Who Am I?(Who are you?)

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic

Who are you? Are you a good person or a bad person? How does other people sees you? This story is based on a universal truth of "Everyone thinks about how other people sees me"

Who Am I?

2013.3.29

“Everyone did a great job on this competition. But there only can be one winner.”

my heart pounded very fast. “I saw everyone working. But this person especially worked hard on this project and created a great robot. You’ll know who it is, there’s only one person that made a robot. Please come out....”. I was immediately awake and a second later I was shouting, “I won! I won the competition!”. After, in  lunch time, some of my classmates congratulated me. But some of them scowled. And turned around from my robot. I didn’t anticipate to see so different reactions about me winning at just one class competition. People that congratulated me looked at my robot and studied it. They touched it so many times that I actually needed to stop them and make them stay away from it a little bit. But I presume that the others might be deeming me as a person showing off or something. “No, it shouldn’t be like that” I thought. Tonight, I lied on my bed, but couldn’t fall asleep. I tossed and turned sleeplessly in my bed.

 

2013.4.11

Today, I picked up things for my classmates, I assisted getting instruments in music, I helped setting up in P.E.... For that, I was able to see many smiling faces. At lunch, I saw my class president ordering others to bring water, to borrow pencil and write down something for her. Well, the other friends of her looked like they got used to it and it was ok. I thought it was ok too. Because I’m not a type of a leader. I’m a person that follows the leader. When I did the things she wanted, she was talking cheerfully to me and her voice was getting higher as she talked. She asked me, ” What do you think about this school?”. I thought for a moment and answered, “I think this school is really comfortable to be in”. Then she said, “I forgot to tell you this!”. So I said, “What is it?”. Then she told me, “Would you like to eat lunch with me everyday?”. I paused for a second. Quickly she said, “If you don’t want to, you don’t need to. I just thought it would be good to spend time with each other”. I immediately answered, “No, I don’t mean that. I was just a little bit surprised by it. I will like to eat lunch with you”. After school, when I walked home, my mind was full of things I will do to others. I conceived my plans. I’m already intending to do many things. I had my slight smile over me. I’m looking forward to tomorrow.

 

2013.4.14

Through these days, I am like a little bird starting to fly. Everything is going smoothly like a river flowing. Now many people talk to me and be friendly with me. Even I didn’t understand why they change so much depending on my behavior, the corner of my mouth rised up all the time as a sun rising up in the morning. I’m having a great time with the class president especially. She orders me to do things, but I take it delightedly to do things for my friend. I desire there will be more great things happening.

 

2013.4.15

Yesterday I dreamt about me standing on the green field alone, with a huge long blue pipe running through everywhere of the field. A cool wind swished and the grasses leaned. The sky is very clear as it is transparent. The drinks are attached to the pipe. When the drinks pass me, each drink is dropped by the thing that is holding it. Then I catch it, and bring it to my mouth. There’s many different kinds of drinks like blue drink, red drink, yellow, green, purple, brown.... It doesn’t have a taste. All of the drinks have no taste. I just stand there erectly, drinking. I just keep drinking. But the pipe quickens. Like a shadow becoming bigger and like a train running toward me. Before I finish the drink, another drink fall down like a raindrop. I gulp the one that I’m holding and start the new one. But again before I finish, another one fall down. Then I gulp again and start the new one. I repeat that. It’s like a rainy day except for that it’s not raining. Even I drink so much, my stomach is empty. Nothing inside by body. Actually I don’t feel anything at all.

 

2013.4.19

Again I dreamt a strange dream. That I repeat my action again and again. I visited an amusement park, with my class. People dressed like the characters greeted visitors, cheerful and lilting music has spread everywhere, many people looking so pleased and joyful. Everyone looked so happy and delighted, and I assume that it’s because they’re with others. With their friends, with their family, with whoever it is. We got around everywhere. We gallivanted here and there. We rode every rides. We rode and rode and rode. We didn’t eat, we didn’t drink, we didn’t rest. Every rides were rode by us. When it became night, we were still riding. We rode constantly. If there was one thing different from just riding, it was choosing who you are going to ride with. The white paper was used to write our names. Then we mix them and the half of us each picks a paper. And we ride with that person. We never stop riding. This was totally different with the drinking dream, but one thing was in common. I didn’t have a feeling. I just repeat what I’m doing. With no emotions, completely, absolutely, entirely empty.

 

2013.4.22

Today in art time, our teacher asked us to volunteer to fetch the painting equipments. Nobody held their hands up. I considered, “Should I do it? Will others think me as a good person if I did it?”. Then the class president spoke slowly, very slowly looking around at all of us. “All right, if nobody, really nobody, truly no one will do it, I will do it as a class president. But I can’t believe there’s nobody, absolutely no one that will volunteer for just getting the painting stuffs”. Then a boy stood up facing her, said “If it’s just getting the things, why don’t you go?” Everyone laughed at what he said except me. I was looking at her face. It was turning alternately pale and red. She said back, “Alright, if you say so, I will go for all of you.” When she said that, her eyes met my eyes. Her tears were going to burst out at any moment. I burned up so hot that I was sweating. It felt like having a fever. I looked back and forth at her and the rest of my class. Still nobody held their hands up.They still giggled. So I sighed and held up my hand. And tried to go out of the classroom, when the class president said out loud. “Lets clap for her for volunteering to go since no one wanted to and she was caring”. And everyone clapped loudly. I didn’t sigh anymore. I went out of the classroom smiling. The class president was a really good friend. Through the whole day, I was thinking about her. Then I realized that I even didn’t know her name, and she doesn’t know mine. I thought, ”Does she really think of me as a friend or is she just using me to order things, for convenience?” I was confused about the fact, but I thought positively. “She really does like me. I know it”.

 

2013.4.24

In Language Art time, we were editing other’s papers. I always don’t like this part when we write papers. You know why? Because I feel so negative about myself compared to others by seeing their papers with difficult words, perfect explanations. I also feel unsure fixing their papers. It might be because I have a big notion that says, “They are better than me. They are always correct.” I don’t dare make a mark on their papers. Theirs all look fine and perfect to me. I know I need to edit it to help them make a better paper, but the edits by me doesn’t help. It might make it worse. But I can’t give it back all blank, can I? No, I can’t. So I attempt to find a place that I think I could write something, although I always stare at the letters on the paper over and over again. And I make one or two little writing. You know what comes back when you get back your paper? A bloody paper with all the red marks on it. Or whatever the color is. It’s on every page, everywhere. Not a single page is white. There’s at least one fix. I sometimes don’t understand  why some of the marks are on the sentences, because I thought it was fine, but I take it. If there’s a mark, there will be something mistaken that I don’t recognize. They are always right. I always sigh looking at my writing that I always work hard on. When I look at the fixed words or sentences, I do realize why they are wrong. I don’t understand why I couldn’t notice it before. I give a glance at the paper and let my face go all the way down to the desk. I know there should be at least one mistake on their papers too. But I don’t think I see those mistakes. Teachers would see those. But not me.  

 

2013.4.25

Today was friday and we had activity time. Every class in the school do activities like pony express, capture the flag or sports day practice. We had free time for a whole period. My classmates and some other graders were divided in two groups, playing taking the ball from other team and passing the ball to their team. They were running everywhere, laughing and smiling all the time. I was keep staring at them. I could see every specific things that was happening. That boy passing it to her, that girl throwing the ball up.... Without becoming aware of it, I was moving toward them. Then I thought, ”Will they like if I join? Will they even accept me?”. I didn’t think they would like me to join. So I stopped going forward and thought again. About if I’m going to do a good job if I join the game. My mind suddenly became complicated. “No, I’m not really good at games like that. I’m not good at catching balls when someone passes me. No, I’m not going to be able to catch it. So if I join, I’m not going to be helpful to my team. I’m rather going to be a disturbance. Like I am always in P.E class. They will not be happy about it”. I knew that I’m not good at catching balls because I’m frightened of getting hit by it, and I knew I can change that if I be more courageous. But I can’t help it. Well, I guessed that I better not go ask if I could join. After all, they were already playing, and were already divided into teams. I sighed and just stood at the wall, looking only at them. No one else. It just looked so fun. “I can’t always do the things that I want. And I can’t be a disturbance to other people when they are playing so happily”. I thought. I stood at the wall until the activity time finished, which felt like a long time. My eyes filled with tears, thinking all those things. I stared right up at the sky, which was gray but blue at the opposite side of me. “Why is everything going so wrong with me?” I thought. Through the way up to the class, I was trying to hold my tears back, though it didn’t work well. I think because I was thinking too deeply about me. Not a good, proud me, but awful, terrible me. Those thinkings  were going around my mind. I was so stupid, foolish and deplorable. I didn’t like this me. Myself that can’t even say a one short sentence, “May I join?”. I don’t understand why I can’t. Is this part of my personality? Can’t I ever change it? Why am I sometimes so bad at saying things to others? Why am I so different in school and outside the school? Why can’t I express myself more freely? Why can’t I be the same in the school as I am in home or outside the school? I just  can’t say everythings I want to. A sentence called “May I join?” is a really simple sentence. Nothing’s strange if I speak it to others. But why can’t I ever say it? Why do I feel so negative, comparing myself to others? Well, I don’t know. They just seems better than me. Through the day, my mind was so mixed up especially in school where I saw others having fun, so cheerful with their faces that describes that they have nothing to worry about.

 

2013.4.27

You know what? These days, I feel like I’m acting like me in the dreams. Those strange dreams. Today when someone dropped his water bottle, I picked it up for him immediately. I didn’t know I was doing that. When I realized, I was standing in front of him, giving him the water bottle. I was confused. But it happened again. When it was recess, I saw a first grader falling down because of a rock. Again when I realized, I was already holding her up. She did not fall down. She said she was surprised to see me so fast, coming toward her. What should I do? My body doesn’t listen to me. I can’t control it. Like it has a system entered in my body that makes me to help everyone. I’m really confused. I just don’t understand. What’s happening to me? Am I a real person even?

2013.4.28

After school, my teacher called me. He made me sit down on the chair that parents usually sit down in conferences. I was again kind of sweating. I didn’t expect this to happen today. My plan was to go straight home and have some sleep. I could see my bed waiting for me right in front of me. Suddenly I wondered, ”What is he going to talk about? Did I do something wrong? Maybe my math homework was too half hearted.” But fortunately, he didn’t talk about my math homework. Instead, he said, ”I want to tell you something important. Please listen carefully and take it seriously. These days, I see you helping many people. Extremely lot. It is good to help others, but this is going out of the line. I’m not saying it’s bad, but I just think this is too much. Do you realize how much you had changed recently? Well before, you were cheerful, communicated freely, sharing your ideas, working hard on the projects like your robot you made in the competition, thought deeply if there was a problem..... Now you are like a person with no mind. You look totally empty when I see you. Now it seems that you agree with anything that others share with you, you go help even it’s a tiny little thing, you don’t think about anything even. You are like a robot doing things automatically that even you didn’t decide to do. There’s another way than seeing that I can know this, is your homeworks. It seems you are just rushing through the questions. It’s messy unlikely as before, there’s many mistakes, word sizes are different. Which tells that you are not concentrating, thinking other things or not thinking anything at all. And the math homework you gave me today was the most half hearted homework of all.” I sighed. “So after all, my math homework was half hearted” I thought. “I want you to think about these days that you’ve been acting strangely, and also think about who you really are. Who are you? What’s some good things about you?” He said. I answered, ”But there’s too many homeworks today. I need to finish my writing in Language Art, I need to write my reflection about electricity, choose and write my opinions about one human rights and also finish my poster for art class. I really don’t have time to think.” He said, ”Don’t worry about those homeworks. I will give you permission to not finish it. Instead, your homework is to think about your own self, and what I said. Do you understand?”. I looked down at the brown dusty floor. “Yes” I answered. I gave him a bow and came straight home, many things rolling and being mixed up inside my mind. I tried to forget about what he said. But as I tried more, it became more clear and didn’t leave my mind. So I thought and thought and thought about myself. I compared me before and now. I asked myself who I am. I even thought if I have my own self. I couldn’t sleep tonight. Not a single minute. But fortunately I made up my mind.

 

2013.5.1

I had a great time today. We did a debate and I was the leader of my side. I thought of a reason about the topic that will make the others silent. And guess what? We won the debate. Our teacher complimented us, especially me. And he whispered to me,”I really like seeing your enthusiasm, great job”. I for a second was seeing my teacher changed to an angel all covered in pure white, stretching out his enormous wings, giving me a kind smile. In lunch time, I told the class president that I’m going to stop listening to her orders. Her face suddenly darkened when I said that. But I also said I will do things for her as my friend if I would have choice about it. I also thought deeply about the things I need to decide in class, problems between my classmates. But most of all, the most amazing thing was that I actually told others that I wanted to join the game. You know the one I talked about in Friday, activity time? They accepted at once. At a second, I couldn’t believe that this was this easy, so simple. I catched the ball and I took the ball from other team many times. It was just amazing! I couldn’t believe it until someone came and said to me “Good job”. I really appreciate my teacher advising me to think about myself and I’m glad that I did realize how wrong I was. Now I’m back to my own self as before, expressing myself as much as I want.


Submitted: November 16, 2013

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