I Can't Live If Living Is Without You

The Accident  

As the truck made contact with my fragile body, all of my memories race through my mind. I think of my friends and family. I think of everything that I would miss: my high school graduation, getting married, and having children. I think of everything but the excruciating pain that I felt.  Finally, I think of him; his smile, his laugh, his voice…. All of that would be gone forever, completely out of my reach, but the memories will never fade. I watch as my body lands in a mound on the side walk. The crimson red blood forms a puddle around me. I hear screams from all directions. The black truck swerves and hits a pole. The driver stumbles out of the truck, obviously drunk. “I am so sor- he slurs and then he staggers a little. Then I lose consciousness. Soon, I come back to my senses. Brief images appear to me like a movie. People are yelling as ambulances arrive on scene. A flash of white light blinds me. Then, the scene returns and I watch carefully. A lump forms in the back of my throat, when I saw that Jeremiah wasn’t there. The pain of the accident sank in, and I quietly cry out in pain. My mother sat beside my body. My head was resting on her lap as she cries. Another flash of white light blinds me. The scene reappears. I saw a familiar white car speed down the road and stop by the ambulance nearest to me. It catches me by surprise to see him as he races out of the car. One of the paramedics’ tries to stop him, but can’t.  He ran past him to my lifeless body and kneels down. Tears were streaming down his face. “I love you Jade,” he chokes. He takes a hold of my hand, and kisses my bloody lips, softly.
 * **

Before the Accident

Jeremiah put his arms around me and smiled sweetly at me. “I love you, Jeremiah” I told him and I meant it. “I love you too, Jade” he responded. Jeremiah Grant was the definition of a perfect boyfriend.  Before I met him, I never knew what it was like; to look at someone and smile for no reason. Jeremiah meant everything to me. I rested my head on his chest, closed my eyes and listened to the comforting sound of his heartbeat. I felt like I finally belonged somewhere. Jeremiah placed his hand on my cheek and then kept it there as he kissed me softly. I could smell his cologne fully and I could admit that I loved how he smelled. Everything was exactly how I wanted it to be. I wouldn’t have changed anything. I would have never guessed that it wouldn’t end well. At the time, all I could think about was how we were perfect for each other. He knew everything about me and vice versa. “Jeremiah, I might go to Miami with you for college. I know it’s a long time before then but… I really want to be with you” I told him when we stopped kissing.  “That’s good, Jade because I want to be with you forever and always” he replied, his eyes looking into mine intensely. Those deep brown eyes revealed no lies or unfaithfulness as he said those words to me. “You want to be with me forever and always?” I asked him, making sure. I was asking the naïve question that all girls eventually asked. “Yes, Jade. You mean the world to me. I would give anything in the world to stay with you for as long as I can. I love you, Jade Eliesse Archer” he told me and then he kissed my forehead. I melted in his arms and sighed. Jeremiah was my world. I couldn’t even begin to think about being with anyone else. Jeremiah was the one who kept my feet on the ground. He was there for me when I needed him. I loved Jeremiah, more than he’d ever know.

* **

The Break-Up

It was a rainy, Sunday morning when the most dreadful thing happened. I didn’t want to believe it but it did happen. Jeremiah broke up with me for reasons that I’d never really know. To him, our four months of being together was just a waste of time. It was hard to process it all. Jeremiah wanted us to be friends. He told me that didn’t want to lose me completely but he didn’t want us to be in a relationship. Just thinking about that made me sick. I couldn’t just be friends with the person I loved. When Jeremiah had told me ‘forever’, he actually meant a few months but when I had said ‘forever’, I meant every day until I died. When he said ‘always’, he meant until he couldn't handle it anymore and when I told him ‘always’, I meant until time ended. Then, when he said he loved me, he meant I was no different from any other girl. Though, when I said I loved Jeremiah, I meant I had never felt so strongly about any other guy as I did with him. It was two weeks later and I sat on my bed, my face blank. I could still feel his warm breath on my cheek. I could feel his strong arms around me as he held me and I could hear the sound of his heartbeat. I could see his sweet smile just before he kissed me. I could see his beautiful warm brown eyes look into mine with such passion and love. My friends and family said he didn’t love me. They told me to move on. They said that he didn’t want to be with me and that I should stop trying. My friends told me that I was lying to myself and said I didn’t know what love was, but I did. There was probably nothing I could have done to prevent him from leaving me. He didn’t want to see me. Although, I swore to myself that if I could go and see him, I could make him change his mind. When he saw how much I was hurting, he’d take me back. If I could just see him, I could turn it all around. If only I could make him look into my eyes one last time. We loved each other, we could make it work.

Without telling my parents, I hurried outside and ran in the direction of his house. My parents would not understand. They would have never let me see him; he broke my heart. The rain poured down, soaking my clothes. After trudging through the water puddles and running through the rain for awhile, I saw his house. I knocked on his door and waited. The door opened and I saw him. I couldn’t help but feel a surge of joy inside as I saw him. My heart began to beat faster as I looked straight into his eyes. However, Jeremiah’s eyes weren’t warm anymore. They had gone completely cold. “Your parents called, Jade. You had us all worried! We had no idea where you went! Why would you do this? Why are you being so selfish?” he shouted. Tears sprung to my eyes. I hated being called selfish. “Now I’m the selfish one?” I asked. Jeremiah glared at me. “What are you even doing here?” he asked coldly. I tried to swallow but the lump in my throat wouldn’t let me. “Jeremiah, I love you” I told him, as my eyes started to tear up. “That’s what you came to say, Jade?” he asked unfeelingly. “Yes, Jeremiah. I need you. Please, we can work our problems out. We love each other. Don’t you still love me?” I asked him. He didn’t say anything. He just stared into my eyes and I saw no emotion in them. I felt my body numbing and my cold hands shook. Jeremiah didn’t love me. My head pounded with this knowledge. Then he was talking, but I didn’t hear a word he said. Jeremiah had already moved on and he did not want me anymore. He was long gone. Jeremiah probably never even loved me. My friends and family were right. I was just a stupid girl that fell in love with a boy and thought that he had loved me back. I touched my cheeks gently and found them wet with my teardrops. I looked down at my feet, giving up. My body drained of all the energy I had had and now I felt utterly empty. Then my tears fell down my face and onto the ground hastily. “Jade…” Jeremiah began. “No…. You don’t even want me. You never even loved me….” I said slowly as I came to this realization. I closed my eyes and the unbearable longing swelled in my chest. I folded my arms across my chest as I felt my world fall apart. “Tell me you hate me, Jeremiah. It’s the only way I’ll ever leave you alone…. Just get it over with” I told him sadly. Jeremiah never responded. I turned and ran away from Jeremiah, never looking back, tears streaming down my face. Whenever I cried, Jeremiah was the one who would always make me feel better. Now, I’m crying and he's not even here. Of course he wouldn’t follow me. I knew that for a fact. That only happened in fairy tales. I waited before I crossed the street, my vision blurred by my tears as my heart broke into a million pieces. Then that’s when I died.

 * **

The Funeral - Present time

When I was alive, I thought it would be cool to be able to watch my own funeral; to see who would show up, and who would shed tears. I look at my body, lying in the coffin, so peaceful and beautiful. My hair is spread out all around me. My face is pale and my lips are blood red. I had never seen myself look so innocent and naïve. I swallow slowly as I watch people walk in. I am surprised by how many people actually come. People look at my body in the casket and there are tears in their eyes. I didn’t think anybody cared enough for me to shed tears. It makes me sad and I am about to cry as well, when suddenly, Jeremiah walks in with my little brother, Hayden. I smile through my tears as I watch Hayden carry some roses over to my casket and put them in, right beside my unmoving body.  He begins to sob loudly and Jeremiah comforts him, patting him on the back. Then Jeremiah takes out a piece of paper from his pocket and lays it in the casket. His eyes start to water as he looks at me. Jeremiah holds onto my limp hand and then he presses his lips to my cheek. “I’m sorry, Jade” he whispers. I move in front of him and look into his eyes. He then looked into mine. Could he see me? Could he see that I was okay? I decide to just say what I want to while I had the time. “Jeremiah, I will never forget you. You will move on eventually, but all I ask is that you remember me. Please, remember our good times and our bad times. Also, remember our fights, and our apologies. I know you love me, Jeremiah. I just wish I could have had one more day with you. I know that’s probably what you would have wanted too.  Jeremiah, I'll be yours forever and always...” I told him. Jeremiah’s eyes began to widen as I said those last words. “Jade?” he whispered. “Yes, Jeremiah. It’s me. I love you” I replied, tears springing to my eyes again. “I love you too” he told me and I smiled. I look at the opened letter in my casket and start to read it:

Dear Jade, I’m sorry I hurt you. I was being stupid. I was just afraid of being in love. You are the only girl I have ever loved. It scared me. I’m sorry I made you cry. I’m sorry I went away and left you. I just wanted to let you know I still love you; forever and always. You’ll always be in my heart. Love, Jeremiah.

I smiled one last time before the white flash blinds me again; this time, forever, taking my soul. You will know if you truly love somebody when they hurt you so badly, but all you can think about it is the times when they made you smile.  Moreover, when you do get hurt by the one you love, it’s like a cut. It will heal ultimately, but there will always be a scar.