...till death do us part...

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Literary Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
dreams!... we all have dreams but who knows what life has in store?! She too had dreams as she took the vow on her wedding day. she too had hopes as she said yes to him... faith in him that he will love her for the rest of his life as he had promised... But what fate had in store for her was different from what she had hoped or dreamed about or so it seems when she was made to watch him with another woman!

Submitted: July 15, 2013

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Submitted: July 15, 2013

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…till death do us part…

Is it envy or is it rage what I should feel right now when I’m looking at them. I don’t know… I simply don’t know. I do not understand the feelings going through my mind, when I am made to watch my spouse sleeping with another woman. I sat down on the floor leaning against the wooden cupboard, my eyes transfixed on them. Her head laid upon his chest his right arm hugging her, deep in their slumber are they aware of me watching them?! Before… there was a time when I couldn’t stand the thought of him with another woman, before… I had a faith that he is only mine, mine to love and keep. But now… well, now things have changed and I’m used to this sight. Now I imagine him with her more than with me, now he is a part of her and less a part of me. How am I handling this scandal, when I see them together when I see him caress her and kiss her?! I wish if I had another chance… I wish if I could go back in time… to those times when he was mine, when I was ‘HIS’. Fresh as the morning dew, those memories remain in my heart… our first kiss, the times when he took me in his hand and kissed me, confessing his love for me…I had always believed, and I still believe… that somewhere in his heart he still loves me. We were together, happy and profoundly in love with each other. But now all that is past, beads of memories knitted into the satin silk of life.

In my youth, it was very clear that I wouldn’t fall for a guy like him, well bread mature and seemingly boring. When he first came to see me with Lawrence uncle, my first plead to God was ‘oh, God please don’t let me live a life with such a boring geek!’ Blue shirt with white stripes tucked inside, formal trousers and black leathered shoes, as if walking in for an interview he came to my house. Even though visiting a girl’s house to ask her hand is supposedly an interview from her parents, especially in an arranged marriage. I peeped at him through the heavy curtains from the kitchen. His gelled hair, formal looks plus with the good certificate from Lawrence uncle I was damn sure that this is not my type of guy. Do I have a type?! Well I sure don’t know that, I never had gone dating anyone, but still this was not that type of guy whom I would fall head over heels for. I like that type of guy… you know that charming, good looking cool guys with bikes ridden harshly and who get drunk at times, I like that wild type of guy. Of course sweet and romantic with me, with whom I could make each day a new adventure, unfortunately I found none… either those who liked me was not good enough for me or whom I liked were too good for me. And so I remained single until my dad thought of getting me married off. He was the first suitor my uncle had found for me… good mannered, polite and friendly and most importantly a well earning post graduate. ‘I should have fallen in love with someone… anyone in my college days; I’ve ruined my entire life waiting for the perfect guy and this guy… God, he was way too perfect for me.’ I thought to myself as I smiled at him while serving tea.

‘In this era of low waist jeans, messy hair-do’s and dirty tee’s who would want a guy like that?’ I asked my big sister as I walked in the kitchen.

‘He seems a perfect guy to lead a life with.’

‘Lead a life?! You crazy? You know my concepts… you want me to spend life with such a nerd?! God… I should have eloped with someone.’

‘Believe me, you will agree with me in the near future.’

‘I wouldn’t… how many times I’ve told you I want someone who would make my every day a whole new adventure. Who does crazy stuff with me… make me laugh and have loads of funs! I’ve always waited and prayed for that perfect guy to come and hold my hand. Who would look in to my eyes and say that I am his. Who would kiss me to sleep every single night.’

‘He might be all that, you wouldn’t know.’ She smirked

‘Ah… he looks that type who wouldn’t sleep without a computer by his side.’

She smiled; well she had to agree he definitely looked like that type. ‘Too much of expectations I know… but I simply can’t stop dreaming, hoping. I wish if that magic of love could just happen to me… I wish if that miracle could happen in my life too… someone to hold me… hug me… kiss me… and lie to me that I’m beautiful.’ I smiled, having talked about my fantasy. She patted on my hand and smiled too, as if I finished a recitation. Only I knew how much those words meant to me, how I had longed and waited for that perfect guy. Loneliness was my constant companion and love was a distant dream. When I see my friends walking hand in hand and get themselves lost in day dreams and blush at their own thoughts I had wished to have fallen in love. But when they break up I used to thank God that I had not fallen for a wrong guy, It’s better that way to wait for that one guy- whom God had created me to accompany, than to give in for someone else and at those times that loneliness was comfortable and the longing was bearable.  I wish if my dreams could be fulfilled… my longing could just end.

Even though my dad knows him very well and liked his character and adored his personality he wasn’t very comfortable with the alliance. The reason was not that, he too preferred cool guys in low waist jeans, but was that this guy had no family. He was brought up in an orphanage by nuns, under the kindness of some unknown sponsor he had completed his schoolings and thereafter with scholarship and part time jobs he managed to complete post graduation in technology. Yes, he was an achiever and that was something my dad liked about him the most. He earned well, with no other reliabilities had build a beautiful house and have a cool car, well I really did like that car it was totally awesome, perhaps that was the only coolest thing he had ever possessed besides me. Dad was confident that he can provide me with a comfortable and a rich happy life but then there was a fear in him… that there wouldn’t be anyone from his side to give us a moral support, that we will be really alone in the journey with family members only from my side. Lawrence uncle had asked dad to think about it and dad was confused and I was damn sure that I don’t want him… well… I guess I was not that sure. I was in a puzzled situation back then, you know… that kinda situation when you don’t know what you want… the situation in which your mind is already made up but your heart and soul begs you to choose otherwise and you don’t want to listen. Even though my brain had decided against him somewhere in my heart it aches to give him up.

After a few days he had came to our house to talk to my dad. I was at my usual place in the garden with my book when he walked in with his not-so-romantic smile. Okay I agree… He was not that bad, his hair was not gelled as it had been on that day and he was in his casuals. I smiled and walked inside without even a single word of greeting, I seriously didn’t want any kind of conversation with him. Today my dad will tell him that he is not interested with this alliance and we would be two strangers who had met twice, had never exchanged a word and bye bye.

Dad had begun the conversation smoothly with his job, my job hunts, inflation and all such crap. While I was sitting on the stair case invisible to that geek wondering when he could bring up the matter. And then at some point they came to the matter. Dad mumbled before him and had tried his level best to lay thousands of lame excuses but had failed scantily. It’s not that he argued or anything, he kept sipping  his coffee and at times smiling as if knowing what was next to come.

‘Is it because of that…? I am an orphan?’ He asked plainly. My dad and I as well kept looking at him not knowing what to say. After some while dad managed to find his tongue untied, he said

‘I know that you are a good man… but try to think about this from my side. How can I?’ he trailed off, actually even he didn’t know what his problem was, what his fears were. ‘If you two want some help or something what will you do?! Who will be there for you? Of course we will be there but in a situation if I couldn’t make it, who will be there to support you two?’

‘Do you have half an hour to spare for me uncle?!’ He asked. All of us were confused, not knowing what he wants. He made a few calls and waited, though the air of easiness had vanished between my dad and him, he was somehow cozy and tried to shoot up conversation.

After some while a few of his friends arrived, a little concerned. I stood up and walked to my Ma.

He said ‘I’ve lost many things because of that one single reason, which was not my mistake. My childhood was a nightmare wishing every night that I had a mother to take care and love, tuck me in bed and put me to sleep, I’ve prayed but God denied. I’ve not known what a mother’s love is nor a father’s command, but one thing I can assure you… all of these people will be there to support us at times of need and I too will stand by their side when they need me. Because when we were little, we were all alone and had only each other to stand up for and we will… and I assure you they will be there for me more than any other blood relation.’

I should say, I’m impressed, I like the way he said things. I stepped out from behind the curtains and stole a glance at him. Alright… he was looking good, well I should say, only then had I noticed that Adams apple moving up and down his throat, and I liked it.

‘This is not the first time I’ve been rejected for this reason. But this is the first time I’ve felt like proving it all wrong because…’ he continued looking at me ‘because… this is the first time I’m feeling this way. You are the first woman towards whom I’ve felt so intensely. All I want to say is that… if you say yes… no matter what, I would never let you go. You will be safe with me and I will love you till the last beat of my heart…’ I gulped a lump; I didn’t know what to say. He turned to dad and continued ‘I will not let her eyes tear up and promise to keep her cherubic laughter as long as I live. I will love her and take care of her as my only possession. I promise you this because… something tells me that she belongs to me, she is mine to have.’ He finished with a distant glint in his eyes. His friends patted his shoulder. I could see pride in their eyes. He looked at me and smiled I managed a weak smile too. I didn’t know what to say, what to do, I kept looking at dad not knowing what his decision was.

I didn’t want dad to choose against him. I curiously looked at dad, my heart beseeching to say yes! What was I thinking? I didn’t even like him a few moments ago but now my heart was aching to see him again, to hear his crispy voice. I didn’t want dad to say no to this relationship…I… I think I am in love, but was I really in love? Were his promises true? I didn’t know back then.

I looked at the figures in bed in passionate hug still in their deep sleep. I tried to smile… but a drop of tear escaped down my eyelids… Our life was so perfect…

Dad had finally agreed how he could say no to a guy so promising. Our marriage was fixed. It was in one of those days when Lawrence uncle and his wife visited our house. We were sitting in the garden having tea dad, Ma, me and the couple. At some point they were talking about their marriage how they met and how they fell in love.

Aunty said ‘I didn’t even know him when we got married. It was not like in these days, we were two complete strangers happened to live together. Only once or twice had I met him before marriage, we never had a chance to talk or fall in love. Only hopes and dreams were there common to both of us. Is he ill tempered? I didn’t know. I didn’t know what he likes or what he hates all I remember was my Appa telling me that he is a gentleman.’

‘But how? I mean how can you leave everything and go and live with an absolute stranger? You don’t even know him, then how?’ I wondered

‘Faith… hope, belief… faith in God that he will not let me down. Belief that my parents will not choose anything wrong for me and hope that’ she looked at Lawrence uncle and continued ‘this is a man worth waiting for.’

‘And the best thing about marriage at those times was that’ he said ‘you don’t have to try hard to impress them. First of all you meet very often and secondly she is confused more than we are… You don’t have to buy them gifts at every occasion. You don’t have to kiss them every single moment and say I love you.’

‘Yes’ aunty tried to pick up from there ‘you wouldn’t even know when you had fallen in love… in the beginning it is the sense of duty, it is the oath you took before the altar and the prestige issues of your family that keeps you to him. That makes you hold back a fight and keep your mouth shut, but then later… as the days pass by you slowly begin to realize that it is no longer the sense of duty that holds you together, but it is love…’ she finished I smiled at her expression, and yes there was love in her eyes as she had said this.

‘This golden band on your finger’ said uncle pointing to his engagement ring ‘is a miraculous thing… it is that binds you to her in the beginning, but later you can find an invisible band that binds both of you and that is love. Love in our life began only after marriage. It is a good feeling that you feel when you watch her sleeping beside you, unaware of been watched. But it feels the best when you pretend to be asleep and she watches you with intense love like a mother.’ He said and winked. He put his hand around her as she stood wonderstruck; both my parents and I laughed a silent laugh.

I kept looking at them, they were a happy couple… confessing before us their love for each other. Opposite to them sat my parents, my dad’s right hand on my mother’s shoulder and I was sitting on the grass alone. I watched the two couples smiling, cracking jokes and laughing… but I sat there alone, with no one to hug, no one beside… I felt alone… I was missing someone, I wish… if he was there with me, beside me listening to this confession made by two loving hearts. I tried to smile, but it was faint. I excused myself and went to my room I picked up my cell, scrolled down to his number. Should I? Will he know my number? I’ve not called him before nor had he. Pressing the call button was an involuntary action. ‘The number your calling is currently busy,’ damn! After another minute I made another attempt. He picked up.

‘Hello…’ He said from the other side. My heart was skipping beats, should I disconnect?

‘Hello…’ after some while I managed to speak.

‘Eh… listen, I am a little busy right now, I’ll call you back later.’ He said. I did not reply, what am I supposed to say? ‘Is it okay?’ He asked

‘Yeah… fine… bye’ I said shutting my eyes close. Idiot…! For your information he didn’t called me back that day.

It was Lawrence uncles wedding anniversary and all my first and second cousins were there. He was also invited. There were people around me, laughing talking aloud but I was missing something terribly. Was it him? Nay… there wasn’t anything much between us to miss him so much, maybe I was not in a party mood. Perhaps it was him… because I find myself glancing at the door occasionally until he walked in. Damn I love the way he looked that night, dark purple shirt sleeves rolled up to his elbow dark blue trousers and a red framed specs. Since when had he began to wear specs? I wondered. I kept looking at him; not even once he looked at me. He greeted my parents, my uncles and aunties, my cousins, my sister and her husband. That huge grin pasted across his face never left him, then again not even once he looked at me…

‘Wow…look at him… he is so damn hot.’ Cried a year younger cousin of mine

‘In two weeks he is going to be your brother.’ I said

‘He is that geek you were talking about?’ her jaw dropped, as I nodded.

‘What the hell… are you out of your senses? He is not a nerd, he is cool.’ she looked at him again and continued ‘Well not cool… HOT!’ I rolled my eyes, if only she had seen him that day.

‘GOD… why you tie up such cool guys with below average girls?’

‘What?’ I asked fuming, I was growing red. My fiancé was not even looking at me, no Hi’s and nothing and now my sister thinks that I don’t worth him even worst she called me below average.

‘Chill out, I was just kidding. Now let me go and meet my future brother in law.’ She said ‘Come on, introduce me to him’

‘It seems like someone is needed to introduce me to him.’ I said, she shrugged and walked to him. They were talking and laughing, she said something pointing at me and they laughed again, from the way I remember that night that was the only time he looked at me. Every now and then I used to steal glances at him and to my surprise he didn’t even return a single. Who said he was not-so-romantic type? He was not-at-all-romantic type. I don’t know who had introduced him to all these people, even though they were my first and second cousins they had not talked or had laughed with me like they were with him. At last, at the end of the party it was time for him to leave… please… come up to me and at least say a good bye. I looked at him; I moved aside, will he search for me in the crowd? In the midst of all those nosy aunties I stood, my eyes following him. He was searching for someone, I smiled to myself. His eyes were moving anxiously from one crowd to the other, from one cluster to another. Even as he speaks to people there was a longing in his eyes. Okay… I forgive him, I can now walk to him, I thought to myself but before I could take that decision someone else walked to him and patted from behind. He turned to that old bald uncle of mine and grinned broadly as if he had found someone whom he had been searching for a life time. Then they walked out talking and laughing… I swear if I was given a knife back then I would have stabbed him right away. After that I didn’t even feel like smiling, I sat there pretending to listen to my cousins until a message flashed on my cell screen.

‘Hey… I thnk u r bc. Wasn’t able to say good bye. I’m leaving bye…!’

Busy? I was busy? Did he even have time to look at me? And now he is telling me that I was busy… God… I cannot believe I am about to end up with him.

That night I tried to get some sleep. But I couldn’t… I turned from one side to the other. I cannot get his image of my mind… He was damn good and a showing off jerk! I picked up my cell read his message over and over again. At last I couldn’t resist sending him a ‘Good night!’ I waited, I closed my eyes but my eye lid popped open every minute taking a glance at the cell. No message was returned, after half an hour of waiting, when I was about to fall asleep my cell flashed a new message I smiled to myself as I picked up the phone and read.

‘No matter how many of them had said this will this night be complete without me telling you goodnight?! Sweet dreams good night! J N@mith@’

Ah… curse you Namitha; don’t you have anything better to do at this time of night? Go to sleep! I cursed each and everything and everyone around me.

I smiled to myself. I was crazy back then… I was crazy about him.

It was a few days before our marriage; we had visited the orphanage he had been brought up. Both of us as well as my parents were there. The way he took the kids in his hand, the way he cuddled them, it made me feel overwhelmed. I don’t know whether he could be a good husband or not but from the way he took care of those kids I immediately knew that he would make a good parent. He also had sponsored a few of them, he was a good man by heart and I was lucky enough to have him… but not lucky enough to keep him. I thought looking at the woman sleeping with him.

 The happiness in the eyes of those children, the love when they kissed were all genuine… there was no lies they thanked God from the bottom of their heart and I broke in to tears when they had prayed for us at the convent chapel. What did they know about love? What did they know about marriage? And yet when they prayed before the crucifix, repeating the words recited by one of the nun, they had their eyes closed… their hand held together; I knew their prayers will be heard more than mine. I kneeled, closed my eyes and bowed my head, I knew God would bless me right now… I knew he would touch me right now with his pierced hands and I would be blessed with a happy life. Tears rolled down my cheek… it was the first time I had cried of happiness, the blessing was immense, the blessing that had flowed through these children.

‘Dad…’ I said outside the chapel ‘I want to ask you something… can I?’

‘Tell me!’

I hesitated for a while then said ‘Can we arrange my marriage in here? In this chapel… with these kids?’ all of them turned to look at me.

‘Are you crazy?! We have quite a lot of guests and there won’t be enough space.’

‘That’s what I tried to say… why don’t we cut short it? Only close relatives…’ I said ‘and these kids.’

‘What?!’

‘Please dad… I’ve never asked you anything before… everything in my life was your choice… including him. I didn’t even like him in the first place, but then I had agreed because it was your choice. And I want this. Please’ I pleaded

‘But… what are you talking about? This is our dream… your marriage, you don’t know how grant we want it to be.’

‘Do you want it grant or do you want it to be the most blessed ceremony?’ I argued, he didn’t speak ‘I assure you dad, the blessing that’s going to be showered up on me in the presence of these innocent hearts will be so intense than those worldly blesses… please!’

‘Maybe we could conduct a grant reception later for family and relatives.’ He interrupted

‘Please… It’s my marriage, it is my day…’ I said ‘wouldn’t I want it to be special? Glorious and grant? This is the way I want it to be dad… special and grant. Look at them, God parents them, provide them. He has not given them the luxury they had deserved but still they pray with hope. They smile without complaint. They love without hesitation… They are growing up believing that God himself is their father and Mary their mother. I want my marriage in paradise… I want it in here. This is his home… his siblings… and wouldn’t this be the first thing I want to do for him?’ I said almost in tears. My dad had understood what I had wanted and my wishes were granted. He was beside me passionately smiling.

After everything was talked and arranged with the authorities, we were about to leave. My parents were bidding farewell to the superior sister when he came up to me and said, the first thing he had ever spoken after the promise he made that day at home. I don’t know why but even his presence gave me difficulty in breathing. 

‘Not your choice huh? You didn’t even like me?’

‘That was back then… things have changed now.’ I said looking at a distance. He chuckled and I looked at him… Damn man! I hate it when he smiles this way… when I see him smiling like this I’m having a sudden urge to pull him down and kiss him.

‘Thank you… I mean, that I truly appreciate the decision you made today.’ He said slightly touching my palm, and it was when my dear loving dad coughed from behind. He immediately withdrew his hand. What was wrong with these people? He was just holding my hand, we were not kissing or making out… after all he is my would-be. I frowned at my dad, and to my surprise no one had noticed me.

I woke up to the present before slipping back to that day… the day I became his!

 I stepped out from the car… through the veil, everything seemed so beautiful, from the dews glistening in the rays of the morning sun to the damp mosses embracing the bark. The tweeting of birds chorused with low music from the chapel. I stood before the chapel and every detail was clear to me. The massive tree beside it, it bore no leaves, it seemed to be naked under the blanket weaved from thousands of violet flowers. The sun shined behind it, as if it was shy, it glanced at me through the flowers. I could feel the chillness of the wind embracing me, the kiss of the sun on my shoulders and my face. Through the veil the warmth of its rays brushed my eyelids. ‘Do I look beautiful?!’ I had wanted to ask to the sun, to the stars, to the mountain flowers and the birds. ‘Do I look desirable?’ I had wanted to ask the wind and the damp air blanketing me.

‘Careful now…’ I said to the wind embracing me and the rays of sun kissing me ‘I have a lover… more beautiful than you, who would kiss and cuddle me.’ I smiled. I felt like a child lost in her world of fantasy, chattering with the wind and the blooms.

Little girls dressed in white frock were on my either side with flowers thrown on my path. I felt like a princess, and then as I walked in the door I found my prince. Before the altar, before the crucifix waiting to take the oath, waiting to take my hand he stood in dark blue suit. He turned around to look at me and then he smiled putting me in a trance, lost in the ecstasy of my new dreams and new hopes. Each step I took, each breath I took seem to be long enough. His eyes soft on me, his lips curving up into the most spectacular beam. Why should he smile like this? Stop it. Otherwise I will be lost here in this aisle numb, not knowing what to do to reach up to you. I could feel my heart pounding in joy as my senses preached about my new possession. This smirk and these beautiful eyes will be mine. They from now on belong to me. The longing was worth it, the waiting was worth it, all my prayers and dreams and hopes worth it. Beautiful than the dawn it seems, this day, when my heart finally beats with his. When our soul unite in love. And yes my marriage took place in paradise, surrounded by hundreds of little angels and in midst of thousand flowers, to a beautiful prince.

‘…to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.’

As we waved them goodbye and as the car began to move, he whispered something in my ears

‘What?’ I asked turning to him.

‘Now may I kiss my bride?!’ He asked with that same aesthetic smile and how can I resist that?

I smiled and said under my breath ‘Yes!’ then he leaned forward and I closed my eyes. The roar of the car engine died in my ears… my raced heartbeat and his paced breath is all I could hear. I quivered feeling the wetness of his lips… my first kiss… our first kiss! I looked out through the window the journey had begun… the journey in which every ‘I’ will be replaced by ‘Us’… in which every ‘mine’ will be replaced by ‘ours’… and if at all there is ‘I’ and ‘you’, there will be ‘love’ always in between.

As I woke up to the present tears rolled down my cheek. Those days were beautiful! Filled with love and joy… I don’t know why his parents had left him. Whatever the reason was I bet it was not worth it. They might have been the most unlucky couple coz they let go of such a good son. He was the best I’ve seen, I could see that when he spoke to my parents. The days forward were beautiful… every single minute with him was a whole new adventure…

He didn’t plant kisses on my forehead and said goodnight before going to sleep. He never lied to me that I’m beautiful. He never took me in his hands every day and said I love you. In short he was just opposite to the Edward you want from the twilight saga. All those expectations, dreams and hopes... they were still dreams and hopes.

Lawrence uncle and his wife were right, as the days passed by as the nights passed by he didn’t need to kiss me to let me know that he cared for me. He didn’t need to say I love you for me to know that he was in love with me… all I had wanted was a glance and his eyes spoke to me. Our souls had found their language and our heart sang out in joy. Sometimes you don’t need a swing of a magic wand; at times you don’t need a spell to make things right all you need is a smile and a tinge of love.  

Our life was so perfect… and where had we gone wrong? Where had I gone wrong?

‘No.’ he said listening to the doctor as she conveyed my biopsy result. I sat there numb, not knowing what to do… God had gifted us three beautiful years of love and joy and at last as we had thought of having kids… everything went wrong. Like a bee in a honeycomb had I gathered my dreams and now everything is falling apart… I looked at him he was in pain more than I was.

On the way back we went to the church nearby. As I walked down the aisle with him my mind went back to the time… three years back, to the day we got married. That day we both walked out with a smile and now we came back with tear filled eyes, to the same savior who had blessed us that day, under the same crucifix. I sat down on a bench and he kneeled beside me. I kept starring at the ground, numb and void. I no longer knew what to pray, what should I ask for? I don’t know… God had given me good parents, loving relatives, caring husband and lots of happiness… And now… he is claiming them back and how can I deny? I looked at my guy beside me he was shaking weeping… should I touch him? Should I tell him that it’s going to be okay? Should I ask him not to cry? I didn’t know what to do… If it was him what would I have done? Its better this way to die before your loved ones.

That night he laid his head on my lap and I could feel his tears wetting my skirt. I did not say a word. I was conversing with God, thanking him that it was me whom he was going to take and not my spouse. He clutched on to my skirt and I could feel him shudder. I looked at him and he was beautiful as he always had been, innocent as an infant in his mother’s arm. I ran my fingers through his hair, silky jet black hair.

‘I don’t want to lose you…’ he said

‘Huh?’

‘I don’t want to be alone… don’t leave me’ he said. He took my face and kissed me gently ‘I’ve been alone… I didn’t have a family and when I found you it was like winning the world. I don’t want to lose you.’ He said the look in his eyes so tender. ‘Promise me you won’t leave… promise me you’ll stay… I’ll do anything for you’

I didn’t open my mouth, I kept looking at him. His eyes were misted with tears and deep in them I saw passion, love, dreams, hopes and silent prayers. They were pleading me to stay, pleading me to make a choice I don’t have. It’s been told that I don’t have much days and he’s asking me to stay forever. I kissed him on his forehead and said ‘I love you.’

‘I won’t let you go’ he said as if he could fight death for me… as if a miracle could happen… as if a fairy godmother or a kiss could raise me from death. I smiled ‘don’t lose faith yet’ he continued ‘We can make it… I know we will. Medicine is so advanced and we’ll fight … I’ll take you anywhere. Don’t worry! We’ll be together… forever.’ He said holding me closer to him. And how can I convince him that forever is only till death. We slept in each other’s arm that night… because tomorrow… we will soon run out of tomorrows.

As days passed by, the ringing of church bells at my funeral became clearer… the smell of the soil freshly dug became more prominent… the wooden walls of my coffin… the sweetness of flowers and the bitterness of tears. And the only thing that kept me breathing, were his poignant fingers caressing me… the warmth of his breath, a sweet torture… and his love. He kissed me on my bald head, held my weak arms. I looked at my fingers they were weak and the golden band on it still shone, radiance of beauty and grace, promise of love and dreams. ‘I love you’ he whispered in my ears.

I can fight my pain for you my love but I cannot fight death… the journey that promises to take me to a new kingdom… a journey I wish to make alone… to a land from where I can’t write to you… to a land from where I could only pray for you… and let the redeemer shower upon you blessing and grace that will put a smile on your face, a bliss that will never sway.

Pain… pain… yes it is pain that conquers me now. It is that what I fight day and night. And at times of pain I was like a princess in wait for her prince… like a bride in wait for her groom dressed and crowned accompanied by beautiful maids... waiting for his chariot. Where is he? When will he come? It is just that the groom is death and the bride is my soul, wanting to be freed from this pain, to be freed from this weak, fragile body. And yes at times of pain you are indeed like a bride waiting for the arrival of her groom dressed and crowned. Will he abandon me now to suffer more? Will he keep me waiting at the altar? I wouldn’t want that to happen. Coz I’m the bride and what will I want more than to be at his side, to be kissed and to be welcomed to his kingdom? But when I see my man beside me weeping holding me tight afraid to let go of me, I wish… I wish with all of my heart to stay a little longer even if I had to swallow the sword of pain.

And it was this same pain that had woke me up that night after the second chemo. I stared in to the dark and I could feel him under the same blanket. Cold was creeping on to my limbs… I felt weak. I should wake him up and ask for my pain killer. I turned to his side only to be struck by the innocence of his face. Under the dim lights of that moon lit night I saw him sleeping peacefully. After that day of my result this must be first night he had actually fallen asleep. Dark rings circled his tired eyes, is he dreaming? Might be… There was peace in his face and calmness in those closed eyelids… I could feel it. I too might be there in his dreams, healthy as I had been… and loving him as I had always did. The pain was greater than before, I should wake him up and ask for medication and they would put me to sleep and I don’t have to feel a thing. But, no I don’t want to take them yet. If I did I will soon fall asleep and will not be able to enjoy this sight of him sleeping so gracefully beside me.

I ran my fingers through his hair, he was beautiful and I’m weak… the thought of losing him, the very thought of not been able to be beside him haunted me. The thought of me dying at once killed me. Why not a few more years? Why wouldn’t God grant me a few more years? I shifted a little to his side and laid my head on his chest. I could feel his right arm hugging me, pulling me closer. His warmth comforted me, I snuggled a little closer and his breath caressed me. I could hear his heart singing to me… a beautiful lullaby… lub dub lub dub… the song which my heart would soon stop singing. The pain was growing but I don’t want to move… I will not move…I want to be with him… I want to feel him and I don’t want anything in this world to stop me from doing that. I don’t want to miss this warmth nor the rhythm of this heartbeat. I could feel the tears rolling down my cheek as I tried to conquer the pain that was already winning. I can hold on… I can hold on a little longer then I would wake him up and ask for my medication… just a few more moment… I want to feel him a little more.

Lub dub lub dub… his heart sang to me trying to soothe my pain with its melancholy.

Lub dub lub dub… our heart had sung together… and now… My heart was losing that rhythm, I could feel it and it was forgetting that beautiful melody. I’m the bride and my groom had arrived. I could feel his hands on me. I can feel his cold breath on my lips, welcoming me. Then it was pit black… and I fell asleep on his chest…

‘…till death do us part…’

I saw my parents breaking down, my sister weeping… and then there he stood beside my coffin, a bed I wouldn’t share with him, surrounded by numerous white roses. Yes… it is good to watch your loved ones sleeping but then it was better to know that they watch you with intense love… but this moment was different. He was watching me with pain, with a distinct coldness in his eyes, something I’ve never seen before. He did not blink, he did not shed a single drop of tear and I could feel the turmoil of his soul. He held my parents close to his chest and I saw him watching my body being carried away, buried beneath the layers of soil and flowers and a few drop of tears that wetted them.  

‘…till death do us part.’

That night I followed him to the room. He locked it behind and sat down on the floor, curling into a ball. And I saw him breaking down, the coldness in his eyes melting away. I went to his side, sat beside him touched him… but he never felt… I was no longer in his world…

‘please let it be a dream… please let it be a dream’ he wished like a child, shutting his eyes ‘please let she be here when I open my eyes… please God please… don’t take her away… please’ he opened his eyes and looked around… no… no I’m not returning unto you, accept it… wake up.

‘Please let it be a dream… please’ he said again shutting his eyes and then again opened and looked around, still there was no me. He clutched his hair and pulled it hard and wept calling out to me… I’ve never seen him like this…I’ve never believed that he had loved me so much…I wish if he had not fallen in love with me… if he had not loved me like his single possession. I’m here… I’m here right next to you, beside you don’t cry… I said, but he couldn’t listen. I had wanted to console him and hold him to my bosom and kiss him. I sat next to him, my soul singing songs from love stories long lost and found.

Even if the beats of my heart had been halted

and the air of my life had been taken away…

my love for you shall never cease

and so my soul sings to thee…

If only these tears could wash away my sins and had given me another chance… If only this ill fate could rewind itself and let me dream again. Days passed nights passed and he did the same, trying to jolt himself up from a nightmare as I watched in vain. People forgetting you is one thing, but your loved ones trying so hard to forget you is another. I’ve seen both and I feel like the latter is worst to watch!

Time heals… pain will be forgotten… dreams will realize… and it happened with him too.

‘…till death… do us part.’

I stood up from the floor and walked to their bed… She was a loving woman and she loves him… hmm… more that I do! It’s been fifteen years… and it took ten for him to accept that love can happen twice. Eighteen years back on this day we had taken that oath… I looked at him, and still he was beautiful though a little nerdy. He slept like a child… I brushed his hair with my fingers… I wish if I had another chance, is he dreaming? I wonder… Let me no longer be there in his dream! I kissed him on his broad forehead and wished if he could feel me just this once. He suddenly opened his eyes… can he feel? Can he listen to me? A Sole drop of tear was glistening at the corner of his eyes… transfixed on mine…He still had that beautiful glint in them, the one that made me fall in love… the one that had mesmerized me and had put me to trance… can you hear me? I leaned forward to him, with quivering lips… hoping for a beautiful kiss. He looked to his left, at the girl next to him… he held her a little more closer and I moved away watching her snuggle along. He held her tight and I could see fear in his eyes… a fear of losing her, as he had lost me. Don’t worry my love I will not let you lose anyone again… I will never let you lose anyone again… I will guard you and your possession as your guardian angel and promise not to let your eyes tear up again. Planting a kiss on her forehead he whispered ‘I love you’. I smiled as I turned around and walked out the door…

…to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. And after that… I will guard your smile and will never let you lose it… I will guard your every possession and will never let your eyes ever to tear up again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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