Clear-Cut Johnny

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  No Houses
A lumberjack who likes to party!

Submitted: January 21, 2015

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Submitted: January 21, 2015




"Timber!" says the man with the chainsaw in his hand

"Another tree to add to make the home buyers glad"

He doesn't stop to think about what damage it's doing long-term

He doesn't give a shit, and he sure never learns!

Johnny is his given name, but his nickname is Clear-Cut

He sees himself as wearing white but he's really a tree-cutting pain in the butt!

With the saw in one hand and a 32-ounce beer in the other,

He's wood's greatest nightmare, he's a chain saw mother!

He doesn't give a shit, as long as he gets his dough

As long as he gets paid those trees are going to go

Birds nests, baby birds be damned,

Those trees are going down, by the nature-killer in his hand

He wields that blade with a ruthless swagger,

But look out if the guy slips and staggers

That means he had a few too many

"Another round down here, barkeep; set them up again-y!"

"Don't you think you've had enough?" asks the barkeep

"After all, you've only got three hours left of free

Time before your next shift starts anew."

"What?  This bar sucks; screw you!"

And so he staggers back home, for a couple hours of shut-eye

When he comes to, he feels like he could die!

"Today's going to be another boring-ass day,

It'll suck the same as the rest" is all he'll say

He picks up his saw, it feels like dead weight,

Yes, he feels like shit, but he can't be late

He's behind on his credit card bills; he has to work

The other lumberjacks see him coming, "Here comes that jerk!"

But he just revs that bitch up so he cannot hear,

And up the tree he goes; God, he craves a beer

When he's through sawing, no trees for miles around!

The falling of formerly-living evergreens is the only sound

The other lumberjacks are concerned about reseeding,

Not so Clear-Cut Johnny, he's all about beer, and right now he's needing

Quite a few; in fact he's daydreaming, 70 feet off the ground,

About an ice-cold one that he'll soon be chugging down

Not very smart, but then I already told you, he just doesn't care

As he's daydreaming he loses all control; up in the tree there

The saw blade makes swift work of his leg

I guarantee you he's not thinking about a cold beer keg

As he plummets screaming from way up on high

He's 190 pounds of scared as he realizes he's just about to die

He hits and digs a crater on the forest floor

Looks like Clear Cut Johnny won't be clear cutting anything, anymore!














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