It was a beautiful summer day. The sun loomed high overhead; radiating the earth with waves of warmth below, seagulls swooped from the high cliffs off the coast. Not a cloud was in the sky. Dressed in a cheesy sailor hat, proudly wearing his pants tucked into his underwear, local nerd, Steve Urkel had decided to spend the gorgeous afternoon in a rented pontoon boat. Floating gently through the water, Urkel was very excited to set out on his fishing trip.
“Ahhh…I just love a good day out at sea,” snorted an overly enthusiastic Urkel in delight. He picked up a picture of a young teenage girl and nuzzled himself closer to the photograph. “If only my beloved Laura was here to embark on this perilous journey with me…yeah, that would be great,” he drooled fantasizing about his unrequited love. Urkel narrowed his eyes and gave the ocean a mean stare. “Now I’m going to catch me a fish!” he exclaimed as he firmly gripped the fishing rod and cast it down into the murky depths of the Atlantic.
For the next forty five minutes, Urkel waited for the perfect catch. “Yep, any minute now,” he sighed, glancing at his watch after an hour had past. A few hours later the sun had started to descend towards the west. Not a fish had nibbled on the lure since he had started his journey. Growing impatient, he yelled in fury, “I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! Jeez Louise, I had better get my money back from renting this hanky-panky hunk o’ steel they call a boat. Maybe I should just turn back home.”
All of a sudden, out of nowhere, almost as if it were under some type of magical spell, a mysterious object had caught onto the other end of the fishing line. Urkel’s eyes grew wide with amazement. “I caught something! I caught something!” he chanted hysterically as he started to reel in the fish. Panting ferociously, sharp pains of exhaustion paralyzed his muscles and big, blue veins began to throb on his neck. With all his might, Urkel pulled hard until the mysterious object had reached the surface. “OW! OW!” Urkel cried in pain, hopping on one foot.
What had he caught? What was this mysterious object from the underwater world? It seemed to be a treasure chest. A crustaceous creature crawled on the lock and algae blanked the top. Suddenly the chest magically opened, revealing thousands of valuable gems and coins shimmering brightly in the light. Urkel’s mouth hung agape as he stood in complete awe. He blinked a few times, rubbing his glasses with a cloth to make sure he was seeing correctly. “I…I…I…I’M RICH! WOO-HOO! Now I can quit school, go to Vegas, and live the fancy life. By golly, this is the best day of my life.”
“And it will be your last, lad!” echoed a captivating voice calling from the distance. “Who’s there?” Urkel shivered nervously, “I’ve got an inhaler and I’m not afraid to use it!” Before the unsuspecting geek could comprehend the chaos that surrounded him, he found himself confronted with a grizzly beastly man. “The name’s Captain Jack Sparrow,” exclaimed the crafty character, chewing on a tobacco pipe dangling from the side of his mouth, “And what may I ask are you doing with my treasure?”
Urkel stood motionless, paralyzed with fear. “Well?” Jack raised an eyebrow waiting for a response but not a word escaped from Urkel’s lips. “Bit of a scrawny fella, are you? Like your hat, very savvy,” Jack winked. “I think I wet my pants,” Urkel mumbled softly. The pirate spoke again, “That’s me treasure you’re dealing with right there.” Urkel stuttered, “A pirate? But…but…how could it be? I thought there were no more pirates around since the 18th century.” Jack’s lips twisted into a devilish smirk, “I’m immortal therefore I can not die. Ever hear of the famous ‘Immortal Captain Jack Sparrow’? You really ought to get out more.”
“Immortal, you say? Wow, that’s really something, has such a lovely ring to it. Listen, I’d love to stay and chat but I best be going,” said Urkel, eager to avoid conflict with the rugged man. “You’re not getting off that easy. Trying to steal me treasure, eh? No ignorant, four-eyed, high-pants-wearing child can pull the wool over Captain Jack Sparrow’s eyes!”
Anger began to brew within Urkel’s heart. Without fear of consequence, the boy shouted, “Ignorant? Now you listen up, mister, I’m not going to stand for this humiliation. I’ll have you know that I am a very sophisticated intellectual human being.” The sleazy pirate rolled his eyes, “Aye, you’re intellectual alright…intellectual, my fanny!” Urkel pinched his nose and wafted the air with his hand, “P-U? When was the last time you bathed?”
“Do not mock my odor or I shall set a curse upon this god-forsaken thing you call a ship!” snipped the headstrong pirate, “Now hand over me treasure or else!” “No way, you smelly old pirate!” yelled a defiant Urkel, grabbing the valuables tightly to his chest.
A loud thunderous roar of a band of blood thirsty treasure stealers came from a ship ten times the size of Urkel’s pontoon. Adorned with great sails and ample supplies of modernized weaponry, the ship’s crewmen had their eyes set on Jack’s treasure. “Oh no, I had a bad feeling this was gonna happen,” sighed Jack, sharpening his dagger. “What? Who? What’s going on?” questioned a confused Urkel. “These goons have been trying to get their greasy little paws on me treasure for years,” explained Jack. Urkel’s eyes twinkled with an ingenious idea, “Perhaps I could be of some assistance…for a cut of your treasure. I’ll help you fight these bad guys if you give me a quarter of your gems.” Jack Sparrow extended his hand in agreement, “A valiant lad, are ye? I admire your courage. I suppose there’d be no harm in having your help.”
Just then fifteen evil pirates began to seize the pathetic pontoon. Before they had the opportunity to make off with the treasure, Urkel and Jack had teamed up to hinder their devious deeds. “Take some of this, you smelly creepy guys!” shouted Urkel as he sprayed a burst of his inhaler allergy medication into the eyes of the villains until they went blind. With the strength of ten thousand men, Jack used the awesome power of his fists to punch out the rest of the thieves. After five minutes, all the pirates had been wounded or thrown overboard. The treasure had remained unharmed.
“YAY! Wait ‘till the family hears about this,” beamed Urkel with pride. “Care for a bottle of rum to celebrate?” Jack asked in a friendly manner. “Sorry, but I’m under the drinking age. We could have a bottle of non-alcoholic cider instead,” giggled the geek followed by a loud snort. As promised, Jack generously handed over a portion of his treasure to his nerdy companion. “You’re alright for a kid,” nodded Jack in acceptance, “But now I must go.”
“Go? Where to?” asked the gawky teenager. With the caress of the gentle sea breeze, Captain Jack Sparrow had vanished within a fraction of a second. Young Steven Urkel looked from side to side, not a soul in sight. “Boy, what a crazy adventure this has been,” he acknowledged turning his pontoon towards the shore, never to hear again from the mysterious Captain Jack Sparrow.
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