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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Flash Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

A brief rhetoric of life love and awakening

Submitted: January 02, 2018

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Submitted: January 02, 2018



“Do you really think people our age have any hope of still finding true love?” I was surprised by my old best friend Lynn’s comment. After all fifty four isn’t exactly one foot in the grave. But more importantly I was saddened as I realised that she was admitting that the one married couple I still had belief in perhaps were just deeply committed and not still feeling the goosebumps of love.

"You don't believe what you had with Duncan was true love?" I asked. "No I don't" she replied. "I never got to feel that heart jumping, tummy churning feeling they talk about. It is a kind of love and he makes me reasonably happy."

Again this moment. Lynn knew I never loved Warren my ex husband. She knew I wasn't in love with Norbert, my current partner. How desperately I wanted to tell her that I knew exactly what true love is. That I had fallen in love with my new best friend Jenny ten years ago.

Seemed so shallow that I was afraid to share my secret with my oldest and dearest friend. We had grown up together and been friends since we were five. One would expect we knew each other inside and out, and we had. But this part of me she knew nothing about was perfectly understandable as I too knew nothing about it until Jenny walked into my life.

As a woman who was marginalised and devalued my entire marriage I knew that Jenny was no ordinary temptation; it was the promise of that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. This was a re-awakening of my inner being, of my senses. A resurgence of hope. Hope that life can provide some real joy and excitement. 

It had all the ingredients of the roller coaster ride of my life and I rode it. The consequences were a shattered marriage. Jenny came into my life, eight years younger than me, absolutely gorgeous and thought I was the most beautiful, amazing, intelligent, sexy and remarkable person in the world. I was smitten and had no common sense anywhere to hold onto. This went against my beliefs and my morality, everything I thought I was, but words cannot express the emotions I felt, the true love that I finally knew existed. Every love song finally made sense and I was romanced head over heels. 

At a time when sadness was my sea Jenny taught me to swim again, to believe in myself, my value, gave me self esteem. Time eroded our love as the hopelessness took its toll. There was no future. Neither of us were prepared to sacrifice our children's happiness.

The heartbreak still lingers, with days when I weep for my losses; wish I had never known this joy, that I was still the dowdy, frumpy wife who thought she had nothing to offer the world, the person I was all those years ago.

Yet most of the time I know that deep down I wouldn't change a thing.  I lived life. I discovered bliss and joy and paradise. The promises of books and Hollywood movies and love songs were mine to hold. I experienced them. And it was worth it.

I smiled ruefully to myself as I considered the consequences of that affair. My life is a fuck-up. But I will heal and find another future because now I have hope and know that dreams can come true, even if only for a time. True love exists. Sometimes in an unexpected form.

"Time for another bottle of wine" Lynn said with the mischief glinting in her eyes. "Absolutely!" I replied. I knew that today I would not be telling her my tale. We would get drunk together and laugh until our sides hurt. But she deserved better. She deserved to hope for an awakening.

© Copyright 2019 Jayne Carreleur. All rights reserved.

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