A Very Non-Serious Speech

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
A joking, completely non serious address from the heterosexual community.

Submitted: October 18, 2012

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Submitted: October 18, 2012

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The Public Address of the Heterosexual Community, A Contemplation of our Pains

 

Hello, and good day. I stand before you today to address the unspoken pains of the heterosexual community. The members of my community were too afraid to come forward and speak their minds, so I was elected to come and do so, as their formal representation.

We the straights, have a dream. We dream of our gay children and straight children prancing around in meadows, hand in hand, off into the sunset on a beautiful day in which all are deemed equal and of the same worth. But alas, this has yet to be.

Many speak of marriage equality rights. Others speak of adoption rights. Many gays demand these things, and even more demand parades. And parades they received. Marriage rights are on the way, and hopefully other civil liberties will soon be to follow. Yet, has anybody heard the voices of the heterosexual community, and their pains and struggles? I think not, and thus, I am hear to address their concerns.

First, heterosexuals are forced to live in a bleak world, a world filled with neutral colors such as black, and brown, and gray. Why no green? Violet? Red? What happened to these vibrant, passionate colors that once filled heterosexual hearts with mirth and merriment?

They were taken away, as symbols of the gay community. They took every single color of the visible lights spectrum, every color that can be seen with the naked eye. The gays adorn these colors as symbols of pride and courage. Yet, to the heterosexuals, this brings woe and despondency. “What colors are we to wear, if all the colors are now gay?” they ask. Can heterosexuals only wear colors on gay appreciation days, or at the aforementioned parades? Is every other day restricted to mundane browns, grays, and off-whites? Surely, all of you that I stand before today can see how this is a travesty of justice against the heterosexual community, who want nothing but to maintain their heterosexual identities, and still feel the vibrant glow of the magnificent rainbow.

What's more, the heterosexuals cry out, is that the gays took the dolphins and the flamingos. Everybody loves dolphins and flamingos. They are the happiest animals on the face of the planet, surely we can all agree. Yet everything is now caste with a streak of gay. Were our children gay as the watched the movie Flipper in the early nineties? Were they gay when they reached their chubby baby hands out over the railings at the zoo to reach out toward the colorful flamingos, arched gracefully and effortlessly on one foot? When people want to “swim with the dolphins,” does that carry a new connotation? Why, the heterosexuals ask. Why?

But the grievances do not end there, my fellow Americans. No, the list goes on. Past the colors, past the animal kingdom, we now traverse into the land of basic shapes. Yes, I am speaking of the almighty triangle. The gays have taken the triangle into their repertoire of all things gay. The triangle is the basis of many things. Architecturally, it is the strongest shape, and is used in blue prints to form bridges. Are we no longer to construct bridges, then? Or are our bridges only able to go to places of gay, such as Rehobeth Beach, or San Francisco? Is the Golden Gate Bridge now the Golden Gay Bridge? What about the worth of the triangle in the art of mathematics. Pythagorean Theorem once stated, A squared, plus B squared, equals C squared. But now, it is as if, A squared, plus B squared, equals Gay. Why, the heterosexuals ask. Why?

Even the words of the English language have been consumed by the gay community. The word 'gay' used to mean 'happy'. People would say, “Oh, look at the gay  little children singing merrily on such a lovely, gay day.” Or, “My, you are just glowing ever so gayly today.” And what's more, the word queer now manifests itself as a symbol of gay. Once, people could say, “Oh, your sweater is missing it's third button; it makes you look rather queer,” or, “Gee, Sally sure was acting rather queer today.” No longer, can the heterosexuals feel queer. No longer, can they feel gay. Our emotions are restricted to fewer and fewer words, just as our colors are. Someday, we may have no words left at all. 'Fabulous' is teetering of the edge of gay, just as 'super duper' and 'totes'. Where does is end? Why, the heterosexuals ask. Why?

The heterosexuals want nothing more than to see the gays of the world happy and parading about, building bridges, using basic geometry, and feeling queer as they look up to the sky filled with rainbows, and feeling very gay as they look out to the oceans filled with dolphins. And yet, heterosexuals need parades, bridges, math, and they too want to feel gay or queer at times, or just know that their new boots are 'totes fabulous'. Why are the heterosexuals forced into a bind such as this?

And so, I stand before you today to represent the heterosexuals in saying, please, get married, and adopt children. We live in a world where people lack the love they need, a world where children have no place to call home. We need all of you ever so much. Please, do not settle for civil unions and not have the right to be by your loved one's side if they are in the hospital. Please, demand to share the beautiful feeling of union and fulfillment that comes with marriage. Please, be free and enjoy, and do not fear.

But please, we ask. Please, as we do everything we can to make sure these rights are equally shared, for God's sake, share your joys with us, the heterosexuals. Share the rainbows, the dolphins, and Pythagorean's Theorem- for what is life, if it is not shared with others? Let us all live in a land of equality. Let us let go of the animosity of the past. Let us break down the fences between the gays and the straights, and let us all share this beautiful world, for the short time that we have to live upon its glorious plains. Please, let us all just be one. For in the end, no matter who we love, we all love the same.

That is all I have to say today. I hope my words have meant something to you, and I hope you have truly heard what I have to say. And with that, I bid you all, gays and straights and everyone else, good day. See you at the next parade.


© Copyright 2018 Jenna Lane. All rights reserved.

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