To much pain to overcome-
I remain here-alone and numb.
Sometimes I no longer care if I live-
I simply have nothing left to give.
I don't have anymore feelings to share...
No more reasons left to care.
I go throughthe motions of the day,
I cook, clean,send the kids to school, homework, baths and bed again-
I spend time writing, crying and sometimes I pray.
I pray that God will help me let go,
But I miss him more than anybody will ever know.
I try to tell myself it will get better in time,
But deep in my heart-
I know there is not someone that is meant to be mine.
There is not one person out there searching for me-
Nobody that longs to see-
My smile, my eyes, my face...
I'm just here-
Forever alone in this place.
We all have a purpose-a reason to be...
Looking into my soul-I constantly search for me.
I try to believe that I was put here for a reason-
That my time is near-
Everything happens in its own time, its own season.
When will it be my time to shine?
When will it be my time?
My time to love like ther's no tomorrow-
To be with someone that respects me and needs me-
A time of complete happiness-no more sorrow.
I realize it's way too late
I already had that love-
I remember now-how amazing and perfect it was...
Yet still it was never enough.
Nothing left to feel-
The love of life forever gone-no more thrill,
No more dreams, no more hopes, no more faith-
No more words-all gone-nothing left-
Not even a trace
Nothing left to hold onto,
No more dreams of me and you-
Lonliness engulfs my life, my heart and my soul-
Nothing left of my world-
I just want to let go.
Sitting here lost in dispair-completely alone-
With a house full of kids and animals too...
Or to look forward to.
Each day is a repeat of the one before-
Wish I knew what it was all for.
Why go on with this charade?
Why not just let go and end it all-
Why live-why try...
Can't someone please tell me why...
Nothing to laugh about-no reason to smile-
Crying a thousand rivers-
Of tears that flow on for miles and miles.
It is not just you-
It's everything I've ever been through.
Your deception was just the icing on the cake...
A love that I thought was pure and real-
Was only an imagination-all a fake.
Yet each day I continue to breath, to live-
I try; but I just can't seem to forgive.
I can't hold on much longer-I know...
And this time-
It means something else when I say I want to let go.
I don't want to let go of you-
I don't want to be here anymore-game over-I'm through.
I don't want to wake up anymore-
I know my kids need me-
But they don't need me quite as much as they did before.
They will have their dad to be there for them-you see.
Why do they need me?
Three of them are grown now anyway,
The other two will have so many people to love them-
So why should I stay?
Death seems to be the only way for me to break free,
I still feel the pain that has for so long been inside of me...
For 28 years I've kept it all hidden inside-
I hid behind a smile and a laugh-
But for some reason I can no longer hide.
No child should have to go through what I did-
Alone then too-all my feelings hid-
No one to turn to,
Nobody to trust-
Nobody to run to-to tell what I was going through.
I can't even seem to remember the first 10 years of my life anymore-
Those precious years before-
Although I'm sure there were some happy times back then-
The abuse that I somehow thought I deserved and asked for-
At the age of ten I felt like worthless trash-just not me anymore.
Now there is too much pain inside my brain,
Maybe this time I have finally went insane.
A nervous breakdown-is that what I feel?
Can I break free?
Or is this pain just too intense-too real.
Nobody to care-
Nobody was ever there.
You would think I'd be used to it at this point in my life-
This feeling of complete, utter lonliness...
The emotions that pierce my heart like a knife.
So many times-I tried to believe in myself-you see,
Tried to let go and set myself free.
But with each passing day-
Those horrible feelings are here to stay.
I try to tell myself that death is not the answer for me-
But it is just so hard to be-
Optimistic and believe-
In myself and this life-
When so many times I have been decieved.
I guess I should go to bed now and get ready to face the new day-
And continue to pretend everything is okay.
Put a smile on my face-
Keep on pretending-
That I go back in time and the pain is forever erased.
Too tired to even die-
Too tired to ask why-
Too tired to live-
Too tired to try-
Too tired to give.
© Copyright 2016 jenwritingisinmysoul38. All rights reserved.
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