The Snapper

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
A typical grocery store trip in Hollywood.

Submitted: May 30, 2013

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Submitted: May 30, 2013




Yesterday I was standing in the soup aisle at the grocery store when a man came up behind me and started snapping his fingers next to both my ears. I was holding a bottle of wine and a pint of frozen yogurt and after the initial gut wrenching fright of a stranger standing too close to you from behind, I began nervously trying to move away, but he moved with me and continued snapping. He wasn’t even snapping to the beat of Demi Levato’s “Give your heart a break” which was playing overhead. Usually when people snap their fingers it’s quirky and fun, but this man had turned snapping into a senseless, random act of aggression. Now, whenever I find myself in the presence of a church choir snapping to the beat of the Lord, or at a poetry reading where people are happily snapping applause I will be reminded of this horrific event in my life.

Because it had been 80 degrees that day, the soup aisle was empty, and in retrospect, I should have instantly resorted to violence, and turned around abruptly and struck him in the face with the wine bottle, or dropped the wine bottle and frozen yogurt and just started pelting him in his precious jewels with family size chicken noodle soup cans off the shelf, but that’s not my style. In moments of panic I tend to do the same thing no matter what the situation, and that is close my eyes. Which is what I did in the soup aisle. I closed my eyes and whimpered, “Please no.”

Luckily, in Hollywood there are security guards at all stores because men who come up behind girls and snap their fingers in their ears are always wandering around and need supervision. A security guard standing over by the self checkout noticed and rushed over, “Hey man you need to leave rightnow.” I opened my eyes and turned around and got a good look at my attacker, which is now what I have been telling people, “I got attacked at Ralphs yesterday, attacked.” He was my height, so big for a lady, but normal size for a gentleman, and kind of looked like an older Little Wayne. He was dressed in all black and wearing a backwards baseball cap and had long dreads. I wanted him to smile so I could see his teeth because in my imagination, he probably had a few silver teeth, maybe even a mismatched gold tooth, but he quickly stopped snapping and wandered out of the store following the security gaurd’s orders. I looked at the security gaurd, “Thank you so much, you saved my life.” He smiled proudly and then I added, “Do you think I could maybe get a free can of soup, I mean I’m a little shaky after that whole ordeal.” He stopped smiling, “That’s a question for the manager of the store mam.”

I walked out of the store with a bottle of wine, frozen yogurt, one can of low sodium lentil bean soup, and one complimentary family sized can of chicken noodle soup and went home.

© Copyright 2018 Jennifer Donahue . All rights reserved.

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