Her smile/Letting my heart talk

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
This story is about the first experience of love of a person.

Submitted: October 30, 2018

A A A | A A A

Submitted: October 30, 2018



I am currently in a coffee shop at the airport of Edinburgh. Yazhini should have taken her flight by now. I could have gone home. However, I want to stay to type my story. Indeed, I believe that writing can help me recover after what happened.


Even though I am in Edinburgh now, I first met Yazhini in France, more precisely in my home town called Le Bourget. Three years ago, I was in my last year of engineering in the ENSEA. I was serious and focused on my studies. Furthermore, I wanted to do my utmost to brush up on my engineering skills as I was close to graduate. I was about to get a job and be able to support my family. Everything was going smoothly in my life.


One Saturday, I was studying hard for my exams. I told my mother that I needed to go out. I was working for hours and hours in my room. It was high time for me to take a break. I decided to go to the park of La Courneuve. I walked to the bus station: “Ecole Normale”. It was a sunny day. It was also very hot. After waiting for five minutes, the bus 143 came. There were not many people in the large vehicle, so I was able to have a seat next to a window. I like to take the bus. Indeed, especially when it is not crowded, I am able to have some clarity in my mind. Anyway, I was drowned in my thoughts while I was looking at the cars which were overtaking the bus. Roads were congested. As a consequence, the drivers were all in a bad mood. They were blowing the horn and insulting each other. Even though I do not like driving, I believe that patience is very important.


We were waiting for the traffic light to turn to green. That is the first time I saw Yazhini. She was driving a car. I was just at the correct position in the bus to see her face. She was looking at the vehicles in front of her through her close-set eyes. Her heart-shaped lips were slightly stretched on the corners, she was smiling. Even in that traffic jam, I was surprised that somebody could be happy. Her radiant face was making me joyful too. I forgot about the people in the bus, the traffic congestion, everything. A background melody started to play in my head. The BGM was a combination of stringed and wind instruments. I did not know how but my mood completely changed from bored and tired to ecstatic and energetic. I am a kind of person who hardly smiles, even when I am forced to. However, that day, unconsciously, the corners of my mouth turned up and my front teeth came out.


After a few memorable seconds, the traffic light turned to green. She overtook the bus and disappeared. She was gone but I still had goosebumps. She left an incredible sensation on me. I was like a person who sees a sunset for the very first time. When I reached the park, I started to walk in the middle of alleys lined with trees. Some children were playing soccer with their parents. Other families were having picnic. It was nice to see people enjoying themselves in that natural environment. Nowadays, less and less parents are spending time with their children like this. Anyway, my mind was filled with the image of Yazhini. I was thinking about her and smiling without any reason. People must have thought that I was crazy. That day, I learnt something really important. We can only make other people happy if we are ourselves cheerful.


When I went back home, I could not focus on my work. I was unable to get Yazhini out of my thoughts. I managed to study as far as I could even though my mind was disturbed by Yazhini’s aura. I was eager to see her again. After days then months, I did not meet her.


I decided to concentrate on my studies so that I would not think about her. I passed all the exams and did my final year internship. I finally finished my studies. My parents decided that we could go to Sri Lanka to celebrate my graduation and attend my cousin’s puberty ceremony. It had been almost five years that we did not go there. All the family on my mother’s side live there so I was really eager to see them again. We booked the tickets and we were all set to go there. We took a direct flight but it still took twelve hours to get to the Colombo international airport.


When we landed, I was really tired. My legs were hurting me each time I was trying to make a step. My ears were in pain. I could hardly understand what other people were saying. As soon as we came out of the airport, the heat started to burn our bodies. It was really hot. My grandfather was waiting for us. I could see that he was not in good shape. He lost weight. The wrinkles and rings on his face showed that he was tired. We headed to our house in Anaicoddai. The roads were smooth for driving. When we had come five years ago, I remember how bad the roads had been. Because of the rocks and potholes on the roads, we were all jumping inside the car. Tourism is really important for this country therefore modernizing roads is compulsory.


Once we reached our destination, I saw somebody waiting at the entrance of the house. It was my grandmother. She was also weak. She could not walk for long distances because she needed a knee replacement. However, the surgeries on that part of the body are not all successful that is why she chose not to have one. Furthermore, she was not eating properly. As we only came a few times to Sri Lanka for summer holidays, I never really knew what kind of person she was. It was high time for me to know more about her. Indeed, she was most of the time on her bed, sleeping or deeply thinking about something. I decided to talk more with her. Even though my grandmother and grandfather looked mature, they were still like children. Sometimes they would fight for silly reasons. For example, a conflict would start if my grandfather did not choose correct vegetables from the market. Indeed, my grandmother was really picky on that, she wanted each vegetable to be chosen according to criteria. For example, she would complain that to select the okras, the edge of the vegetables should be able to break easily. My grandfather would answer that he could not just break the vegetable in front of the merchants. Anyway, I learnt a lot from them because their small fights were in fact an expression of the love towards each other.


While we were there, I wanted to make everybody happy. I really liked to engage in conversations with people. The latter considered me as an adult so they were talking to me as if I was equal to them, I really liked that feeling. When we came five years ago, I was not able to enter the discussions of adults. I suppose that with time, I became more mature and people respected me because I graduated.


We started to do the preparation for the puberty ceremony. My cousin, Malini, really changed. I still remember when she was younger, she used to be naughty and made everybody laugh. She turned into a woman, a calm and bold lady. We decided to do the ceremony in my grandfather’s house. I tried to help as far as I could. We had to put the decorations and the chairs.


One day, a woman came to help us with the preparations. She knew my father and talked to him. I could see that she did not like me with the way she stared at me. I did not know the reason but she despised me. We started to put big green floor coverings outside the house. Putting those kind of carpets in that vast area seemed to be a difficult task. We had to choose the correct sizes and be able to fill the whole area with the given material. Suddenly, she asked me to come and hold one mat with her. I did not understand how she wanted to put the piece of coarse material. Then, she dropped the large rug and told my father: “You should let your son do some housework, he does not even know how to put a mat. He will remain big if he does not do any housework. It is not because he has graduated in a foreign country that he is superior to people here. I do not know what they learn in those foreign countries.” I angrily looked at her and replied: “You want to tell something about me, then talk to me face to face. It is true maybe I do not know a lot of works like these. I respect people who study here and who are able to get a job here. I have a great opinion of people doing their work wholeheartedly, and this including all the existing jobs. I do not know why you despise people like me. We also have to work hard to get a job. Living in a foreign country does not mean that we live without suffering. Like here, people live a life full of work and stress. Do you know that a lot of people who fled Sri Lanka to France are doing cleaning works? I am aware of their hardships. I am lucky that I was able to get a good education. Never underestimate people like me, I am ready to learn. I am strong because I have seen my parents’ pain to give me a good life. About my weight, it is none of your business. I am maybe fat but who told you that big people cannot do any housework? Now, leave that mat and come tomorrow to see the result.” She mumbled words and left. I was quite impressed with myself. Anger helped me to do an incredible speech in my mother tongue. After thinking for a few minutes, I found a way to cover the wide area and started to apply my reasoning. After a few hours, I finished. When the woman came back the next day, she saw the results, told some criticisms and then went to do another work. I did not mind and carried on to help with the preparations.


The puberty ceremony of my cousin went well. My mother wanted to go with the whole family to the Nallur Kandaswamy temple. We found a time when everybody was available and headed towards the temple. It was a festival day called the “Ther Thiruvila” so there was a lot of people, amongst which many tourists. We were following the crowd. At one point, we wanted to take a break and we stopped in a place where there was less sunshine. The people were continuing to walk behind the silver throne called the “Simmasanam”. Some devotees were shouting ‘Aro hara’ while praying the god. The way they worshipped the gods was really inspirational. At the same time, I felt bad to see that some people only came to the temple to take photos.


I was looking at the people in the gathering, that is when I saw Yazhini again. At first, I saw a face that stood out from the crowd, I was dubious whether it was her or not. After focusing my vision on her, I was sure. Yazhini was so different from the first day I saw her. She was wearing a red full sari. The latter was simple but she looked stunning in it. She wore her long hair in a unique plait. A black bindi in the middle of her forehead showed her like a completely different person. She walked in a very elegant way, making small springy steps. She was praying the god with her hands together. However, her eyes were open and she was smiling. This time, her face expression and her outfit made me feel respect and devotion. I wanted to follow her but I needed to stay with my family. I tried to convince my family to go back in the crowd but it was too late, I lost track of Yazhini. She was gone, gone again. Unfortunately, after that day, I did not see Yazhini in Sri Lanka. We returned back to France. After seeing her for the second time, I learnt something new. Even though respect mostly comes from our behaviour, our appearance also plays an important role. Therefore, we should try our utmost to look good.


When we came back from the trip to Sri Lanka, I started to look for a job. After a lot of interviews and phone calls, I got appointed as a project manager in a company called STMicroelectronics. The job really interested me but the only requirement was that I had to move to Edinburgh. Even though I did not have a lot of experience as a manager before, they liked my personality and were impressed by my previous projects. I moved to Edinburgh and worked hard. The job of a project manager can be really stressful. It involves a lot of responsibilities. Sometimes I would think about Yazhini, it would make me delighted for some time. I was quite sure that I would never ever meet her again.


One day, my colleague told me that there was a new member in our team. We had a meeting to talk about our new project. We were all on time for the gathering, however the new member was missing. That is the day when I saw Yazhini again. She entered the room and apologised for being late. Her face was as resplendent as the first time I saw her. The way she excused was really cute. She wrinkled her nose and uttered the word sorry with a shrill voice. Her black A-line skirt and her white long sleeve shirt made her look really professional. I told her not to be late again and asked her to sit down. I tried to remain professional but I could not help looking at her. After all, what were the odds to meet her again after all that time? It could not be a coincidence, I met her in three different locations and at three different times of my life. At the end of the meeting, she came to see me. She apologized again for being late. For a few seconds, I could not answer her. My eyes were widely opened and my voice stuck in the middle of my throat. After regaining my consciousness, I told her that it was not a problem. We started to walk together. I asked questions about her past. She was answering but suddenly she stopped. A handicapped person in a wheel chair was going on the opposite side of us. She carefully observed the disabled individual. Her eyes became slightly wet. Then, suddenly she looked back at my face and smiled. I was deeply moved and realized something. We always complain about our lives without thinking about people who face a lot more hardships than us. We should be grateful for what we have in our lives, every person in this earth does not have the chance we have.


After that day, we met several times during our working hours. We did not talk a lot. Just seeing her was enough for me, I would be revitalized and ready to deal with any problem. The world appeared to me in a different angle thanks to her. Her pure heart and her warm personality were appreciated in all the company. Like a virus, her smile was spreading in all the company. We slowly started to become friends. We met at colleagues birthdays and weddings.


Even though I was her manager, she liked to talk about non professional matters at work. I warned her to be focused but I suppose it was her only weakness. She would tell me about her life and her worries. She was really talkative. We could discuss on various topics for long hours. The subjects of our conversations ranged from her neighbours to food. We would start to chat about company’s workers and finish on social divide. Most of the time, she would be the one talking. I would just listen to her stories and nod. I became her bosom friend. We spent more and more time together. One day, she did not turn up to work. I was so worried, I could not focus on my work and went straight to her house. She was merely sick but seeing her made me feel reassured. I skipped work and spent my all day looking after her. We became as close as bumblebees and flowers. As flowers nurture the bumblebees and bumblebees pollinate the flowers, our relationship gave us mutual satisfaction.


A tragic event happened and turned her smily face into a tearful one. Indeed, one day she called me. Her voice was brittle and I could feel that she was crying. She told me that her father died in a car accident. I really felt sorry for her. She repeated that when he was alive, she did not see his importance. As he was gone, she could feel how close he was to her. She added that she would not come for one week as she will go to her mother’s house. I told her that there was no problem and tried to comfort her. That day, I went to her house to make sure that she was doing fine. I helped her with some household chores. Some other co-workers came so she felt better. The next day, she went to her mother’s house. I did not receive any message or calls since she was gone. I was worried but I also realized how I depended on her. It was as if one part of me was gone. I tried to phone her hundreds of time per day but she did not get any of my calls. I was getting mad. I became angrier and sometimes scolded the workers for no reasons. The separation was turned into uncontrollable anger. I could neither eat nor sleep properly. I managed for one week and was eager to see her. The next week, she came back. She did not have that enthusiastic attitude of hers. I tried to convince her that we cannot change the past but that in the present we must do our utmost to be happy. After a few days, she was getting better because of work. I also recovered from the time she was absent. She slowly forgot about her loss even though sometimes I could see that her father’s memories were still haunting her.


I really wanted to tell all my feelings towards her but I could not. Indeed, I was too shy. Each time I would go to reveal my sentiments, my heart beat would race and my voice would become brittle. I would finally talk about something else. I did not know if it was the fear of being rejected or the apprehension that my strong friendship with her would be broken. Anyway, it was not the right time to talk about this as she was still trying to recover from the death of her father.


One day, I heard that Yazhini was going to move to New York for a new project. She was going to stay there for at least two years. I was upset and confused. I tried to look for her in the office. I finally found her in the cafeteria with the other workers who were congratulating her. I tried to keep a happy face but I was crying inside. What else could I do? If you really love a person then you will do your best to help them fulfil their ambitions, won’t you? She already told me that moving to New York was her dream but I never expected that she would go there so quickly. She was indeed happy and there was no signs of regret on her face. At that particular moment, I was in the middle of a storm of interrogations. Did she love me? Are we just friends? Does she really feel nothing towards me? Why did she take such a drastic decision so close to the death of her father? What should I do? I was not able to stay without her for one week. I did not know how I would be able to manage for two years.


For a few days, I could not accept it. I was like a prisoner who is able to get released on bail but after some days of pure freedom has to go back to jail. I was getting close to Yazhini but suddenly my whole happiness was going to disappear because of her decision. I spent hours sobbing. Indeed, it was as if my heart was bleeding from inside and the blood was getting out of my eyes. It may seem to be too much feelings just for a separation. However, I am a kind of person who has a lot of difficulties to deal with these types of situations.


I tried to spend the last days with her in Edinburgh as happily as possible. We would go out almost every day with the other workers or just both of us. We went to a lot of places to which I would rarely or never go such as the filmhouse, the beach, fancy restaurants and so on. I was slowly changing. As an ant which would gather resources for the winter, I was enjoying my last moments of pleasure with Yazhini before our separation. Days went really quickly. We finally reached the day before her departure. She wanted to be alone as she needed to prepare her luggages for the travel. I asked her if she wanted me to drive her to the airport. She replied that it was not necessary and that she was not going alone. Indeed, her sister was also coming along with her. Even though she told me not to come, I decided that I would still go and see her flight taking off. The previous days, I believed that my mind had accepted her departure. In fact, that night, the thought of loosing her was wrenching my heart.


The next day, I prepared myself and went to the airport. I was there three hours before the take-off. I did not want to miss her. I waited in front of her flight company’s check-in. After two hours, she came with her sister. She was surprised but at the same time disappointed of seeing me. She asked me why I came to the airport. I could not keep my feelings longer. I told that she forgot something. She was dubious and asked me what she missed. I told her that she forgot my heart. At first, she did not get it but then her face expression changed. Her stern look was really intimidating. Even though she understood what I meant, she acted as if she did not. I told her that I loved her and that I could not live without her. She laughed and explained that the feeling was not reciprocal. She pointed out that she thought that we were good friends and that she considered me more like a brother. She carried on by saying that as a manager, she still had respect for me but she insisted that she was disappointed. her sibling whereas I saw her like my lover. I was ashamed. I started to understand why she was close to me, why she liked to spend time with me. As I was able to see our time spent together through her angle, I was disgusted with myself. For the people who think that break up can be really distressing, I can tell you that being rejected when you tell your love is even worse. Suddenly, the fire alarm of the airport started to ring. Everybody started to run in all the directions. Yazhini disappeared in the crowd. I started to feel an unbearable pain in my heart. I could not breathe properly. I fell on the floor. People were running on me as if I was a mat. My vision started to get blurred. My whole body was in pain.


I vigorously got up. I was in my bed. The alarm of my phone was ringing. I stopped it and got up from my bed. I was sweating and was relieved to see that I could breathe properly. I did not go to the airport yet. In fact, it was a horribly realistic nightmare. I phoned Yazhini to make sure she was alright. She did not pick up her phone. I decided to go to the airport. I quickly took a shower and headed towards my destination. The roads were really congested and it was raining. I went straight to her airline I thought that she was maybe gone and that it was too late. After a few minutes, I found her.


She was holding the hand of another man. The latter was taller and probably more handsome than me. She was walking alongside him with her head on his shoulder. She had a lover and this time in the real life. I felt a strange sensation in the throat and tried to control my tears which were to the brink of falling on my face. She went in front of me, looked at me and ignored me. It was as if she did not recognize me. I felt ridiculous but more importantly I was really sad. Sthe woman you love in the hands of another man is really hard to accept and to bear.


After a few seconds, somebody tapped me on the shoulders. I turned and was astonished. It was Yazhini but this time different cloths. She was wearing black pants and a white T-shirt. It was driving me crazy. She asked me what I was doing here. I replied that I came to see her one last time. She chuckled and told me that she spent great times with me. She added that she would never forget me and that we would keep in touch. I was still confused and explained what I saw a few seconds ago. She giggled and then called somebody. I was shocked. Indeed, two Yazhinis were in front of me.


I was looking at both of them in bewilderment. She introduced her sister, her twin sister: Shalini. I was slowly understanding what happened. Yazhini told me that Shalini came from Sri Lanka to visit Edinburgh. Five years ago, Yazhini left Sri Lanka to work in France whereas Shalini decided to stay in Sri Lanka. Then, a few months ago, Yazhini got an offer in Edinburgh, that was where we met again. They were going to New York, Yazhini for her job, Shalini to visit the country. Everything was clarified now. The woman that I saw in Sri Lanka was not Yazhini but Shalini. The man that I saw before was Shalini’s boyfriend, Prasanna.


I was free to disclose my love to Yazhini. However, it was not what I did. Prasanna and me just said goodbye to them. The reason why I was reluctant to reveal my feelings was my nightmare. Even if one side of me was sure that she loved me too, the other side told me to hold back. When they passed the boarding, Prasanna looked at me in an amused way. I asked why he was staring at me like this. He told that I had tears on my face. Indeed, unconsciously, I was crying. I explained my incapacity to tell my love. He nodded and then gave me some advices: “Bro, why are you crying? It is not as if you will not see her for all your life. We are in the digital era my friend. You can contact her through skype or any other means. If you really love her, you will be ready ntil you tell her, you will not know what is in her mind. Let your heart talk, if your love is true, I am sure she will accept it.


in this coffee shop, about to end my story. I do not know whether Yazhini loves me or not. Maybe it is just a one side love. Anyway, propose her. I hope that she will accept to marry me. Wish me good luck!

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