Spring's Catharsis

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
Three young men deal with an onslaught of emotional issues.

Submitted: March 15, 2014

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Submitted: March 15, 2014

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Spring's Catharsis

 

Two friends  are staring at the road that  is in front of them. The one in the passenger seat is fixating on the various nuances in the road. Every bump that lies in front of them, he sees coming, or so he thinks. Every once in awhile, sparse feelings and ideas that are in his head took his mind off the road. Yeah, I know that you think this is symbolic, but this is how Evan really lives his life. Ever since he was a kid he would stare at the naked road in front of him. He never knew why, he just did it because he wanted to. The other person is driving, he felt an unavoidable superiority to his friend, who is yet to even attain a permit. Nevertheless, Jerry doesn't want to rub it in. I mean, they're both juniors in high school, and Evan skipped a grade.

 

The path home from school is short and sweet. These streets that were once so large have become so trite, almost. Everything repeats when you have nowhere to expand your self. This town is so small, and trivial, every moment in their lives have happened before, just with subtle differences that only the person experiencing them can distinguish. That's how it feels anyway. Everything pertains to everything, in such a small deserted town. They grew up side by side, those two, and their opinions were the same on just about everything. Watching them all these years have taught me so much about shit no one cares about. Well I do, because I care a great deal about them. I kind of have to. If I don't then no one will care about the meaningless shit I teach them. I can be kind of cynical at times.

 

Jerry kept tapping his fingers on the wheel in a crescendo. Christ, look at that  famous grin pasted on his face that shows just a few of his teeth while he smirks and sparsely looks over at Evan. Fists clenched, eyes became tighter, Evan glared right at Jerry, conveying to him that he should really stop making noises with those damn fingers. Jerry awkwardly chuckled, and told Evan that he was too easy to mess with. You could say that he started "getting it" in the beginning of this school year. Jerry that is. He started noticing the odd mannerisms about his friend. He became desperate for answers after awhile. None have become apparent so far.

 

The car pulled up to Evan's home. You know, for everything that has gone down there it looks so, innocuous. It looks so beautiful and frozen, like it's just a portrait of our lives. A withering childhood and a reprehensible adolescence pieced together as it unfortunately does. The house is kind of white, except there is an occasional twist of green and blue in there. There are seven windows. It's extremely unordinary unless it's one of us looking at it. Then of course there are those fallen trees in the back. Then there's that garage that... Maybe I'm giving too much away.

 

"Yo, that kid really worries me," Jerry said.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, well that's what happens when you mix genius with autism."

"He's neither," Jerry said back.

"Do you really think that? Then explain why Evan worries you, and don't give me an answer that protects your ego." I said back. Why am I still in the back seat? I wondered.

"Haha. He just doesn't know what he's doing. He's in way too deep," Jerry said.

I mean, Evan's not full on autistic, otherwise he wouldn't have rudimentary social skills. Something is obviously up with him though.

 

 

 

 

The summer is approaching so rapidly. This car ride just makes me want to revert back to a little kid so I can be amazed by the street immediately adjacent to mine. I guess I'm twice as big, so the world is half as large. Or twice as small. Depending on whose talking. Why does late spring make me look forward to the future if I'm just trying to relive my past? Whatever, this isn't about me. Stuff's gonna happen with those two, and I guess I'm gonna be dragged along. So that means shit is going to go down with me too? Great.

Jerry dropped me off at the house. He said bye and I said thanks. I knew when he was leaving that he was going to go right back to the school while he still could. He was running out of time, and he knew that the job had to be done quickly. So I saw his car vanish from my vision like a star. I hardly noticed. Shit, the awning is broken, how much does karma want before it's satisfied. It's fucking unsatiable.  You see, this house is haunted. Not really, obviously, but it's haunted in that it just brings bad luck.  And all of that crap.

 

I'm just going to sit on the stoop, better to just wait I guess. Everything is about to happen, and everything is much bigger than I had hoped. You never do know your future until you unravel the past, and isn't that what the three of us are doing? This is why I'm, just like Jerry I'm, jealous of a half- way autistic boy. He doesn't need to put in conscious effort to be brilliant, he just is, and we can't even compete with that. Pathetic. That's what we are, pathetic, jealous of someone who we should pity. Maybe karma has only started to fuck with me.

 

I keep checking my phone every minute waiting for Evan to call me. He was supposed to at one o'clock and now it's 1:59. Maybe I should go to his house? Is it too risky?  I need to get my mind off of everything, before I do something frivolous like that. Wait, there's weed in my room, that's not stupid! I just need to get in there, smoke, and get back in 10 minutes. Hahaha, it's as If I was with my girlfriend and trying to get away with sex. But I probably wouldn't be thinking of ridiculous ways to smoke and get back in a short amount of time, and I certainly wouldn't be this apprehensive if I had a girlfriend. All the girls are the same here in this small trivial town, it's just so aggravating. Everything pertains to everything in a small high school where two plus two always equals four. Nothing breaks the mold.

God damnit, Evan! If that kid doesn't call me in five minutes I'm gonna get stoned on the one day in my life where it's a bad idea. Evan used to always be there, so did Jerry, they're both gone doing things to solve their own problems. Probably because there is no collectivism in our problems anymore, so we all indulge in stupid shit separate from each other. I guess that means that I'm invisible. Just like I want to be.

 

"Hey," Evan said on the phone after finally calling me.

"Hey? That's all you have to say?" I said back.

"So, uh. Jerry hasn't contacted me and uh. I'm worried."

"Wait. Are you serious? Then what have you been doing for the past hour?"

A silence over the phone ensued. God, this is so confusing why did I ever become friends with these guys. I mean yeah, my childhood was fucked up and all, I didn't have company or an actual Father, but does that justify me in identifying with the two older kids that everyone knew were fucked up? Misery loves company I guess, and stuff hasn't gotten any better since childhood. Which is why I long for it, not my childhood, just A childhood. Dad, my sanity needed you around. I had to teach myself everything, and I blatantly did it wrong. I hope to see you soon.

 

"Dude, Jerry needs to call now."

"Be patient," I hypocritically said.

"If Jerry fucks up than we're fucked up too ," Said Evan

"We've been wasting all these years anyway. We aren't solving anyone's issues, Evan."

"We're solving mine. Have you forgotten how fucked up my life is? I don't deserve to be crippled like this. We are doing this because it's what needs to be done. We're saving those kids."

Evan always complains about his problems. He forgets that he's the brightest guy in the school probably. It's just that every action he takes, it seems. Is stupid. I guess he just doesn't know how to use that big head of his yet.

 

"I don't know what you're thinking, but we aren't saving shit, and I really don't know why you think we are," I said.

"Because he's a bastard,"

"To me, yeah, I don't know why you care."

"Oh Fuck you."

"You really are too easy to mess with."

 

Evan, to no shock, hung up the phone. He's so impetuous and unwise that it's laughable. People, however, always trust his input just because he a 140something IQ. But this world is going to envelop Evan and keep him inside until he dies, and he will be perfectly content with that. I shouldn't be jealous of Evan, I pity him too much.

I went upstairs and finally smoked. I like watching the smoke and fumes adorn my room, I guess that's why people get high. To embellish. I don't feel like going outside and waiting for Jerry, or the cops. I don't feel like doing anything really. I just feel like watching the days go  by like they're nothing but fixtures of my imagination. I want to live on a fucking cloud, where childhood, solitude, and fathers don't, or at least cease to exist. I need to go to a place where the drama is dead, the problem is that I can't kill it. So it has to kill me one of these days.

 

Evan's at my door. God, he looks like more of a mess than usual. Didn't he wear that sweatshirt back in the eighth grade. His beautiful blue eyes don't match the rest of him. He usually sends out this message that he has dead brown eyes that have no hope unless you feed it to him. Hmm, kind of like my eyes and disposition. I should probably acknowledge him now.

 

"Okay, Jerry has finished the job. How are we going to keep this between us?" Said Evan.

"I don't know." I said back.

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"Why did you ask if you have all the answers?"

"Fucking god, dude. You realize that if he gets caught with this, then everyone will know that we are culpable for last month and a year ago?"

"I didn't do anything last month."

"Yeah, but this is all on you this time. It was your idea, and I'm only going along with it because you're my best friend. It doesn't benefit me in anyway, it only benefits you and Jerry." Said Evan.

 

I shut the door in his face, and locked it and ran back to my smoke infested room. Where I used to go to cry about my world. My mom, my dad, my friends, and.. myself. I used to worry about what would become of me, and now I'm worried about what I have become. I mean look at me, I'm basically in organized crime. Mom's not home, I can scream can't I? No ones going to stop me, no one cares enough to stop me. The only thing that stops me from going insane is weed, that's just great. I should be relaxed right now, but I'm fucking not.

I remember when Jerry and I first smoked. We were too young for it to be wrong. However it was our first time participating in illicit activities, I guess you can say it was the first step in the wrong direction for us. You can also not say that, depending on whose talking. We felt like such dissidents, I mean we were the youngest kids in town to get high; I was in the sixth grade. Evan was getting his genius test the same day, and that's when we first got jealous, and that's why we smoked. Again, it's fucking pathetic. We're pathetic that is.

 

Something must have went off in my head. In one of these years, there has just been so many that I can't remember which. I'm always in this moral conundrum, but it's a new one everyday! Second guessing myself everyday becomes annoying after awhile, and I can't stop. How is Evan always so unorganized, yet he can control his feelings and keep calm. Despite all this shit we've done he always keeps his cool. Maybe he's just crazy. Yeah, he has to be crazy. I can always see sanity in people that aren't me.

 

Jerry called me. The line has been bringing nothing but recursive breathing for 30 seconds. I'm beginning to lose  my patience.

 

"Jerry?" I said.

"We've done it," He said.

"I know."

"Okay."

I don't know whether to cry or ironically laugh. I'm actually too high to really feel anything that isn't tangible. I'm certainly not relaxed, you would think that after my father finally got what he deserved, I would feel at peace. Yeah, we've been talking about killing my dad this entire time.

 

"How do you feel now that good ol' Principal Smith is no more?" Said Jerry.

"Great, Jerry, Great," I said.

"Alright, I'll be over in ten minutes. You got the story down, right?

"Sure, sure," I lied

"See ya soon."

"Bye."

 

What a fucking idiot. Some assholes out there might say that's it because of the weed, but he was definitely  dumb before he became a pot head. Me on the other-hand, it's entirely weeds fault. hahahah.

 

I opened the door for Evan. We went up to my room, the canvas of my life. We sat on the bed in silence for a moment as Evan smoked what was left of the pot. Watching the smoke disperse from the joint is making me even more nostalgic about my vanishing youth, or is it idyllic? Evan is bored of weed, he sees it as rebellious of an act of saying no to your parents. Acid and shrooms are where it's at for him. What a genius, huh? I've never done that shit, I'm always on a cloud anyway. Why rise to the heavens?

 

"You know, bro, I miss the innocence we had." I abruptly said.

"What innocence? Everyone always said we were going to go down a bad road."

"That doesn't mean we weren't innocent. Just because everyone says something doesn't mean we have to be the portrait they have made of us.

"Yeah, but they had every right to say it. Face it, this is our destiny. We've always been a belligerent group, and with age came more anger. I mean, this is the first time that we actually killed someone. And we fucking did it for you because we always have each other backs in this group. I know that you have been worrying about losing us as friends, but we have done too much together to just let go.

"You're too smart for your own good."

"And you're too arrogant to be apprehensive about everything you do." Evan said.

 

I stared in his direction for a moment, but I wasn't looking at him. All I could see was a slaughtered child that was brutally destroyed by an apathetic teenager. We don't grow older, we just kill our past life. All nostalgia is, is fixating on the dead parts of your past. Like that moment you stare at your hair after it's been cut off. My hair has grown much too long in too short of a time.

 

"Just leave, Evan." I said.

"Oh God, this again? You're not brave enough, so we know you won't." Evan Said.

"No, you just don't give a fuck."

"Fine, want me to reword it? You're too smart to do anything dumb."

"Oh please, you're the genius here."

"A genius who does acid. Please elaborate."

We both just exchanged "Fuck You" looks. But in the cute way. I guess, maybe he does care about me, and I've been wrong this whole time. But, to be candid, I don't feel better at all.

 

"Dad had a gun and it's in the other room." I said.

Evan has this dumbfounded look on his face, like a kid who was just told that their dog is going to a farm. Those eyes of his, I just can't look, they're so fucking dead and blue. Whenever he looks at me it feels like he's looking at something different, better, that is. I pushed him off the bed and ran into my mother's room. Evan emitted a harsh scream and broke down the door that I had just closed seconds before. Look at him, so naive, what a fucking genius.

 

"Put down the gun. If you have any honor, you will put down the gun and save Jerry and I from getting caught," Said a stern Evan.

"You guys don't need me, I'm just a tool. I'm supplementary to everything we've ever done."

"Then why don't I walk out that door and let you kill yourself if you mean that fucking little to me? Evan Said.

We both heard Jerry pull up in his car. No trace of cops. Wait, Evan seems distracted, here is my chance. I evaded him, I ran downstairs to reach the car. I don't even have my permit, but I need to live for just a few miles. Fuck! I don't have keys, I'm so fucking stupid! I need to run, before mom gets home, she might yell at me if she finds that god damned weed!

 

"Don't make me do this! " Screamed Jerry.

"Do what? You fucked up my life once, Jerry!"

"Maybe, but I'm not gonna let you fuck up mine," Jerry Said.

 

Evan screamed at Jerry.  Jerry punched him right in the jaw.

 

"Cos you fucked up my life already, Evan." Jerry Said.

"What the fuck Jerry? You dragged me into this whole thing, I could have gone to Harvard if it weren't for you," Evan Said.

 

I stared at both of them, tearing each other apart. They're acting just like, well, children. Haven't I been acting like one too all this time? Making hollow suicidal threats, doing drugs but still petrified at the thought of mom finding out.

 

"Yo!" I shouted. "Stop, we need to get the story straight, we know exactly how to do this, we can't fail. But after tonight, I'm done with this, and both of you."

Evan looked absolutely stunned. Jerry didn't even acknowledge me at first, per usual. But once Evan stopped fighting Jerry came to the realization of how frivolous he was acting and then he turned to me. I guess karma does kill all of us eventually. We live decent lives, we don't kill ourselves or get killed, or we can live evil lives and die in such a way only a story can portray well. But all death is the same in the end, a permanent loss of consciousness. How we die doesn't effect how we are viewed in the world, because your world is dead.  Karma is giving me what I deserve, I had a part in killing someone, my father, and I have to live the guilt until I die, and that's worse than a 17 year old death.

 


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