Yeller-Nar-Eyed Dog

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Grandpa loved to smoke pot. Grandma hated it. She called Grandpa a, "Yeller-nar-eyed grass smoking dog"! Every body else called Grandpa, "The Blue Goose", or "The Wild Goose".

Submitted: December 10, 2009

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Submitted: December 10, 2009

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The Yeller-Nar-Eyed Dog
"Hey little man, you want to take a ride with your old man"? My 7 year old heart skipped a beat. "yeah daddy, where we going"? I asked anxiously. "Someplace wild and blue son". My heart skipped a beat again because that was the code we used when daddy would sneak me over ( my mama did NOT approve) to visit grandma and the blue goose. Grandma being wild and grandpa being the blue goose. That’s what everybody called grandpa, "The Blue Goose", except Grandma, she always called grandpa everything under the sun except a human being.
I jumped in the front seat of my dad’s 1972 Cadillac, Eldorado convertible . Man I loved that car. It was white with a white rag top and red interior with red pin striping. I loved it when we stopped at red lights or stop signs so everybody in the world could see us in that big beautiful white Cadillac. We were hot stuff! I realized this because all the black men on the street corners told us so. "Riding in style", they would say, or, "What a fine white ride"!, and daddy would reply, "Well thank ya brotha"!, and I would grin proudly from ear to ear.
On the way to some place wild and blue my dad stopped at, "Whitt’s Used Cars", on South Main street. I didn’t mind this detour because old man Whitt always called me "son", and let me eat all the sugar cubes I wanted. ( I usually ate the whole bowl) The other great thing about, "Whitt’s Used Cars", is that in the back room of the old house that served as his office were piles and piles of magazines with naked people. I would sit and look at the naked people with wide eyed wonder until daddy shouted, "Come on little man"!, then it was back in the Caddy and down South Main to the place that was wild and blue, "Grandma’s"!
I loved Grandma! As her first born grandson me and Grandma were as tight as Grandma and her Seagram Seven. When the big white caddy pulled up in Grandma’s drive she yelled out, "Here’s MY little Jimmy"!! I jumped out of the car and ran with all my might into the arms of Grandma. She wrapped her arms around me and squeezed the hell out of me. Then with a slur and a smell, compliments of "Seagram Seven", she said, "I don’t just love you boy, I WORSHIP YOU"!. This is why I loved to go to the place that is wild and blue. When I am here, I am a wild child but never blue.
On this one particular visit to Grandma’s the plan was for me to spend the night, and oh my, what a night it would turn out to be. After daddy left, me and Grandma sat on the cheap vinyl couch to watch Grandma’s stories on T.V.. The Blue Goose sat in his big old green recliner (with a hidden fifth of vodka) that must have been a 1000 years old.
Grandma had her tall pink Tupperware cup (that was clearly showing it’s ware) which contained tomato juice and Grandma’s best friend, Seagram Seven. As Grandma’s afternoon stories progressed so did her manner of drinking. She would lose the pink Tupperware cup and the tomato juice. By the end of her afternoon stories it was just Grandma and her best friend in it’s true form, an almost empty bottle of Seagram Seven. Sitting there with her head bowed and her hand still gripping the bottle, Grandma was almost ready to pass out. At this point I would gently lift grandma’s feet off the floor and turn them to the length of the couch. When I did this she would wake up long enough to adjust her body to a more comfortable position and take the last swig out of the bottle until Seagram Seven was all gone. She held the empty bottle until she started to pass out at which point her arm fell from her breast out over the floor and the empty bottle fell to the floor making a loud empty thump, Grandma was passed out.
As the Blue Goose and I sat watching T.V. we heard a car pull up in the drive. It was three of my uncle’s , Uncle Bobby and his wife MaryAnn, uncle Bud and uncle Frankie. As they pile out of the car uncle Bud yells out, "Nobody knows what the wild goose knows"! It was obvious my three uncle’s were drunk as a skunk. Aunt MaryAnn didn’t drink, she smoked pot, lots of pot. My uncle Bobby called MaryAnn, "THE LUNG". He swore she could turn a small joint into a roach in one long hit, and she really could. She loved pot.
As they all stumbled into the house they were loud and obnoxious. Grandma, thanks to Seagram Seven never stirred. Now that was a good thing for the Blue Goose, Aunt MaryAnn and my uncle’s. You see Grandma HATED pot and aunt MaryAnn and forbid the Blue Goose (or anyone for that matter) to smoke pot, period!
Aunt MaryAnn pulled a dime bag (a $10 bag of pot they bought at the, "Corner Club", which is another story in it‘s own right) from a pocket of her dirty blue jeans and shook it in front of the Blue Goose as if he was a pet goat. The Blue Goose grinned from ear to ear and said, "That’s my girl, she always comes thru for the Blue Goose" and laughed at the same time. Uncle Bud by this time was motioning for everyone to go to the back of the house to smoke the pot in case Grandma woke up. I had to help the Blue Goose out of his chair. (only because his fifth of vodka had kicked in) Uncle Bobby made fun saying, "The old goat can’t even get up"!, laughing as he said it. "Fuck you Bobby! If it weren’t for this old goat you wouldn’t have no pot or Budweiser you asshole"!!. "Yeah Bobby"!, said uncle Bud, " You need to drink some more Budweiser cause Budweiser makes you wiser"! The Blue Goose laughs as they all stumble down the narrow hallway and into uncle Frankie’s bedroom. Uncle Frankie still lived at home. He was the youngest son and the next to the youngest of daddy’s seven siblings.
After an hour or so while watching T.V. I noticed bellows of thick nasty smelling pot smoke creping down the short hallway into the living room where Grandma lay, passed out. The thick pot smoke began rolling over grandma’s body and surrounded her like a blanket. I jumped up and opened the window. Cold air came gushing into the room, Grandma stirred and her eye’s opened. I knew shit was about to hit the fan.
"You yeller-nar-eyed grass smoking dog"!!!!!!!!!!! Grandma screamed out, her eyes wild with rage, "I’m calling the cops"!!!!!!!!!!!!! Grandma sits straight up on the cheap vinyl couch, grabs the phone off the coffee table, dials 0, and screams at the operator for the police. " That nasty yeller-nar-eyed grass smoking dog is smoking that grass in my house again"! Grandma screams into the phone with fury. As grandma is yelling into the phone I ran down the hall and into uncle Frankie’s bedroom. I must have had a look of terror on my face cause uncle Bud with his half closed, bloodshot eyes looks at me and say’s, "Whoa son, calm down, wanna a hit?, or nor what"?. His hand moved in what seemed like slow motion toward me with a joint. "My God Bud, he’s only seven years old"! say’s aunt MaryAnn as she snatches the joint from uncle Bud‘s fingers and takes a long hard hit. "So what"!, said uncle Bud, "I’ve been smoking pot with the Blue Goose since I was five"!, "or nor what"! say’s uncle Bobby and they both laugh hysterically.
"GRANDPA"!!!!, I yelled, "Grandma really is calling the police, I heard her telling them ya’ll are in her house smoking pot". "That damn bitch"! say’s MaryAnn, "I thought she was passed out"? I didn’t bother to tell them it was my fault by opening the window. "Little Jimmy"! Grandpa say’s, "Go in your Grandma’s bed room, look under the mattress and get that fifth of Seagram Seven and give to her"! "What the hell you gonna do now you old goat"?, say’s uncle Bobby. "Open all the windows boy’s, MaryAnn get the Lysol spray and spray the hall"!, say’s Grandpa, "I’ll take care of the rest! We all scattered to put Grandpa’s plan into action. It was on!
I ran into Grandma’s bedroom, found her best friend under the mattress and raced to the living room where Grandma was still sitting on the couch and put the bottle of Seagram Seven right in front of her face. "Open it little Jimmy"! she slurred, which I did immediately. Grandma grabbed the bottle and drank half that fifth in one long swig. She didn’t even flinch.
The next few minutes was a frantic blur. Grandpa was pulling the phone line right out of the wall as Grandma cursed him, MaryAnn was spraying the can of Lysol up and down the hall, my uncle’s were opening all the windows and Grandma took another long swig finishing off the bottle then throwing it at the Blue Goose missing him by a long shot and shattering when it hit the window sill. "Look at that nasty yeller-nar-eyed grass smoking dog pulling the phone line out of the wall", Grandma screamed, "Your to late you old nasty goat, I already called the pig’s and there coming to get your nasty ass"!!!!!
"Go to hell bitch"! Grandpa replies, "If I go to jail and not to work you won’t have no booze and no money, how’d you like that bitch"? I could tell from Grandma’s half closed eye’s that she had not thought of that in her drunken stupor. She laid back down and let the second fifth of Seagram knock her out. I again lifted her feet and placed them on the couch. Her arm fell away from her once again and hung out over the floor where the first empty bottle of her precious Seagram Seven lay on it’s side as proof of it’s power over my poor passed out Grandma. As I stood there looking at her, drool dripped from the side of her mouth onto the dirty old vinyl couch.
Grandpa went into the kitchen, opened the cabinet door under the kitchen sink and grabbed his sprayer he kept filled with bug spray. The old house always seemed to be infested with roaches for some reason. "Crazy old goat! Your gonna spray for roaches and the pigs are on their way!, What you gonna do, spray the pigs"? Bobby say’s as Aunt MaryAnn and my uncle’s all laugh at him. "Go to HELL!!!, all of ya, except you little Jimmy"!, Grandpa say’s as he looks at me. "Thank you Grandpa, I don’t want to go to hell". I said as they laughed at me. "You won’t precious"! Say’s aunt MaryAnn as she leans down and gives me a hug.
Laughing out loud, uncle Bud informs us that the police are pulling into the drive way. "OH SHIT"!!!! say’s Grandpa as he begins spraying bug spray up and down the hallway and back into the living room and all around the front door.
The door bell rings, my uncle’s and aunt MaryAnn scatter to hide like a bunch of wild cats. Grandpa adjust the bug spray canister strap on his shoulder and slowly opens the front door. There, on the door step stood not one, but two police officers. "What can I do you for officers"? Asked Grandpa with a casual smile on his face while holding the spray nozzle pointed up toward the ceiling. The two officers looked at me, then Grandpa, and then at the spray nozzle. "Sir, we had a complaint from the lady of the house that there are people smoking marijuana on the premises of this dwelling"! Grandpa let out a long and surprising laugh. Well you see officers, my wife has a bit of a drinking problem (he points to grandma, passed out on the couch with the empty liquor bottle lying on the floor beside her) when she’s drunk and I spray for these damned roaches she gets confused and thinks it’s pot smoke"!
At that very moment something wild happened that can only happen to the Blue Goose, a big fat roach fell from the ceiling and landed on the floor right between Grandpa and the police officer, dead as a door nail. Grandpa looks at the roach and then at the officers. The officers look at the roach then at Grandma and then back at the Blue Goose. Grandpa smiles real wide and say’s, "See, I told ya so"! Then all at once the officers break out laughing, then grandpa laughed and I started laughing until the officer say’s "You must be the "Yeller-nar-eyed grass smoking, roach spraying dog"? Grandpa roared laughing, "That be me"! he said still laughing. "Sorry to have bothered you officer’s"! "Now that was worth coming out here for"! replied the officer, "Carry on with the roach spraying and have a bug free day"! "I sure will officer"! replied the Blue Goose and gently shut the door as they turned to leave.
Grandpa turned and winked at me, I winked at Grandpa and said, "Daddy’s right about coming here Grandpa, it sure is wild and blue around here"!
 
 
 
 
 


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