I used to ponder if death was a way out for me-
An escape-a way to be free.
Free from the pain of the past-
Free from this mundane exsistance that was passing so fast.
I watched the world through revenge filled eyes-
And I stood there completely paralized.
Seeing only the pain as life passed me by.
I didn't heal, I didn't love or LIVE-I didn't try.
I wallowed in my horrifying pain and self-pity,
I withdrew into my shell completely-
And I am so ashamed to say-
I prayed for death almost everyday.
I knew I would leave my babies behind and alone-
But I rationalized that maybe they'd have a better life with me gone.
I cried at the thought-
Yet still I was distraught.
Torn between the love for them and the loss of me-
I had slipped through the cracks and out of reality.
I continued to die inside-
Looking for shelter, a place to hide-
It took a serious illness, a brush with death-
That now made me cling to that breath.
No longer wanting to die-
Now wanting to live, wanting to try.
Is it now too late?
Can I learn to love myself-let go of all of the hate?
Can I live my life the way I should have been doing for years?-
Can I learn to smile and let go of the tears?
Is it too late?
What a cruel twist of fate-
Can I ever repair the bonds that were broken?
Or do I travel on with words unspoken?-
Life is short now I know-
I want to LIVE, leave the past behind and let go...
Of the anger, tears and hate-
I just hope and pray that now It's Not Too Late!
© Copyright 2017 jenwritingisinmysoul38. All rights reserved.
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