Depression and abuse

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic
This one is about the depression of losing someone, but also the pain that comes from being abused for years and years and the self-hatred that I feel sometimes.

Submitted: April 24, 2007

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Submitted: April 24, 2007



Depression-You never know when it will appear...

Sometimes it just pops up from out of nowhere.

I just start feeling lonely and blue,

And no matter what I just can't seem to shake it...

I just don't know what to do.


I feel so helpless and alone,

I have for a long time; now that you're gone.

I look around-

and see people everywhere living their lives...

And yet I sit here-unable to make a sound.


I can't move on-

I can't trust-I try to be strong.

I just sit and cry so many tears...

Holding onto self-doubt-

and old fears.


When someone new tries to talk to me,

I withdraw into the safety-

of my shell...

Hidden-shaking inside-

hoping that nobody can see-noone can tell.


That I am terrified-

Too afraid to live-been there-already tried,

But when the best isn't good enough-

What do you do then?

How do you forget that true love?


So here I sit-depressed again-

Trying to come back from where I've been-

trapped for so long.

Hating myself for losing you;

foolishly holding on to a love that is gone.


Mindless, pointless wishes-

of what used to be-long, passionate kisses,

tender hugs, loving every moment together,

So many memories...

That will have to last forever.


I know that I will never stop loving you,

but I'm so tired of the pain that I'm going through.

Please someone tell me what to do...

How can I let go and get past this chapter of my life-

How can I get over this depressionfrom losing you?


Why can't I believe in myself anymore?

Why can't I simply walk out and close that door-

Lock up my memories in my heart-

Just throw away the key-

and somehow stop falling apart.


Why do I feel like I don't deserve to be loved?

Like nothing I do is ever good enough.

Why do I feel useless-

I know it started long ago, not just with you...

These feelings-unloved, ugly and helpless.


It all started with the years of abuse-

That left me beaten, battered and bruised.

It left me with a heart full of bitterness, sadness and so much pain,

that I have never moved past-

I watched so many years just wash down the drain...


You can't change the past no matter how painful it may be...

But I just wish I could believe in me.

I wish the sadness would just go away...

And that somehow I would magically awaken to a bright, new day.


That I could trust again-

Spend some time with old and new friends...

But I can't seem to get past so much betrayal...

Starting with him (my rapist), many men in between and ending with you.

Why pick myself up-only to once again fail?


I guess I just feel like it's a lost cause sometimes,

So many rapists get away with their crimes-

because of the fear that we victims feel-

Too afraid to stop it...

We just take it and learn to deal...


With the pain, the lonliness-

depression, rivers of tears, sadness.

We keep it all bottled up inside-

Never trusting in ourselves or others-

Even the ones who never lied.


Left alone-

Now that I look back that's probably why you're gone.

I never thought I deserved you...

I never believed in me-

What a shame to lose out on the one thing that was true.


I lost you and I know it's too late...

I ruined it with my own self-hate.

I can never go back and change that I know...

so what do I do now-

Where do I go?...


From here-how do I?

get past this sadness and stop the tears I cry?

How do I get past the horrible depression that engulfs every fiber of my being...

Why should I go on?

Then I remember five reasons.


The five reasons that I get up every morning and face the day...

That with one smile, hug and kiss can make me believe that it will all be okay.

My reasons to live-

I just wish I was completely well-

mind and spirit-

That I had more to give.


I feel inadequate as a woman and a mother...

Good enough to be a friend, but never a lover.

The one thing that gets me through that I do only for me-

so much is done for everybody else-

is my writing-it sets me free.


I couldn't sleep tonight...

I had to get up and just write.

I feel better, not great,

but better...

Not feeling as much self-hate.


Now I can go to bed and rest...

Not quite as depressed.

Feeling calm enough to sleep for awhile-maybe...

Until the next time I am feeling this way-

Then with pen in hand I'll once again try to write those feelings away.

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