Take Out the Papers and the Trash

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

A True Short Story about Miranda continually "requesting" that I take out the papers and the trash.


Take out the Papers and the Trash


This is actually one of the few “honey do’s” that I do not care to do. Miranda, my beautiful and adoring wife, will threaten me within an inch of my life, and she will also warn me that certain other highly enjoyable favors may be withheld if I do not take out the papers and the trash. Normally, it only took about two or three days, of not so gentle reminders from her, for me to actually take the trash from the kitchen and lug it out to the trash dumpster. I was ecstatic when one of our impeccably behaved and enthusiastic children asked:

“Hey Dad, would you like me to help?’

Taking out the papers and the trash soon became this blessed child’s duty. I so enjoy the energy and helpfulness of young children. Somehow, I became some sort of a doddering, demanding, ‘ol codger whenever my children became teenagers.

 Before we had children, Miranda wanted me to quit smoking and so I did. Then one day about 6 months later, as I was driving along, I needed to get the map out of the glove compartment and look up an unfamiliar street address in the Dallas area. After I had pulled over, opened the glove department and retrieved the map I happened to notice an old pack of cigarettes. Most smokers will cubbyhole a few cigarettes away, because they do not want to run out of nicotine. I should have thrown that pack of cigarettes out the car window, but I didn’t.

A few days later I opened the glove department again and decided to see how one of these “past pleasures” would taste. I lit one up and took a few drags. It tasted awful so I put it out, but I still neglected to throw the pack of cigarettes away. Two days later, after some sort of minor frustration, I reached into the glove compartment, retrieved the pack of cigarettes and lit one up.

The next day I smoked two cigarettes.

The next day I smoked three cigarettes.

Several days later I’m smoking 5 cigarettes per day, but I couldn’t figure out how to have a smoke at home after dinner. My Miranda asked me to empty the trash….. Bingo! Within minutes I was heading out to the dumpster with the trash and I made a quick stop at the car for my smokes. I lit one up and leisurely strolled to the dumpster, dropped the trash and continued to enjoy the smoke, and the evening, before I came to the bottom of the steps leading to our front door. Ta Da! --- Mission accomplished! Life was good.

The next evening after dinner, I took out the trash and again enjoyed my smoke during my round trip to the dumpster, and was amply rewarded by Miranda. She was thrilled that her husband had finally responded to all her training and no longer needed any gentle reminders to empty the trash.

Married men are just unrefined lumps of Coal, but with time and the right amount of pressure we will become like the glittering Diamond Ring that she so proudly displays upon her ring finger, and shows off to all her friends.

On the third night that I took out the trash, without being asked, my lovely and vivacious Miranda was standing at the front door when I opened it.

“Kiss me!” she said.

Busted! Dog gone it!

I’m still wondering, to this day, if she would have caught on to my return to smoking if I had responded to her other gentle reminders about not leaving the toilet seat lid up, putting my dirty clothes in the hamper, putting the wet towels on the towel bar after a shower, and using clothes hangers for their intended use rather than better reception for a particular Television Channel.

When a beautiful woman says “Kiss me” what’s a guy supposed to do?


Joe Kent Roberts – Copyright 2002 –www.talkintexan.com

Submitted: October 10, 2015

© Copyright 2021 Joe Kent Roberts. All rights reserved.

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Add Your Comments:



hopefully the return to "demon cigarettes" did not deter the other enjoyable favors. :)Peter

Fri, October 23rd, 2015 8:03pm

Joe Kent Roberts

Nope, Not at all. I knew the Windsong, and still do.Plus she was very beautiful & I became the World's Greatest lover after meeting her, because I Never wanted her to Stray.

Sun, October 25th, 2015 4:57am

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