Shotgun Weddings

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
A Short story written in Pure Texan

Submitted: October 08, 2015

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Submitted: October 08, 2015

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Shotgun Weddings 

Saumtoms foaks wanna noe howa beyug ol’ dom kuntree bowee lock may frum Haundoe, Taxus anded op we-uth soch uh beautimus “beug sitty” waff. Whale, lemme tail y’all hay-yo e-yut awl kum uhbout.

Juss bouta wake bahfoeur Ahh tarned twinnee wun yars olt muh kuzun Billy Bob, whoo lay-uved eyun Say-yun tone, Taxus, dun kawled may yup onna  tally-fone ayun ast may hay-yo Ahh wuz gonna selly-brate muh twinee farst Barth-dey. Whale, Aah tolt hay-yum thay-yut muh Grannie ayun Grayun-paw wuzzuh hav-un uh bayug Barth-dey Pardee pla-yunned fur may wiff Kayke, Ahhs Krame, ayun Bull-loons wiff alluh muh kayun foaks hair ayut duh Rainch. Hay ast may iffin thay wuz gunna thro may uh Sorpraz Barth-dee Pardee anna tolt hayum thayut thay wuz noe wae thay kud Sor praz may owun muh twinnee farst Barth dae.

Nay-yow daze Ahh hayuv uh Sorpraz Barth-dee Pardee pert nayur ever yare, kuz Alm suh dad gummed fur geeyut ful Aah kin hod muh yoan Ayster Aigs un play-yun muh yown Sorpraz Barth-dee Pardees. See-neal-uh-tee eyus axe-shul-lee uh wunnerful thang, cuz eyut layuts are waffs bay yuh bay-yug hep rou-nuh hay-youse.

“Hay, Muhray-yun-duh, yuh sane muh bootz?”

“Yep, Aah seen um inna Fre-udge.”

Whale, how’d thay gee-yut their Aah pon-durd? Owe, nayow Aah member. Aah wuz a takin’ awf muh bootz ann wontun uh bare, sews Aah stud up ann wayunt intuh kitshun wif muh bootz eyun muh hay-yund ayun whan Aah rached furra bare Aah musta sayut muh bootz day own inna Fre-udge. Hay, thayuts nought sach uh bayud eye-deer! Eyuts aweful haught ay-yote sod ayun iffin Muhray-yun-duh wuld layut may cape muh bootz inna Fre-udge alla tom thay shore wood fail gud whenna pudum bayuck own.

Whale whan Fry-dee kum Aah wayunt dayown tuh werk ayus use-shul ayun eyut wuz pay-dae! Muh bozz sayud thayut uhkordun’ tuh hayus rackerds eyut wuz muh twinnee farst Barthdae! Plaus eyut wuz hayus paul-uhsee tuh geeuve hayus ayumplaheez uh dae awf own thayer Barthdae! Plaus, hay gimme kayush munny fer pae dae, plaus uh fafte dolla bownus fer alwuss bean own tom.

Yeeeeeee Haaaaaaa! Eyut jess doan gee-yutt enny bat-urn the-yus!

Thay tuk muh mose fay-vo-rut thangs inna hole wad whirrled ann roled um op eyun wun dae! Ayun Aah stale hay-yud Kayke, Aaahs krame, ayun Bulloons uhwaytun ayut tha Rainch wiff alla muh kan-foaks. Plaus, wif muh fafte dolla bownus munney Aah deyud saum quee-yuck cow-Q-lay-tun ayun faggurd thayut ayut twinee fie sants par bare Aah kud bah narely twinee bares ayut Haundoe’s “Ty Wun Awn” Tayvern. Odd paeked ayun-sod uh few toms whan Aah wuz jess uh wockun passun eyut wuz rail spashull. Thay hayud uh kulur telly veeshun, uh poo-ul taybull, boles fulla fray paynots, uh beyug ol’ jaruh pack-led aiggs, anna chayers ware reglur lather saydles whare yuh kud sat own um.

Aah wuz uh be-yut dissa-pontud whan Ah seen muh farst poo-ul taybull, kuz Aah alwuss thunk eyut wuz uh bee-ug ol’ jahunt taybull failed wif krahstul klair wadder ware yuh kud goe swimmun ayun skanny dippun. Whale, kuz aver sance Aah wuz uh tane-ayger sum feller wud sae:

“Hay, wate tale yore twinnee wun ann kin drank dayown ayut tha Tayvern, kuz thay gut uh poo-ul taybull un wimmun ayun ever thang.”

Whale, whan Ahh gut tuh hoam ayut tha Rainch, Grannie ann thayum wuzzunt spectun may hoam sew urly ayun thay wuz jess puttun op tha Bulloons ayun tha Dack-O-Rayshuns un thangs. Whale wiff awl tha kan-foax uhcumun ovah tuh tha Rainch Hows fur muh Barthdae Pardee thare warnt nuff rume inna hows tuh holt usall sews tha pardee wud bay helt oughtsod. Alluh taybuls un chayers, un banches ware sayut op awl ratty anna rally beeug Barthdae Kayke wuz onna taybull wiff muh naime ratten eyun fan-yun-see balue cullert aahsin. Eyut sade: “Happe twinee farst Barthday tuh Joe Bob.” Whale, Aah wuz rally totshed ann saum fokes thank Aah stale ayum.

Whale, muh kayun fokes un rail-uh-teeuvs storted shoan op lil bah lil aven tho sumum warnt tew lil. Yuh say alluh muh kayun fokes un stoff war Jarmun sews Aah hayud lotsa bag ol’ hafty ayunts ann stoff awl ceptun muh aa-yunt Parl. Shay wuz prolly tha ownlee wunna tha oldur wimmin’ reglur, normul sighs, cept fer Grannie. Muh Grannie wuz prolly ownly tan payowns ovah har marreyun sighs frum har weddun dae, shay wuz rail purty, ayun Aah luved har darely.

Alluh muh kayun fokes un stoff ware lowkull farmurs ayun rainchers eyun anna uhrayown tha Haundoe, Quee-he, ayun Bayun-dareuh airyah. Annie tom way hayud uh beyug geeut tuhgather thare wuz alwuss lotsa frashle bayked paz, kaykes, kukees ayun stoff bah muh ayunts plaus alluh muh onkuls un stoff wud brang awl kindsa smoaked, bayked, brolud, frod, un Bar-Bay-qued spayer rayubs, chacken, sidesa bafe, vanysun, havalayna, rayuhbut, railsnake, anna okay-shun-ul wile tarkey, aura jayuck rayuhbut.

Whale, way hayud uh “gran’ ol’ tom” ayun tha bess thang wuz whan muh Grayun-paw un Grannie bline foledud may un tuck may ayout tuh tha born un tuck awf muh bline foled anna seen uh Brayun Nue, Kayunde-yap-pul Rayud, Shavy Pickum-op Truk, wiff uh 450 quebuck anch Shavy Injun, wiff 427 harse par, anna fore onna flo-wur.

Yeeeeee Haaaaaa! Aah tuk awf muh Stayutsun Hayut ann flung eyut hah inna ska. Aah wuz plam tackled ayun thunk: “Gollie, Jay Weeuz, ain’t muh laf jess paychee.” Aah stroaled ova tuh muh nue truk ayun luked hayow purty eyut wuz. Eyut shone un sparkuled lak wunna tham beyug ol’ kayunde-yap-pulls ayut tha Kowntee Fayur. Haut Dawg, eyut shore wuz uh be-yute!

Tha nexx bess thang wuz whan muh kuzzun Billy Bob shoad op frum thu beyug sitty. Hay kumma rorn op tha trayul wiff tha hoeurn uh honkun anna dusta flawn dravin uh beyug ol’ pank Catty-Lak Kun-ver-tuh-bul. Hay slud tuh uh staup ann jamped ore tha dar un run ovah tuh may ayun gimme uh beyug ol’ bayer hogg un brung may rot offa muh fate. Hay tolt may Happe Barthdae ann whut wuz Aah gonna dew theus avenin? Whale Aah tolt hayum Aah din noe, bot whut deyud hay hayuv en mine. Hay tolt may hay wuz gonna brang me up tuh San Ann-Tone ann we wuzz gonna “paynt tha tayown rayud” tuh celle-brate. Thayuts jess ann x-press-shun, bot

Aah tolt hayum: “Al brang tha bokket, iff y’all brang tha paynt.”  Boffus layuffted ayun hee-hawed fer uh beeut ann than Aah tolt Grannie may un Billy Bob wood be-uh hadin op tuh tha Beyug Sitty. Grannie tolt may:

“Joe Bob, y’all bay rail keer-ful op yonder un wach ayout fer tham “while wimmun”, y’all ain’t taykun allah thayut munney wiff yuh, ar yuh?”

“Grannie, doan chew warry yore purty lil haid ‘bout nuthun, cause owl kape mosa muh munney emma bootz.”

Eyut tuk allmose nuther haff-are er sew bahfore may un Billy Bob kud hayud awf fur San Ann Tone kuz way hayud tuh sae uh buncha gudbiez tall are keyun-fokes un frayuns. Billy Bob sade Aah shud brang uh changa close ann Aah hayud gought alluh thase nue close fer muh Barthdae, sew Aah brung muh bran nue Ratter Shart, muh bran nue Lee-vize, muh nue Stay-utsun hayut wiff uh Gin-U-Wine salver hayut ban, ann muh bran nue alley-gadur bootz, plaus muh bran nue hayun-tool-uld lather balt wiff muh nayme onna bayuck, sews tha gales wud noe muh nayme sews thay wunt haller ayout “Hay Y’all,” stedda “Hay, Joe Bob.” Aaa ast Billy Bob iffin Aah kud drave ayout tuh tha Ha-Way fust sews Aah wunt geeyut muh nue truk denged, danged, er donged, bah flyn grayvel iffun Ahh follered hayum ayout tuh tha Ha-Way.

Wunce way got tuh tha Ha Way thyun Aah follered Billy Bob untuh San Ann Tone ayun Aah pondered whut Aah shud naim muh brayun nue truk. Aah dunn naimed mose uff tha annniemuls onna form, alla cattull, dayree kowz, hawgs, payugs, chackens, ann stoff, plaus Aah dun naimed muh dawg Fayutch ann muh kat Fahzee. Way hayud ever thang onna form ceptun uh mongkee aura che-yum-payun-zee. Aah alwus thunk eyut wood bay rally nate tuh hayuv uh che-yum-panun-zee lock Tar Zan un Jain. Aah alwis pondurd wha thay calt thare lil bowee, Bowee. Seamed lock Aah kudda thunk op uh batter naim en thayut.

Whale, Aah pondurd savrul mawuls ann kum op wiff tha naim Cayun-dee Mayun. Yuh say thare wuz uh baise boll patcher naimed Cayun-dee Mayun ann Aah thunk thayut wuz uh rally nate naim. Tha Cayun-dee Mayun hayud uh rally nee-uff-tee carve boll ann muh truk hayud saum nee-uff-tee carves. Hay hayud uh blayzun fass boll ann muh truk wuz blayzun fass, plaus Cayun-dee Mayun hayud uh rail gud chains-up ann Aah kud chains frum ayam tuh ayuff-ayum own muh nue ray-dee-yo, plaus Aah hayud uh taype dayuck ann Cayun-dee Mayun tayped alla heus gaymes hay patched sews hay kud membur whut hay deyud inna pass.

Aah slud wunna muh brayun nue Kuntree ayun Wasturn taypes inna ray-dee-yo ann Ahh sung uh laugn wiff alla muh fay-vo-rut sangers. Thare wuz Haynk Wellyums, Charlee Prod, Dallee Pardun, Tayame Whyneyut,uh sluga uthurs, plaus Jarg Joanes. Yep, Aah wuz uh failun purty gud anna lukun fard tuh tha avenun whan way pauled op tuh muh kuzzuns uh-part-munt. Aah dunno wha thay column uh-part-munse kuz thays awl slung tugathur lika beyug ol’ hoetail. Thays awl klomped op tuhgatur ann y’all kin heyur whut tha fokes inna naxx uh-part-munt aura dune. Beyug Sitty fokes dew sum rally stuh-rainge thangs ann iffun y’all layuv inna uh-part-munt y’all kin hayur lotsum goan own.

Whale, May un Billy Bob shard un shayved rail fass ann Hay spahlashud own saum rally gud smellun’ ayaftur shayve ayun way haded awf tuh tha Baars n stoff. Whale Aah jess figgurud weed bowuth goe eyun thayut beyug ol’ pank Catty, bot Billy Bob sayud way shud drawve are oan vee-hik-kuls jess eyun cays way gought locky.

Yeeeeee Haaaaaa! Awl bayut tham baars awlso hayud gamblun ann weed naid awluh thayut axtra rum tuh kerry hoam awluh thayut munney weed bay uh winnun. Aah’s pondurn hayow Aah kud cape awl thayut munney frum flawn ayout tha backa muh truk whan eyut doned own may thayut thay’d prolly paeyus eyun salver dollurs. Whale Cayun-dee Mayun kud hall wayul ova uh hayuf tun sews Aah falt purty gud ontil weed palled own tuh Brodwae Bullyvard.

Billy Bob cald sum lil gails brods ayun sade tuh wotch ayout fur um sews Aah wuz tron nought tuh luk ayout tha windurs tew muhsh ayus way wuzza haulun dayown Brodwae. Aah wuz pondurn whut Bullyvard mayunt ann finelee kum op wiff Brods lock val-yunt dewds. Aah follurd Billy Bob op tuh Awstun Ha wae ayun onna cupla mawles ontel hay dun palled eyun tuh uh plays cawled Tha Layumpose Eyun. Tha parkun wuz wae tew krowdud sews Aah palled Cayun-dee Mayun ova tuther sod uh tha Ha wae ondur uh grate beyug ol’ lot poal whare Cayun-dee Mayun’s paynt jaub sparkuld lock tha beyug ol’ cayun-dee yappul eyut wuz.

Whale Aah wuz wokkun tawl anna teyuped muh hayut bakkuh muh hayud uh beyut anna strolt uhkros tha Ha wae tuh say Billy Bob. Aah jess figgurd thay hayud rums ann stoff ware way kud spen tha nought, bot Billy Bob splained thayut eyut warnt lock whan Maree un Joe-seff kun fine noe rume eyun Bath-lee-hayum eyut wuz uh layonge. Aah figgurd thade hayuv uh buncha cayouches un pillurs n stoff ware way kud jess lae bayuck, drank sum bears un gambull.

Billy Bob sade eyut warnt “Laydees Nought”, bot thay shud bay lotsa gails eyunsod annie waze. Hay splained thayut own “Laydees Nought” tha gails gought whut aver thay wuntud tuh drank awl nought laugn fer fray. Aah kinda luhmantud tha fayuct thyut weed me-ust “Laydees Nought” cuz Aah figgurd uh beyug ol’ rum fulla buncha fawn lukun gails stoaned outuh thare mines wud bay uh beyut aze-yur tuh rayzzul n dayzzul. Yep, whan yuh goe uh kort-un cane-dee un flars eyus fawn un dayundee, bot lickker shore wood bay quikkur.

Whale whan way kum eyun tuh tha frawnt doughur eyut wuz darkur than Carl-uls Bayud Cavurns ann eyut tuk uh minut ur mower fer muh ahhs tuh say enny-thang. May un Billy Bob wandurd ova tuh tha baar un lained own eyut un ordurd are dranks. Aah ordurd uh cole Shy-nur Bok ann Billy Bob ordurd sumpen cawlud uh savun n savun we-utch maid foe-ur-tane. Aah kud finelay say reglur ann thare warnt noe cowchez, ur pillurs, ur nuth-en’, bot thare wuz uh jewke bahx wiff uh teenee daince flore.

Way wuz jess havun are dranks, un laffun un hee-hawn ann stoff, whan thase thray gails un wan fellur kum eyun tha frant dore. Eyut tuk um awlmoss uh Nue Yark minut fer thare ahhs tuh uhjus tuh tha darkun layownge sews Aah gottuh rail gud luk ayut awlem. Nayow Aah noed wha the-us wuz Billy Bob’s fayvorut playce tuh drank un peyuck op gails ann stoff. The-us wun gail wuz tawlun slanky wiff loang blon hayur, ann uh nuhthur wuz uh rail slander gail wiff shart radish hayur ann wun lil gail wuz a rail lukur wiff blayuck hayur. The-us fellur wuz tawl ayun lankee warn reglur sitty slickur close.

Tha lil gail wiff tha blayuck hayur wuz jess qute a-us uh bog anna kun tayke muh ahhs offer. Billy Bob sade tha fellur wuz prolly uh pay-yump ayun thay wuz he-yuz “laydees uv tha avenun.” Aah tolt Billy Bob, “Whale, eyut waz nought tom sews thayut maid sayunce,” bot hay splained tuh may whut uh pay-ump waz. Whale Aah din thank thet lil blyuck hayurd gail kud avur bay uh prostee toot sews Aaa’d fine ayout fer muh seff.

Whale whan tha fellur wayunt tuh tha ress rume Aaa follurd heyum. Yuh kaint sae nuthun tuh uh nuhthur fellur inna mayuns rume, bot whiles hay wuz warshun hayus hayuns Aah figgurd Aah kud fine ayout uhbout thyut lil blayuck hayurd gail.

“Hay, hayow kum yew hayuv thray gails ayun Aah hayuv nun? Thayut jess doan same fayur ann yuh same tuh bay uh beyut oar yore limped.” Hay splained thayut thay waz ayout owna tayown wiff tron tuh chair op tha lil blayuck hayurd gail, bay cuz shay jess raysaveud har fawn-ul deevars from har hahsbun ayun wuz failun bahlou. Tha blon laydee wuz hayus waff ayun tuthur woemun wuz har bess fren. Hay sade awed bay awl rot iffun Aah kum ova tuh ast tha lil blayuck hayurd gail tuh daince.

Whale Aah kum bayuck tuh tha baar un toll Billy Bob tha gud nuez. Thayut fellur warnt noe pay-yump. Billy Bob sade, “Whale goan nover ayun aster tuh daince.” Sews Aah tuk a swallur uh kurge ayun heutched op muh paints ann strould ova tew thare taybull. Shay seen may uh wokun ova ayun shay gimme uh luk. Aah swallurd rail haard uh stapt op loang sod har ack-standun muh hayund ayun sade,

“Joana daince?” Shay jess smallud ayun sade, “Shore.” Whale tha jewk bahx wuzza plane uh fass Rahkun Role soang ayu way dainced tew mower fass soangs anna sloe soang buhgunn tuh plae. Whale Aah warnt ratty tuh daince sloe yayyut sew Aah woked har bayuck tuh tha taybull ayun shay asted may tuh sat dayown. Shay hayud tha moss beauteefal sparklee ahhs ayun shay hayud wankees wayun shay smalled. Aah wuz anstuntlee eyun luv. Tha mewsick wuz rail layoud.

Aah laint rail clothes ayun aster naim ayun shay sade, “Dane.”

Aah rayplod “Dae”

ayun shay sade, “Dane, Muhray—yun-duh Dane.” Than Aah ondurstuhud.

“Whale cayun Aah kawl yuh Dane?” 

“Yas,” shay smalled.

Aah wuz dee-lot-ud ayun way tawkud bout awl sartzuh thangs. Than Ahh aster eyuf shay woantud tuh goe ayout tuh soppur ayun uh moovee saumtom. Shay smalled ayun gimme har fown nambur tuh kawl. Aah furgot tuther gails naims, bot tha mayun wuz naimed Hanree. Hanree wurked inna Shavy Shaup. Thayun Billy Bob woantud tuh goe hoam kuz hay gought-uh kawl frum tha ray-yul rode tuh goeduh wurk.

Whale Aah sade muh guh-bahs tuh avur-wun ayun may un Billy Bob dun wayunt tuh hayus uh-part-munt hayouse. Billy Bob ait rail fass ayun wayunt tuh wurk, ayun Ahh spant tha nought. Tha nax more-nun Aah kalt muh boz tuh ast fer a wake awf tuh stae eyun San Antone. Aah hayud brakfuss ayut Billy Bob’s hayouse.

Aah kawlt Muhray-un-duh Dane ayun aster tuh soppur ayun uh moovee. Shay woantud tuh tayke har ayun Shay sayud yayus ayun shay packud may op ayut sax uhklok. Way wayunt tuh a rail fawn ress-tah-raunt own Aws-tun Ha-way. Shay ordurd uh foe-wur aayonce fee-lay mean-yon ayun Ahh ordurd uh laub-star tayell ayun taup surlon. Way bowtuh hayud baykud poe-tay-toe ayun thay hayud awl sortzuh thangs tuh ayud tuh are poe-tay-toes. Aah ayudud bauddur, sar krame, baykun chayups ayun chauvz. Muh-ray-un-duh hayud tha saim.

Whale Aah lukud eyun tew har aahs ayun Aah wuz eyun luv. Way tawkud bout awl sartzuh nue thangs ayun wayuch moovee shay wauntud tuh say. Shay sayud thayut thare wuz a rail gud moovee ayut tha Muh-jess-tuck the-ate-ur ayun thayuts whare way wayunt. Shay den wont tuh rod eyun muh truk sews way tock har beyug Bew-ick Rode-may-astur. Aah layut har drav har kar kuz Aah den woana scray-uch har kar.

Shay wuz awl dray-usud op ayun flaffy ayun smelt wan-dar-fal. Aah woe-wur mah nue shart ayun paints ayun jess uh beyut uff aftur shayve. Aah paeked ayut har wall shay wuz dravun ayun shay wuz mower be-yew-tee-ful aver tom Aah luked.

Whale way parkud har kar eyun tha parkun gahrodge un wokud boutuh blahuck er sew tew tha Muh-jess-tuck. Aah gought tha moovee tea-uh-kuts oughtsod ayun way wokud eyunsod ayun smelt frash paup-karn ayun Aah bot uh beyug rayown tubba paup-karn anna kupla sauf dranks ansaum Dom-Doms. Thayun way wokud opstay-yurs ayun fayown are sates.

Muh-ray-yun-duh smelt dee-lish-us ayun way helt hayuns durn tha hole moovee. Aftur tha moovee way wokud bayuck tuh geeyut har kar ayut tha parkun gahrodge. Way stawpud fer uh mint onna brege ova lukun tha San-ayun-tone Reever ayun eyut wuz awl sparklee from the lots. Aah kayused har owna leeups ayun fase ayun Aah woantud tuh kayus har awl ova ayun ova uhgayun. Aah aster tuh mar-ree may. Shay smalled ayun sade, “Noe,” kuz har hahsbun wuz woemuneyesun tha hole tom thay wuz marred. Aah tolt har thayut Ahh den nade tew tah tharty wimmun ayun wuzza wone woemun mayun ayun Aah wunt aster uhgayun. Way wokud sod buh son uh holdun hayuns ayun gought har kar ayut tha gahrodge.

Whale way hayud savurl mowur daytes ayun thayun way daysodud tuh stae tuhgahtha fur uh wile tuh say eyuff Aah wuz warth mareyun. Whale shay-ut  Aah tolt har thayut Aah mought haftuh useuh shought-gahn tuh mare-ree har. Thray yars laydur shay asted may tuh mare-ree ayun Aah hap-pull-lee sade “Yay-yus.”

Shay sayud “Aah dew.” ayun Aah sayud “Aah dew,” tew.

Copyright 2012 Joe Kent Roberts www.talkintexan.com

 


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