Why don’t I just disappear?
Why can’t I just get away from here?
Leave and never look back again,
I am so damn lonely here without a friend,
Without somebody to love,
Somebody to hold when times are tough.
Nobody to talk to,
Nobody to whisper, “I love you.”
I used to have you by my side,
When times were happy-before you lied.
I never asked you for a commitment-only your love-
Then you said those three little words that mean so much…
Followed by the question that terrified the hell out of me.
Leave me with fear that you couldn’t see.
Like an idiot I said yes-
Because I thought you were different than the rest.
I didn’t want to get married again,
I was so glad when the first one was over-the end.
But I told myself this time would be better,
That our love was strong and could survive any weather.
After all the first marriage was never based on love,
From day one and way before it was just way too tough.
I told myself that our love could conquer all,
But even the strongest love couldn’t survive that last call.
You remember the call, don’t you?
When the bitch called to tell me that me and you were through.
That she was your fiancé
And just what in the hell was I supposed to say?
“Is he there?” I screamed at the phone in my hand-
I wasn’t going to take this lying down-I would take a stand.
I have never hated anybody except my rapist-as much as I hated her at that moment in time,
Shaking, fighting the tears and hoping that she’d burst into flames from the anger on the line.
When you got on the phone you said,
(Replaying over and over in my head)
“Yes it’s true.
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
She yelled, “Hang up the fucking phone.”
And the phone went dead-leaving me dying inside-all alone.
I don’t understand-I never asked you to propose to me-
I told you I didn’t want to get married again-just wanted to be…
Us-together for awhile,
Always leaving each other with a laugh and a smile.
But you had to destroy me-
Leaving me here alone and empty.
I know I will never understand why,
All I know is I can’t trust anymore and it was then that I died inside.
Here I am three years later-still miserable and most days I still cry-
Begging for answers-one simple word-WHY?
Why did you do this to me?
And after all this time-why are you still the one I long to see?
My heart stopped working that day-
If somebody gets too close-I quickly shove them away.
I guess it was just all of the lies, abuse and pain combined together-
Constantly reminding me to trust again never.
I don’t believe I can ever move on from here-
This is my destiny of loneliness and fear.
You described our wedding down to the smallest detail…
The dress that Stephi (my daughter) would design right down to the veil.
The candles, the church and our purple roses-everywhere…
Even the guests that would be there.
The music that we would play-
On that beautiful day.
Fantasy Girl and God Bless The Broken Road-the first two,
The vows that I wrote for you-
And you for me-
Just one of the interests we shared-poetry.
I miss you so much more than you’ll ever know…
Why can’t I just let you go?
I don’t know if you two ever got married (I hope she rots in hell)
I know that sounds mean but there is so much more to this tale-
The horrible emails and messages that she left until I went away-
Saying that I willingly fucked my step-dad and probably my mom too,
Bitch, you better be glad I couldn’t get to you.
So today it all came crashing back around me-
As I cry and take out my anger on the ones I love most-especially Stephi…
You see she has met a guy with your name,
Which is so weird-because there aren’t many with the same-
Name as you-
But what can I do?
Because they really like each other so far-
I am trying to not judge him because of his name, but it is so hard.
What has happened to me?
I didn’t used to be so cold-hearted and judgmental-I believed in love and destiny-
I had hopes of a brighter future even after the years of abuse-I still believed in me, love and life…
Now I just wish I was complete again-even though I didn’t want to get married –I so wanted to be your wife.
I know to most this won’t make any sense-confusing too…
But confusing completely explains me losing you.
© 2007 Jennifer
© Copyright 2017 jenwritingisinmysoul38. All rights reserved.
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