Llamas Vs. Alpacas

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Fantasy  |  House: Booksie Classic
An essay written for a college English class.

Submitted: January 15, 2014

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Submitted: January 15, 2014

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The battle between good and evil has divided even the purest of men since the dawning of time, but the goodness of the universe has long since reigned supreme. One of the greatest examples of fate’s power over evil is the day the Dark Ages ended with the Great Llama Glama victory of the Llama—Alpaca war in 1942. The war began December 12, 1921 with the assassination of Adolfo Halpaca, the vicious and unforgiving dictator of the Alpaca homeland, Vicugnacos. He had ruled with an iron hoof for 20 long years, taking llamas from their homeland, men, women, and children, and enslaving them on the Vicugnacos Island. For 20 years the proud llama race was forced to work their lives away for less than basic living accommodations, if they were lucky. The Llama Glama race had very little hope of survival, thus naming this horrific period in time The Dark Ages, which led to Halpaca’s brutal murder and the fall of the Vicugnacos government. In dedication to the brave llamas that lost their lives in the war, I will compare and contrast the adorable and complex llama race to the evil, hairy alpaca race.
The Llama Glama race has always been known for their sweet and gentle nature, often taking part in expensive charity events and having tea parties and barbecuing for the whole neighborhood. Mama llamas would make cupcakes with their blood, spit, and tears every Friday to send with baby llamas to school for the whole class. Daddy llamas would hold doors open and pull chairs out for all the lady llamas to teach their son llamas good manners. The Llama Glama race lived in peace and with good will, and before the Llama—Alpaca war, had never ruffled any feathers. The Alpacas, on the other hand, are an evil and nefarious race who hate everyone and like to leave the telly volume on an odd number. Papa alpacas make their baby alpacas finish their homework as soon as they get home and afterwards make them practice piano for 5 hours even though they totally hate playing piano. They claim to be hardcore pokemon fans but the only pokemon they know is Pikachu. They are competitive with no skill and when you’re winning a game they say you’re cheating and b*tch about Minecraft’s graphics. They hate chocolate and laugh without changing their facial expression. Alpacas are terrible people.
The Llama Glamas have successfully developed a trading system where currency could be used with or without trading, if so was desired by both parties. There is no lower, middle, or higher class and they know nothing of social status. Llamas never stole nor did they fight over goods. They don’t have opposable thumbs. Also, they didn’t need to because llamas are filled with sunshine and rainbows and they all loved each other. But those gosh darn alpacas may as well live in the City of Thieves. The Alpaca citizens had a system of currency, but they were never able to utilize it because before the Llama-Alpaca war, Adolfo Halpaca would take nearly all of it in Alpaca taxes. So the citizens of Vicugnacos run rampant through the city, taking as they please and giving nothing back. Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me.
The glorious llama race that we all know and love came to Earth from some terrible and freezing planet from far, far away that no one cares about (Pluto) riding on a heavy metal robot rainbow unicorn back in the prehistoric ages. Who doesn’t know that? But how did they survive?! They totally came prepared with radioactive corn muffins, which we all know dinosaurs can’t stand. So they made their home on this magical piece of rock called Peru. Or South America or something like that. Somewhere around there. They held up in the trees, protected by their radioactive corn muffins, until Jesus came down from Heaven to kill all the dinosaurs for practicing witchcraft. Then they started their life anew, on their mission to make the world a better place by spreading word of love and recycling and stuff. Yaaay~ But then this evil scientist guy wanted the world to perish in fire and blood, so he decided he would genetically engineer creatures disguised as llamas, except super annoying and stupid, to counteract the Llama Glama’s goodness and vanquish them once and for all. So he created an Easter bunny that poops alpaca-filled Easter eggs, Adolfo Halpaca being the golden egg. And that’s why Easter makes no sense and is the dumbest holiday ever.
These are all the reasons I ask you to please spay and neuter your alpacas. Put them in behavioral training. Hug your alpaca. Don’t get them wet, and whatever you do, don’t feed them after midnight. This planet we know and love will never escape evil, but wherever the darkness can be found, we will always have the light to fight. And by light I mean llamas.


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