The Elf That Took Cocaine

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Chapter one of a horrific story about one of Santa's elves that one day accidentally ingested cocaine. How does cocaine affect a Christmas Elf? Have a read and find out :) Be warned though, not for light stomachs...

Submitted: November 30, 2011

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Submitted: November 30, 2011




The Elf That Took Cocaine


Chapter One – The mistakes

It was 2 days until Christmas, and I'd been kissing Santa's ass for a long 5 months! I know it's an Elf's duty to suck up to the fat bastard, but I had a specific reason. No Elf had ever seen the inside of Santa's mansion, but that year would be different; 5 months before, Mrs. Clause was diagnosed with terminal obesity, probably from gorging on Christmas cookies, which resulted in her unable to look after the house Christmas night, which meant that Santa needed someone to look after his house Christmas night! I felt like I had the upper hand. That night, I was strolling home, when I suddenly tripped on something poking out of the deep snow outside of Santa's mansion. I stood up and looked down at the object which stumped my stroll, and oddly enough it was a mirror. I wondered why a mirror was there, but ignored it and carried on my travel home. I noticed soon enough I had snow on my lips, and it's only water, I thought, so I just licked it away with my long purple tongue. How ever, it tastes odd. Exotic. Flavoured. And the further I walked, the better I felt. By the time I got to my street, I felt amazing, brilliant, powerful, energetic, excited! When I entered my home, I needed to relieve myself, I needed an energetic activity to drain me! My entrance into my home wasn't the quietest entrance into an igloo ever, and I noticed something in the corner behind the sofa. It was my pet abominable snow man, cowering and shivering in misunderstanding of my moods.
“Frosty, come here boy! It's OK!” I promised him in a calm and familiar language. He continued to cower, and this didn't make me happy. I just got annoyed, why didn't he want to come out and welcome me home? What was wrong with me? He should have just came out, but no. I stormed over there with a clenched fist and a mood beyond tempered. My fist flew into Frosty's face and legs and torso over and over. His shrill screams made me just want to hit him more and more, why couldn't he be quiet!? Why wouldn't he understand I wanted him to shut up! After he had piped down out of concentration on the pain he was suffering, other urges and moods started coming to me, started swimming through my mind. My belt buckle was loosened before I could ponder what I was doing, and I was watching myself as I thrusted into Frosty over and over again. After 5 minutes I got bored. I took a bread knife from the kitchen and slashed Frosty across the neck repeatedly. After that, I slowly became more perspicacious, and I felt the need to sleep. After lying in bed for what felt like a lifetime, and not falling asleep, I decided to stumble out of bed and make my way to the front room. Forgetting I had killed my pet Frosty after sexually molesting him, it came as a shock when I tripped up on his left arm. Still feeling strange, I stood and stared at the bloody mess that was Frosty's corpse. Ideas went through my mind with what to do with him. After a while of contemplation, I decided I'd already stooped low enough to perform bestiality, so necrophilia-ism wouldn't hurt. After round 2, I was really dead. I stood up, wiped myself down, and stumbled back to bed.



The morning after, I was confused. Why did I do these disgusting things I did? Why did I feel how I felt? Out of curiosity, I went to my Laptop and went to Igloo-gle to search my symptoms. Somehow, I had ingested cocaine. Although I had never heard of this drug, all arrows pointed to it. I retraced my steps from the night before to find out how I took it, and found nothing. But then on my travel back home, I tripped on the same mirror I had the night before. After inspecting it for a few seconds, Santa himself left his home with a mirror and razorblades and discarded them into the bin.

Master! Master! No disrespect, but, I somehow took cocaine last night, and I have no idea how, but I remember specifically that I had felt the symptoms after I tripped on that mirror there.” I said as I pointed to the mirror. “Do you have any idea what could have happened?”

His face dropped like the underwear of an Elf stripper on boxing day celebrations. He gulped loud enough to shatter the moon.


Look, you know me, Elf. You know I'm an honest man, and you can only imagine how stressful this job is” I couldn't believe how honest he was being, if I were him I would have just shut my mouth and lied! “I just need something to keep me going. Do you understand?”

I nodded and smiled. “Look, I don't want this story to get out of hand, so as a 'reward', how about you look after my house tonight?”

My smile grew, wider and wider. I nodded in glee. Before he could grow himself a grin, I ran and ran, I jumped, leapt and screamed in sheer joy. I would go down in history for this! I couldn't have been more excited! I was razzled, dazzled, all kind of 'azzled'. I was anticipating well for what the night would bring me.



Later that night. I was standing at the door, more nervous than I'd ever felt. The door was tall and wide, for obvious reasons. Glazed wood and a solid gold door handle. The arch above the beautifully artistic door was cobble stone, a different kind of cobble stone. It shone and changed colour magically, the stones seemed to gasconade themselves, but who could blame them. Their colours and beauty surpassed modesty by far. I knocked carefully and softly on the door. The handle turned slowly, my heart was beating fast. Very fast. The door slowly opened. I heard the locks click and cluck. It sounded like wedding bells to my small, pointy ears. The door was fully open and I was staring straight into a large, red coated belly. I tilted my head up until I saw his white beard, red cheeks and big nose.

Come in, come in.” He insisted.

I entered the front door and looked around. How proud I felt of myself, to be the first Elf to ever see inside Santa's mansion. The hallway was the first room, long and vast. The walls were decorated with Santa's favourite Elves which had sadly passed. I ignorantly thought to myself of how I'd love to replace every photo on that wall.

After introducing me to his house, he wished me luck and left, wishing me a good Christmas and floating away on his sleigh. I was worried though, Blitzen didn't look as healthy as he used to. He introduced me to every room in the house, and unnecessarily, his and Mrs. Clause's 'Sex Room' as he infamously named it. The room consisted of a fireplace with a branding fork, a wrack with a whip, gags, and other sexual paraphernalia dangling from it, an extremely dented and barely stable dancing pole, and a disturbing invention which I daren't describe to you, or daren't even think about. There was also a turkey baster in the gritty, dirty sink. It was quite a disturbing sight. However, there was one room he didn't show me. The door was a rugged wooden one, with wood chipped out of it. Being little curious me, I had to explore. I entered the room and was surprised at the vast size of it. The windows were boarded up and the carpet was stained and soaked with what I can only guess was blood, semen, sweat and urine. I left the room to put my boots on, and re entered the room to avoid any possible infection I could catch. There was a putrid stench coming from one corner of the undecorated room. I followed the scent until I noticed a large dirty rag of a sheet with an unusually large lump underneath it. I covered my mouth and nose with one hand to avoid the inevitable regurgitation to follow discovering what the smell was, and used the other hand to pull the sheet away. I pulled it abruptly to get it over and done with. The origin of the smell was an odd creature I'd never seen before. It was smeared with faeces but I noticed it's original colour despite this. It looked orange with black striped down it, all fury. The animal's facial features included whiskers and a black nose, with sharp looking teeth. Luckily it was dead, it looked as if it would rip me to shreds if it was alive! I quickly covered it back up to avoid the vomit that was currently boiling in my stomach from shooting up my throat and projecting across the already vile room. I looked around to adventure the rest of the room, and noticed a mirror, but oddly, on the table. On the mirror were lined of a white powder, which I only guessed to be more cocaine, After seeing it, I recalled the brilliance I felt from it. I rushed to the table and knelt down in desperation for the buzz again, took my finger and smeared it in the pile of the white powder. I shoved my white finger into my mouth and rubbed away as if I was brushing my teeth aggressively. Before I got the chance to do it the 13th time, I heard a voice shouting for Santa. I looked up, like a Meerkat at an interesting scent. Slowly, I took to my feet and left the room, slowly closing the door behind me. I stalked through the hall way, then slowly up the stairs. When I reached the top of the stairs it started calling my name. I'm sure Mrs. Clause didn't know my name, how would she be calling me? I stopped for a split second to think about whether it was in my head or not, then continued to tip toe through the rooms leading to the sound. I reached Santa's bedroom door and was sure the sound was coming from behind that door. I cautiously opened the door and poked my head through the small gap available. On the bed I noticed a enormously sized beast lying lazily like a beached whale. It raised it's head and stared at me with interest. I could only imagine it to be Mrs. Clause.




Martin?” It said desperately.

It is.” I replied.

Help me!” It mumbled helplessly. I had no intention of helping the beast, I only had an urge. This urge was to tear a bed post from the bed and strike her with it until she was screaming, then spike it through her wide mouth. But this urge came too late, I had already killed her. It seems as though I had taken a clothes hanger and hooked her mouth, and pulled her off of the bed, then I stamped on her head until it was as flat as an ant being crushed between 2 solidly flat ice blocks. Staring at the already rancid smelling carcass, I got the same urge I had with Frosty. I knew Santa would only think of me as perfidious for doing this, but I had already killed her and had some of his cocaine so I thought 'why not?'

My belt buckle was loose and she was only in a night gown. Well, I say 'a' night gown, but it was actually 4 sewn together to create one her size. It took me long enough to fold the layers of heavy fat out of the way before I could actually do anything, but eventually I got there. The corpse shifted forward and backwards as I did, the fat jiggling everywhere. It was a real challenge. I felt up for the challenge at the time though.

Minutes after finishing, I was on a hell of a come down. I needed more to keep myself up, so I shot downstairs, stumbling and falling numerous times on my seemingly long journey back to the room. When I got to the door, I had no time to use the handle, I just kicked it down and dived at the pile of cocaine. My head dropped in the pile and my nose sniffed and sniffed. The thrill, the excitement, the ecstasy! It was brilliant, orgasmic, amazing!

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