The Sandaled Bohemian

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Sherlock Holmes parody.

Submitted: June 11, 2012

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Submitted: June 11, 2012

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In 2008, Indian forensics expert Nehru Wolgosh was hired by Scotland Yard to investigate

 

rumors that John H. Watson, longtime assistant to the legendedary detective Sherlock Holmes was an

 

orthodox Jew. Wolfgosh made the shocking discovery that indeed Watson, ne' Watsenstein, was born to

 

a poor Jewish family in a London ghetto. Several weeks later the whole world became apoplectic

 

when further research revealed that Holmes himself was also an orthodox Jew. Born Shylock Horowitz

 

to a family of Russian immigrants, the great detective would change his name to gain acceptance in

 

British society. The discovery explained Holmes' superior intellect and love of the violin.

 

In a state of near hysteria, the British government acting on orders from Prince Charles, who

 

had nothing better to do, hired Wolfgosh to continue his investigation. After several months of wasting

 

millions of pounds which the bankrupt government could ill afford, Wolfgosh uncovered what proved to

 

be the most shocking news of the 21st century. Watson had left unpublished dozens of manuscripts

 

chronicling the cases that he and Holmes had worked on during their 40 year association. The British

 

government, in a futile attempt to recover some of the money they lost and pay their delinquent utility

 

bills, plans on publishing the manuscripts at inflated prices that they believe Americans will be stupid

 

enough to pay. So far, the following stories are scheduled for publication;

 

 

A Study in Scarface

 

The Sandaled Bohemian

 

The Sign of the Eight and a Half

 

The Red Headed Dweeb

 

The Dachshund of the Bastard Phil

 

The Respectable Jazz Band

 

The Bosco Factory Mystery

 

The Solitary Cyclonist

 

Copper Breeches

 

The Geek Interloper

 

The Resident's Patience

 

The Valley of Beer

 

The Six Neapolitans

 

Gladys Knight and the Five Orange Pips

 

The Dancing Gay Men

 

Phil Silvers' Blazer

 

The Final Progrom

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Sandaled Bohemian

 

 

 

To Sherlock Holmes, she would always be “The Woman.” Retired Fognerian soprano and trout

 

fishing enthusiast Brunhilde Angler would be the subject of Holmes' only failed case.

 

It was early one rainy morning when Holmes and I were visited in our London apartment by

 

Prince Luigi Grossacalzone, four hundred pound gourmand and heir to the Sicilian throne. After

 

being shoved into our flat by our landlady, Mrs. Hudson, Grossacalzone squeezed himself into one of

 

Holmes oversized chairs. Holmes lit his customary pipe and pretended to listen to the Prince's dilemma

 

while puffing at his shag tobacco and gazing out the window distractedly. The prince, now betrothed

 

to the Nigerian heiress and multi- reed instrumentalist the African Queen Latif, considered by many to

 

be all nuts, had committed a youthful indiscretion several years before by carrying on a wild affair

 

with the aforementioned Angler.

 

While fishing off of his yacht, the HMS Minnow, the Prince ignored warnings not to cross the

 

dangerous English Channel No. 5. The boat was carried off by an overwhelming current, and they

 

found themselves stranded on an uninhabited island with their crew and several guests which consisted

 

of the slovenly Mud Skipper, his mentally challenged first mate Gil Egin, the voluptuous and

 

self-absorbed Shakespearean actress Cinnamon, the ship's cook Marilyn and the completely useless

 

musicologist Professor Shorthair.

 

Brunhilde, an amateur photographer, managed to salvage her cameras and darkroom

 

equipment from the wreck . To while away the time, she ran around the island taking candid

 

photographs of the castaways, including a snapshot of Luigi wearing sandals and an oversized moo

 

moo, looking very much the raffish bohemian. The prince told Holmes of his fear that she would use

 

the photo to blackmail him, and promised to pay Holmes any amount he requested if he can secure the

 

photo.

 

After shoving the Prince out of the apartment, I asked Holmes how he planned to get the photo

 

from the cunning Angler. “Elementary, my dear Watson, I'll sneak into her house disguised as a

 

Mormon. Once inside, I'll signal you to throw a smoke bomb through her front window. When

 

.she leaves the house, I'll find the photograph and abscond with it.”

 

That night Holmes, a master of disguise, appeared in the living room looking every bit the

 

Mormon missionary with his white shirt, black tie and pamphlets. He instructed me to hire a hansom

 

cab and drive to Serpentine Muse where he would meet me outside of Angler's house on his

 

bicycle. Arriving at the front door, Holmes knocked and was immediately ushered inside by the

 

housekeeper. Holmes' keen sense of observation enabled him to ascertain the location of the photo

 

which was displayed on the living room mantelpiece. Holmes signaled me to throw the bomb

 

which filled the house with smoke within seconds. Angler, realizing she'd been duped, ran into the

 

living room and replaced the picture with a photo she had taken in an earlier attempt to blackmail an

 

important official, a portrait of Benjamin Disraeli wearing an evening gown. Holmes, blinded by the

 

smoke, grabbed the Disraeli portrait and cycled like a madman all the way back to Baker Street.

 

Arriving at the apartment, Holmes stared in disbelief at at the picture, unable to accept the fact

 

that the former Prime Minister had no sense of color coordination. To this day, Holmes keeps the

 

portrait locked in his top desk drawer next to his cocaine paraphernalia, a grim reminder of his one

 

failed case.

 

In the past, Sherlock Holmes had been quick to ridicule the weaker sex for what he considered

 

to be their inferior intellect, but I haven't heard him comment on that subject in recent months.

 

 

 

Joe Cea

 

New Orleans 2012

 

copyright 2012 CEA Productions

 

 


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