know you can’t take the law into your own hands, but if you can’t who is?? Because as far as I see all the good people are the ones being punished, I know what’s right and I certainly do know what is wrong.I may be evil and I really may be crazy but until I see some change I will take law into my own hands, I will always carry my knife, and I will always help people and animals to the best of my ability, yet I still can’t get a hello in the street because I’m 19, wear fucking expensive trainers and north face coats and have short hair. I would love a girlfriend, she would be the most special, protected, spoilt and most definitely loved girl in the world, to me anyway. But once again nobody looks once never mind twice.I want to thank you for reading this, I don’t care what you think off me, and I will most likely never meet you. I just had to write some of my story down it was taking up a lot of my brain.

J.

 

 

 

 


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