This is the tale of little Ms. Anna McBlabbermouth. 15-year-old Anna McBlabbermouth was your average, everyday teenager. Besides being a blondie (well, that explains it all!) and a quirky, spunky girl, she loved to read, write, bike, swim, draw flowers, and pretty much any other thing a normal, teenage girl would do. But there was one thing that she absolutely loved, and that was talking; the simple art of moving your mouth and lips and creating voices with your soundbox simultaneously (don’t forget spitting if you have a lisp). Obviously, her sociable and inquisitive attitude was the only way she ever made friends...and enemies. Some who met her decided to be her friend because they liked her happy, energetic personality. Others, however, told her hysterically that they would be her friend, so that they wouldn't have to die listening to her constant blabbering. Nonetheless, Anna was a good girl..well, somewhat, until she talked so much that the paint in her house came off the wall, and until she put deaf Old Man Jenkins to the grave with her blabbering, and until she distracted that driver and caused the terrible accident on that freeway, and until she caused World War III, and....well, you get it already. Anna loved experimenting with her voice. She would talk in deep voices, girly voices, old ladies’ voices, black and chinese women voices, Michael Jackson’s voice, and in any other voice you could think of. However, she preferred to use her shrilly, annoying voice, which had the miraculous ability to shatter glass, wood, concrete, and practically anything else! So, when you hear a high-pitch squeal, cover your ears fast if you don’t want to live the rest of your days deaf and miserable! Even the pastor of Anna's church knew that Anna had a remarkable gift, so he asked God to bless her (and at the same time, he pleaded in his heart for sanctification and asked God why He had cursed him with this girl. Maybe it was because of his drinking habits, going to those hooker bars every weekend, using the f-bomb frequently, and sleeping with those little boys...nah, probably not. Wait, maybe it was that time he misused the Lord’s name in vain! Oh, dear Lord - that’s breaking a commandment! Bless my heart and keep my soul, Lord Jesus, that I shall not perish in Hell!)
“Girl, you talk so much, you can practically wake up the dead!” The pastor once told Anna, to which Anna replied by going out to the graveyard and speaking obnoxious gibberish. At the sound of this girl’s voice, the dead received their souls, and regained life.
“waz dah noyse (what’s that noise)?” One of the dead people asked.
“Ah doh no, mah bay it juh anadah fiwah twuck (I don’t know, maybe it just another fire truck).” Another replied with a missing jaw.
Anna truly had the gift of talking. In fact, when she fought with others, her high-frequency pitch would create a sonic boom and blow away everything! Her voice literally defied science!
One day in school, Anna was sitting in a boring classroom, during a boring lecture about math coming from a boring teacher - it was none other than the infamous Mr. Shytesispants. Anna hated him for his snobby, annoying attitude, and how he always complained about his job and his life. During class, Anna tried with all her might to keep her mouth shut, but the urge was beginning to build up inside. Anna felt like she was about to explode if she didn’t talk. If she hadn’t spoken, who knows what would have happened? Maybe she wouldn’t be able to graduate at the top of her class (she was getting F’s in all subjects). Maybe the kids in Africa would die of starvation (they are still dying, sadly)! Maybe Chuck Norris would lose popularity (are you for real!?). Maybe Casey Anthony would be found innocent (oh woops, she already has been found innocent, my bad, sorry!). Or worst of all, there will be no more chicken left in this world to eat (black man: what, no moe KFC!? Chinese man: ah? no moh Beijing cao yah!? Indian man: What? Do not touch my cow, or else you will get your hand chopped off!). Anna knew that there was only one solution to save herself from boredom: TALK! Anna peered over at the boy next to her and stared at him. The boy noticed Anna’s glaring eyes in his peripheral vision, and his heart seemed to momentarily stop. Do I dare look? The boy thought as he shuddered at the possibility that he would be Anna’s next unfortunate victim. The boy reluctantly turned his head and peeked at Anna from the side of his eye. Anna smiled at the boy. The boy knew very well where this was getting at. Oh no, please don’t tell me that she’s asking me out on a date, oh no, PLEASE! I’ll shoot myself if I am forced to go on a date with her!
“Hey!” Anna whispered.
“WAH!” The boy yelped in surprise. The teacher suddenly turned around from the chalkboard and stared at the frightened boy curiously.
“Is there something that you would like to tell me?” The snobby teacher asked the embarrassed boy.
“No sir, you see, Anna was -”
“That’s quite enough, young man. I understand everything, but please keep in mind when you have another seizure, keep it down while I’m teaching! Jeez, I’m trying to do my job, how much do you think I make anyways?” Mr. Shytesispants muttered and turned back to continue writing the phrase “I hate my low-paying job” on the chalkboard. The boy sat angrily in his seat. He turned to look at Anna, who was still staring and smiling at him.
“Wipe that smirk off your face!” The boy harshly whispered to Anna.
“Hey, I was going to tell you something really important.” Anna said. The boy turned his head and stared at the teacher, hoping that ignoring Anna would make her shut up. But Anna kept calling for him. Hot and seething anger was boiling inside him, and he was ready to explode. Just as he was about to scream at Anna, another boy in the classroom yelped. The teacher turned around angrily.
“Now what is it?” Mr. Shytesispants asked impatiently.
“I - I think I just crapped my pants!” The boy stuttered out in an embarrassed way. All the kids in the classroom burst out with uncontrollable laughter.
“Hey, settle down everyone! Stop laughing (heh, heh, it was kind of funny)! Hey, I said stop! STOP IT!!!” The teacher yelled. The class gradually quieted down until it became silent.
“Class, it isn’t nice to make fun of someone just because he or she made chocolate in his or her pants. Jimmy, I’m going to tell you this once and only once: SHUT to the UP! If you have an accident in the classroom, don’t go to me as if I’m your daddy and you need your butt wiped clean. Have the taxpayers do that for you! Jeez, can’t I just do my job in peace for once? But no, I have to deal with you little snots! I would much rather be hired to work at Goldman Sachs, just look how much they get paid! They get million dollar bonuses for Christ’s sake! Yet, here I am, a lousy schoolteacher, making nothing! Oh, if only I had joined -” By now, everyone stared blankly at the teacher. The teacher cleared his throat and regained composure.
“Anyways, where were we? Oh yes, I remember!” The teacher turned back to the board.
“Here’s a new lesson kids. Be sure to jot this in your notes because this will come up on your next quiz.” The teacher enthusiastically said.
“We never get quizzes.” A boy interjected. Mr. Shytesispants hastily turned around and made a threatening gesture at the boy.
“You better shut up, or else!” The teacher said. The boy complied, and the teacher resumed to writing a new phrase on the chalkboard: “teachers need a raise.”
“Hey!” Anna whispered to the boy.
“What? What is it, already?” The boy whispered back angrily.
“I just wanted to ask; I don’t know if you know the answer or not, but how does a rainbow form? I heard that it has to do with water and light, or something like that. Aren’t they beautiful, though? Boy, is it hot in this classroom or what? Hey, did you see that new Twilight film that came out? Oh, it was awesome; me and my girlfriends went to see the midnight showing! Which team are you on, Team Edward or Team Jacob? If you’re going to say Edward, please don’t talk to me ever again.”
“Yes, I am for Team Edward, okay? Now shut up!” The boy furiously said.
“What, you’re for Team Edward...but, I’m for Team Jacob!” The teacher said, who dropped his chalk on the floor and pretended to cry hysterically.
“I knew the teacher was a queer!” A girl whispered to a friend in the classroom. Suddenly, Mr. Shytesispants switched back to his usual snobby attitude.
“Okay, enough with the Twilight gossiping, and let’s focus on school! Come on people, say it with me! Teachers need a raise, teachers need a raise!” Mr. Shytesispants cheered loudly. The classroom uttered no sound.
“If you don’t say it, you all fail this quarter!” The teacher warned sinisterly.
“Teachers need a raise, teachers need a raise!” The students chanted loudly.
“That’s more like it! Good job, you all passed!” The teacher exclaimed joyfully. The class cheered excitedly.
“...At failing to listen to the teacher when he is teaching! Gosh, I am three inches away from murdering, I mean, calling each of your parents and telling them that their son and/or daughter will be staying after school for DETENTION!” The class became ominously silent.
“Now that you are all attentive, let’s resume to the lesson!” The teacher said calmly.
“Okay, anyways, what’s your name?” Anna asked the boy. The boy ignored Anna’s question, and he continued to stare at the teacher.
“Seriously, what’s your name?” Anna asked again. The boy had just about had enough of Anna.
“Okay, what do you want from me? I’ll give you my lunch money, my home, my car, my social security number - anything - for you to shut up!” The boy said.
“Gee, you’re a really nice person! All I wanted from you was your name, you don’t have to give me all of your things!” Anna chuckled sweetly. The boy sighed heavily and exclaimed an “oh my gosh” under his breath.
“You don’t even know my name, even after being in my class for a whole semester now? And you’re telling me that you still don’t know my name? What the heck?” The boy furiously said,
“Sorry, it’s just that I never talked to you before, and I forget things easily.”
“My name’s Bill, alright? Now can you shut up?”
“And my name is Disguy Shytesispants, but does it really matter? I prefer you to call me Mr. Shytesispants.” The teacher said sarcastically.
“No wait, Mr Shytesispants, I can explain everything!”
“Don’t want you to!”
“But mister, really, it isn’t my fault!” The boy cried out.
“I don’t care, I caught you talking, and you’re being punished!” Mr. Shytesispants said in a determined voice.
“Please, listen to me!” The boy implored earnestly.
“No, you listen to me, young man! I am the teacher here, who deserves a good raise to feed a family of 5! I am the boss of your life, do not underestimate my superiority! And don’t even think about challenging me, for I am part of the Union, son, and as a certified Union member, I know how to break it down and convince people into doing my biddings! You talkin’ to a Union member, son, don’t be messin’ with dressin’, ya’ hear? ” The teacher said with a gangster tone of voice.
“You know what, this is why I hate -”
“Don’t you dare say another word, young man!” Mr. Shytesispants warned sternly.
“Look, Anna was talking to me, alright? I tried so hard, sir, to ignore her, but her mouth compelled me to go nuts! She kept on talking and wouldn’t shut up, I swear!” The boy said. By now, the teacher had gotten out his lie detector (which he bought at the 50 cent store) to verify whether the boy was telling the truth.
“Mm hm.” Mr. Shytesispants nodded in approval.
“I guess you weren’t lying after all!” The teacher replied, then he glared at Anna.
“You, Anna, are in big trouble!” Mr. Shytesispants said while pointing at Anna.
“Okay, so like, anyways, I still can’t believe Bill here is for Team Edward! And did you hear about that hurricane last night? Boy, I thought that our house would collapse! Can you ever imagine a little girl like me homeless! I can’t. Hey, have you ever jet skied before? It is SOOOO much fun, omg! Like, lol, rofl, ccaf, qrtby, xp8jy, like what???” Anna said, completely unaware of anyone around her.
“That’s it, missy! You just messed with the wrong Union member, girl! You just got me started, sister! I’m going to do what I do best: call up your parents and tell them that their annoying-as-a-fire-truck daughter is going to have to stay after-school for DETENTION!” Mr. Shytesispants said menacingly. The entire classroom gasped, and whispered remarks among themselves.
“For real, Mr. Shytesispants? I mean, come on! I’m sick of your boring and annoying attitude. Lighten up for once, will you? Stop complaining and just do your job! Come on, everybody! Say it with me! Just do your job, just do your job!” Anna chanted heroically. Some students began following her, then more decided to join in, and eventually the entire class was screaming Anna’s chant. Even Bill, the unfortunate victim of Anna’s, was happily chanting along. Mr. Shytesispants stared at the scene unfolding before him with horror. Perspiration was streaming down his forehead, back, legs, and chest, until his whole body was drenched in sweat.
“That’s enough! You all now get detention!” The teacher shouted at the top of his lungs.
“Oh no you didn’t! I’m going to call your parents!” Anna retorted.
“My parents are dead.” Mr. Shytesispants muttered.
“Wait, just curious. Did your father happen to be Old Man Jenkins?” Anna asked inquisitively.
“Yes, and his name isn’t ‘Old Man Jenkins,’ okay? His last name was Shytesispants!” The teacher replied angrily.
“Then, what was his first name?”
“Datguy what?” Anna asked.
“Datguy Shytesispants.” The teacher replied. “But I used to call him Old Man Shytesispants.” The entire classroom bursted with uncontrollable laughter. The teacher looked at Anna furiously, and Anna chuckled.
“What’s so funny?” The teacher asked appalled. Then, he looked at Anna and became furious.
“That’s it, I’m calling all of your parents, starting with yours, Anna!” The teacher said, pointing at Anna with a blunt finger.
“No!” Anna screamed. She jumped out of her seat and jumped onto Mr. Shytesispants‘ back.
“What on earth?” Mr. Shytesispants exclaimed with surprise. Anna howled like a wolf and slapped Mr. Shytesispants’ glasses off. Immediately, the teacher threw Anna off his back, and searched for his glasses. Once he found them, he put them back on his head and turned to look at Anna.
“You messed with the wrong teacher! Now you’re about to get yours!” Mr. Shytesispants said with bent, cracked glasses.
“Well, hate to break it to you, but I am a black belt in Tae-Kwon-Do!” Anna retorted.
“Well, we’ll see about that!” The teacher replied. The two stared coldly into one another’s eyes, as if a western draw match was about to take place. The class watched the scene in suspense, but in their hearts they cheered for Anna. Mr. Shytesispants grabbed a long pointer from the chalkboard, and began twirling it around like a ninja.
“Ha! Betch ya’ you never saw those moves before!” Mr. Shytesispants exclaimed triumphantly.
“I’ve seen it in corny Chinese snuff films before.” Anna replied. Mr. Shytesispants charged towards her with his pointer. Instinctively, Anna switched into defense mode. She prepared to store up energy in her mouth. Her mouth began moving at a phenomenal speed of 50,000 chatters per minute! Suddenly, the ground beneath her cracked, and a huge wind began circulating in the classroom. Students began flying off their seats and were caught in the vortex that Anna had created with her mouth.
"Hamay, hamay, HAAAA!!!" Anna screamed, unleashing her power. Anna's voice was so powerful that the floor beneath her shattered, the foundation shattered, and dirt came flying into the room. Mr. Shytesispants' clothes were burned right off his body, and he was blown through the concrete wall that separated the classroom from the hallway. Mr. Shytesispants wearily got up, and groaned in pain. Anna grabbed something out of her pocket and showed it to Mr. Shytesispants.
“Say hello to the cellphone, Mr. Shytesispants!” Anna said, while showing the enraged teacher her cellphone. The teacher gasped.
“The new Samsung S Galaxy 4G!” Mr. Shytesispants exclaimed in wonder. Anna threw the phone at the teacher, which struck him in the face, knocking a tooth out of his mouth.
“Wow, I never knew a Samsung packed that much of a punch!” Anna exclaimed in surprise. Then, Anna ran up to the dazed teacher and roundhouse kicked him in the face, knocking him out instantly. The fainted teacher fell onto the floor, and Anna triumphantly stood on top of him. The whole class cheered for Anna, and thanked her from saving them from another boring lecture from Mr. Shytesispants. This is the tale of how Anna became famous. Although her mouth can be a curse, heck, it sure can be a blessing as well (oh Lord, please deliver me from Anna’s mouth - Pastor)!
“You attacked a girl during class?” An old man asked another man sitting in a chair.
“No, Principal Recktum, she attacked me! I was just doing my job!” The man responded defensively.
“Well, according to school policy, we must order you to leave this school! You’re fired, Mr. Shytesispants!” Principal Recktum said.
“NOOOO!!!” Mr. Shytesispants screamed in agony. Principal Recktum cackled in his deep, maniacal voice, and fire could be seen in his beady, little eyes.
Mr. Shytesispants awoke from his bed, gasping for air. The teacher sighed heavily, relieved that he was dreaming. He felt sweaty and hot. Then, he remembered Anna knocking him out, and suddenly, everything rushed back into his mind. The teacher frantically looked around him, and realized that he was in a hospital. Suddenly, a nurse walked into his room.
“Nurse! What’s going on here?” Mr. Shytesispants asked.
“Why, you’ve been brought in by a nice young girl. We took you to the ER; she told us the whole story. Man, you sucker - she banged you up pretty bad, considering the fact that you suffered from a fractured skull, a broken jaw, and not to mention your head split open. Don’t worry, we sewed and fixed everything back up just the way it should be!” The nurse said.
“Oh, and by the way, someone’s here to see you.” The nurse said, as she left the room. A little girl entered into the room. Mr. Shytesispants stared at the shadowy figure in horror.
“Oh no, you little devil! Don’t tell me it’s you, oh please no! Oh, get back, you little rascal! Don’t come any closer! You hear me, you crazy psycho? Get out of here, and never show your smug face to me ever again!” Mr. Shytesispants screamed furiously.
“Daddy, it’s me, Chandice.” The little girl wept. Mr. Shytesispants felt a rush of embarrassment and stinging guilt flood into his heart.
“Oh my gosh, Chandice, I’m so sorry, I thought you were someone else!” Mr. Shytesispants exclaimed, and hugged her warmly, patting her back to make her stop crying.
“There, there, it’s alright, Daddy didn’t mean to say any of those mean words to you.” The affectionate father said as he hugged his daughter. Eventually, the little girl stopped crying.
“Daddy, there is something I want to tell you.” Chandice said quietly.
“What’s that? You can tell me anything, Chandice!”
“Are you sure you won’t get mad at me?” Chandice asked skeptically.
“I promise, cross my heart!” The loving father said.
“Well, okay, here it goes.” The girl began. She cleared her throat and stared into her father’s warm eyes.
“Daddy, Principal Recktum told me to tell you that you’ve been fired.” Chandice sweetly said.
“What the!? Get out of here you mother -”
© Copyright 2016 JLW. All rights reserved.