The Crappy Interview

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
This a first person account of what goes in our mind while answering stupid questions often asked by the Human resource department of any organization.

Submitted: August 02, 2008

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Submitted: August 02, 2008

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I received a call from a girl, who said that she was the HR Manager of this organization and that she wanted to interview me. I was surprised, as I never sent my resume to this organization. This girl, or lady to be more decent, told me that she got my resume through naukri.com. 
 
I was not in a hurry to change my job. I posted my resume in naukri.com because I like to receive calls from prospective employers asking if I am interested in a change and that if I can come for an interview. It gives me immense pride in responding that currently I am not looking for a change and that I have long term plans with my current organization. I know that this makes the prospective employer even more curious to meet me, as this is exactly what they all look for in any employee. They all want people who have long-term plans for their organization. I always agree to come for an interview provided the person I am meeting is a girl or a lady.
 
She said that she considered my profile to be fit for the vacancy. I am sure that she might have said the same thing to all person that she had called for interview in her life so far.
 
To be very honest, I really hate this concept of interviewing a person in workplace. I think if you really want to know a person, you should meet him or her at a discotheque. If one were really good at dancing, he or she would definitely be good at work. This doesn’t mean that all those who are good at work are good dancers also. I mean I have never seen Nandan Nilenkani or Raman Roy dancing.
 
I knew she wouldn’t buy my idea of meeting me in a discotheque. No HR Manager would like the idea of meeting me in a discotheque until and unless she happens to be my girlfriend.
 
Someone told me that Govinda, the Actor, is a good dancer. Well I can never imagine Govinda sitting in a corner cubicle in one of the swanky business parks, glued to a laptop and building complex spreadsheet financial model for a forthcoming presentation. This proves that my idea of interview in a discotheque is a flop. I wonder whether Govinda even knows what is a spreadsheet. I can imagine him working on computer though these days. When I say working I mean, playing solitaire and stuffs like that on computer, as I don’t think he has anything else to do these days. I don’t see his posters these days on the streets. I don’t even remember when was the last time I ever saw his poster. May be that’s because I don’t even give a damn to the posters in the streets until and unless that happens to be a girl. I wonder what this world would have been without girls. I mean this world would still be beautiful because of the mountains, rivers, greeneries, snowfalls and all, but I think all these things are beautiful only because this world has girls, beautiful girls.
 
I decided to appear for the interview just for the sack of finding out how good looking this lady was.
 
She was okay type. You know what I mean.
 
She made me comfortable and all and asked me to wait for a while in one of the conference rooms. The name of the conference room was “Venu.” I was surprised to see the name of the conference room. I thought Venu might be the pet name of the head of this organization, which wasn’t, as the head of this organization was an American. Probably, Venu might be the name of the India head of this organization, which was also not the case, as I was to discover later that Venu was not the name or Pet name of the India Head of this Organization. 
 
She arrived finally and told me that she wanted to do it fast, the interview, as she has another interview lined up. I was sure, after giving one look at her gloomy face, that, when she said she has another interview lined up, she was not talking about the other interview that she was suppose to conduct, rather it is an interview where she is the prospective candidate. She looked one of those frustrated kinds, one who works in an organization but never misses an opportunity to criticize the work that they are doing and the organization that they were working in.
 
Before the interview started, I actually felt like going out of this room. I didn’t want to join this organization. I mean how can you join an organization if the person taking the first interview has an I-am-frustrated-with-this-organization type face. So I decided to finish the interview as soon as possible.
 
Tell me something about yourself”, she asked.
 
This question kills me every time I face an interview. Why is this always the first question, and why am I never prepared to answer this question. But this time I didn’t feel like giving an answer to this crap. I don’t know what the hell she has been doing with my resume. She called me for an interview after reviewing my resume; she told me that my profile is fit for this job, which means that she already knew atleast something about me. I think she also has this stupid habit of calling boys, or gentlemen to be decent, just for the sake of finding out how handsome they are. And that she maintains a checklist where she grades each gentlemen as average, below average, above average, excellent on parameters such as qualification, overall personality, looks (who knows), dressing sense, communication skills, family background and so on. And who knows that one day, while going through some of the new arrivals at Oxford (not the University, but the bookstore), I would find out that there is this new book titled What not to do and not to wear during Interview or Successful Interview Techniques or How to get the job that you want written by none other than this HR Manager only.
 
I thought I would start with something like, “my name is so and so and that I graduated from so and so and so on.” But she already knew my name. I remember, when she gave me a call yesterday for today’s interview, the first thing that she did was confirm my name instead of a hello. So I changed my mind. When I was in class X, my English teacher once told me that if you are ever asked to tell something about yourself during an interview, you should never say what’s already mentioned in the resume. So I decided not to start with my name and all.
 
But I wonder, how come my English teacher knew that I would ever face an interview in my life. Did she knew that I would end up doing a job and not do something on my own like running a grocery shop, or playing a piano in front of thousands of fans of mine.
 
So what should I start with? Everything about me was mentioned in the resume. When I say everything, I don’t mean that my resume has things like, during winters I bath only on Sundays and that too if that Sunday happens to be a sunny day and that during summers I prefer to bath atleast five times and this is why I cannot spend more than three or four hours at one place, as I am always thinking of going back home and taking a cool shower.
 
Actually, what I did was, I borrowed a soft copy of one of my friend’s resume, who happened to have same qualifications as I have. All that I did was that I replaced his name with mine and replaced his organization’s name with mine. I really liked the way he structured his resume, his choice of words in describing his strengths, which I can never do in my life. How is one supposed to know his strengths at work? I remember one of his hobbies was sleeping. How can sleep be a hobby? How can one enjoy sleeping? To actually enjoy a hobby you have to indulge in it and derive pleasure out of it. You have to feel the happiness that’s derived from pursuing that hobby. When you are sleeping, you are doing nothing, just sleeping. You feel good may be before or after sleep. But how can you enjoy yourself while you are sleeping. Thank God, she didn’t ask me during the interview to describe sleeping as a hobby. Otherwise I would have to utter the biggest lie of my life. I hate sleeping.
 
“Everything about me is mentioned in the resume”, I finally said.
 
“You may still want to say something else besides what’s mentioned in the resume”, she said.
 
I said I find it easier to respond to questions rather than telling something things on my own. This made her to ask a specific question to which I don’t think there was a specific answer.
 
“What is your career plan?” she asked.
 
How is one supposed to know his career plan? I mean I know that since I am a Finance Professional and all, I cannot have a career plan to become a Doctor or an Engineer. What I mean is how do you know what do you want to do with your career. Honestly speaking finance was probably the last thing in my mind when I was in school. I hated mathematics. I hated anything to do with numbers. I hated all my mathematics teachers, even they were aware of this fact that I hated them. I wish I could tell them that it was not because of them that I hated them and that it was only because of the subject that they taught. I only liked reading. It could be anything like reading Social Studies textbook, reading English text book, reading Science textbooks even, I never understood science though, that’s a different matter. May be that’s the reason why I liked this English Teacher of mine.
 
I said I have never planned for more than a day in my entire life. The maximum time period that I have planned ever in life is for a week or two may be, not more than that. I know that this answer might have pissed her off.
 
She threw another horseshit with the question, “Where do you see yourself five years down the line?
 
I wonder if my answer to this question would have mattered anyway. Just imagine that this interview was taking place in the 110th floor of World Trade Center at 9 AM in the morning on September 11, 2001. All my discussion on five years plans would be reduced to nothing in another five seconds. I am talking about the New York World Trade Center and not the Delhi one. The Delhi one have only 11 floors and that too if we were to combine the 6 and 5 floors respectively of World Trade Center and World Trade Tower located at Barakhamba Road. By the way, why is it so that both World Trade Tower and World Trade Center are not housed in the same building? Why do both have to be two separate buildings? I know that combining World Trade Center and World Trade Tower in New York would be a difficult task, as it would led it to become the tallest building in the world. A building so tall that the Chairman of one of the US corporation could actually sit on his 220th floor cabin and watch his Indian counterpart working in the top floor of the New Delhi World Trade Center, which happens to be the 6th Floor. But I can’t understand why they can’t combine both World Trade Center and World Trade Tower into one building in New Delhi and name Ground Floor to 5th floor as World Trade Tower and the remaining floors as World Trade Center.
 
I actually felt like telling her that I want to see myself sitting in one of the mountain lodges of Nainital, or a Tea Gardens of Assam, watching the raindrops falling in the river or moonlight melting in the water, with enough money in my bank account to take care of me and my family for the rest of our lives and writing the most beautiful poems with the most beautiful words on the most beautiful person in my life. This is where I want to see myself after five years down the line, honestly. But I lied and said that I would like to see myself as one of the most important asset of the organization.
 
Meanwhile I realized that she threw another horseshit.
 
“How do you want to contribute to this organization with the skill set that you have?”
 
Actually this was not horseshit, the later part of the question. I actually felt like kissing her, even though she was okay type, and telling her that I liked her compliment, the fact that I have the skill set, even though she may not have meant it.
 
I said that I would utilize my skills for the growth of this organization.
 
Then she said, “one last question, tell me one good reason, why should we select you?”
 
I think I should have asked her this question instead. If I was the one being interviewed, then she was the one who was supposed to know, why should I be selected or not selected. I was happy that this was her last question and that I can actually get out of this room “Venu” soon.
 
“I should be selected because of my attitude,” I said
 
When she requested me to be more specific, I told her that I believe in giving 100 percent in whatever I do, provided I like it. But that was a lie, as I have always given not 100 percent, but more than 100 percent in things that I liked, like reading a book, listening music, writing poetry and playing piano.
 
She said that the interview was over and if I had any question I was free to shoot. I thought of asking her the reason behind the curious name of this conference room “Venu.” I didn’t ask her as I thought that Venu might be her biggest competitor in this organization, who might have been one of the Employees of the Year or something and that this organization might have the policy of naming or renaming conference rooms each year after the Employees of the year. One thing was sure. It was that this Manager HR could never be the Employee of the year of this organization, rather any organization. So I didn’t want to remind her of her competitor, Venu and her incompetence and just said thank you and went out in the direction from where I entered. 
 
I realized that I took a wrong direction. I am glad that I did as it solved the mystery of the conference room’s name. I saw one conference room named Mercury, followed by two more conference rooms, Earth and Pluto. I was wondering what on Earth made them locate Venus on the other side of the building when Mercury, Earth and Pluto were together.
 
I hope that they have replaced the board “Venu” in which an “s” was missing, with a new board “Venus.” Sometime, these organization, I mean these big organizations, they tend to ignore such small things like replacing an incorrect name plate, which could affect the way one performs during the interview. Honestly speaking, most of the time during the interview, I was more worried about solving the mystery of this name “Venu” rather than how to get through this interview.
 
Thank God that I didn’t get through this interview. It was later when I joined this organization (i.e. my current job), I discovered that the one selected for that job was sent to Ireland for 2 years. Its not that I hated Ireland, Its just that I can never leave this country for so long.
 
I also discovered that that HR Manager left this organization around one month after she interviewed me. I told you that the other lined up interview that she mentioned was the one where she went out looking for a job. I am sure she is still throwing horseshits at some other candidates. Some people in this world, they feel that there is a problem with the organization that they are working in, when the problem actually lies with them.


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