God talks to me (Chp 6-7)

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
John, frustrated with the life's woes turns to god asking for help and is shocked when god speaks to him. the journey john goes on is humourous, romantic and life changing

Submitted: May 28, 2012

A A A | A A A

Submitted: May 28, 2012



Chapter 6

John stepped off the elevator and headed to the first ward.

In the first room there were four beds and an old woman was asleep in the first bed to the left. John touched her hand then he moved to the next bed and touched the girl’s hand and asked. “Is there anything I can get you?”

“No thank you.” She answered looking at him bemused.

He did the same at the other two beds then moved on to the next room. When he came out of the second room some nurses rushed by and into the first room. He was just about to leave that ward when he heard the commotion outside the first.

“It’s been twenty years since I have had sex with my husband and I am going to take him home and ware him out.” The old woman said in a loud voice.

“John you need to go back, her husband won’t be able to survive her frustration. He is the one on the support frame.” God said.

“You’re fucking joking? John said looking back along the corridor

John quickly made his way up behind the man and touched his back. Instantly the man turned to look at John but said nothing and just smiled. Then the old man took his wife by the hand. “Love, you already have a bed no need to wait to go home.” And they headed back into the room

John got more confident and he made his way down to the next floor. Two nurses and a doctor got on the elevator with him

“Did you know a doctor is the only man that can tell a woman to take her clothes off and then send her husband the bill?” God said and John felt his face get red and a big smile come on his face. By the time he finished the first floor there was a buzz around the courtesy desk so John decided to have a coffee in the café and watch what was happening. While he watched the commotion a woman as if she could join him.

“A man and a woman were waiting in a hospital. The man asked. What are you here for today? The woman answered. I’m donating blood they give me 5$. I’m donating sperm and there giving me 25$ the man said. They talked for another while. Months later. Hi said the man, donating blood. He asked. The woman shook her head. Unh, unh.” God said and once again John began to laugh.

 “Are you ok?” The woman asked. 

“Sorry just a funny thought. Forgive me I don’t seem to be myself lately. 

“Well hospitals seem to do that to people.” The woman reached over and patted his hand.

John felt the rush as she was cured. She had just found out that she would be unable to get pregnant due to an accident she had when she was a young girl. She looked at John and knew that was no longer the case.

“Thank you.” She said and went around the table and gave him a hug.

“John I think our work is done for the day.” God said and John headed back to Dundrum for a well-deserved drink.


Chapter 7


 The next day as John did his best not to bump into anyone in work he realized this can’t last.

“Are you there?” He asked in a soft voice as he packed the shelf.

“I presume you are talking to me.” God answered.

“Yes,” He looked up and down the aisle. “What’s to happen to me? I mean if I tip off one of the guy’s here and cure them it will be all over the news in no time. There isn’t many here I would trust to keep a secret.” John whispered.

“What do you mean?” God asked.

“When you’re son was here it took years for the information about what he had done to get around and even now there are some remote places that haven’t heard of him. If someone I heal decides to talk about it, it will be all over the world in a matter of hours……..I won’t be able to have a peaceful life.” John said quietly, he was beginning to realize where this was leading. “I’m not going to be around much longer?” He asked his eyes were beginning to water.

“I need you to do one more job.” God answered.

A tear ran down John’s face and he wiped it away with the hand. “Only one?” he asked.

“I want you to go to the children’s hospital tomorrow?” God asked.

“John you don’t look well” Derek the manager said startling him.

“Oh just an upset stomach;” John replied.

“OK.  When you finish there will you help Rita on the biscuits?” Derek asked.

“Yes will do.” John answered and he wiped another tear off his face and Derek went away leaving him to his thoughts.

“God we have gotten very uncaring. I know I have been lonely for the past few years but never depressed enough to kill myself but now that you are suggesting that I might be near the end of my life I’m scared.

“I’m not asking you to end you’re life. I want you to change your way of living.” God answered.

“If I were to win the lotto that would change my way of living but I don’t think that is what you have in mind?” John said.

“I know it is going to be different……”  God was saying but John interrupted.

“Different…… that’s an understatement, no more suffering with hart burn, no more passing through a metal detector in an airport, no more sitting on my arse in front of the TV for hours flicking through a hundred stations and finding nothing to watch, and more important no more beer one of my two favourite pleasures……. Yes it’s not a great life but it’s the one I’m used to. I don’t think I’m ready for that big a change?” John said calming down.  

“It’s not going to happen today or tomorrow but you know what will happen when they find out. OK there are no more crucifixions but they will find some way to crucify you. You are going to have to think about it. You are not giving up your life you are moving on. ” God said.

“Yes but I’m moving on without the bits I have grown up in and not having them any more that’s scary. I’m even afraid to go to hospital in case they want to take something from me, something I feel very attached to.” John said looking around to see if anyone heard him.

  “Why don’t you take the rest of the day off?” God said.

“I was just thinking that myself.” He answered and tidied up the rubbish.

“Rita I’m not well so I’m going home. Derek asked me to help you but I can’t. Sorry.” He said apologetically.

“Don’t worry, you go and look after yourself.” Rita said in a friendly voice. She put her hand on his arm but took it away quickly as if she had been stung. “Thank you.” She said and smiled.

John told his duty manager he was leaving and left the store as fast as possible.

It was a worm day and when John reached the safety of his home he was sweating He went to the sink and threw water over his face then he took a pint glass from the cupboard and filled it with water and gulped it down.

“Jesus Christ.” He gasped. “You changed my water into beer.”

“No he didn’t you did. I decided you needed something stronger and so I gave you the power to do it yourself.” God answered.

“You mean I can do this all the time.” John asked.

“Yes. You don’t have a companion or someone to share your problems so this is an alternative” God answered.

“A companion? Oh yes well a guy would love this but I’m not gay and a woman would complicate things. She might turn on the tap and actually want water.” John filled his glass again and watched it closely, he picked it up and before it touched his mouth it was beer. “Fuck me this is so cool.” He said and took his drink out on the balcony and watched the cars drive by Dundrum. John found comfort in his new power which he practised again and again and it took his mind off his choices of life for a while.

“Hey God, how do Judas and Jesus get along now?” John asked.  

“They get on fine, though Judas keeps throwing M&M at Jesus.” Said God

“Why?” Asked John

“Jesus can’t catch them they keep falling through his hands” God answered.

“That’s terrible. I thought you said they got along?” John asked.

“John that was a joke”

“You know you have a weird sense of humour you are always joking about your son.” John said.

“What has happened is long past and we have forgiven all that was done to him. Instead of letting it eat away at us and breath hatred we have found peace and humour a much more satisfying way of dealing with the pain that he suffered. You see it all the time when someone famous dies there will be a joke out the next day. For instance Michel Jackson or some catastrophe people will always find humour in the most unlikely places.” God answered.

“You’re weird. You’re not what I expected. I don’t know what I expected but you’re definitely not it.” John said looking at his empty glass. “I think I’ll have another.” And he refilled it from the tap. “Just fucking amazing.” He said watching the bubbles settle to make a head at the top of the glass.

“Tell me a joke.” John asked.

“OK. An Irishman moves into a little village….” God started.

”Why an Irishman?” John interrupted.

“It’s the way the joke goes. Now listen. He goes into the bar and orders three pints…..”

“Why three pints?” John asks.

“Stop interrupting. Any way each time he orders its three pints and he drinks them himself. This goes on for a week. Everyone in the small village hear about this. Finally the barman broaches the subject.

It’s odd isn’t it the man replies. You see I have two brothers and we made a promise that we would order two extra beers whenever we drank. The barman and the town were happy with his answer. Then one day the man ordered two pints. The barman served the drinks with a heavy heart. Word flew around the village. Prayers were offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day the barman says to the man. Folks around here are grieving for you; I want to be the first to offer condolences to you on the death of your brother. The man looked at him for a moment. You will be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It’s just that I have decided to give up the drink for Lent.” And John laughed. “I like you……. even though you might be me in some sick syco, split personality way. Even after everything I have done, all I am doing. I don’t know if it’s real or if I’m dreaming but this is the best time I have ever had in my entire life. Thank you.” John said placing his glass on the sink. “I think I will have another one. If you are me where the hell do I get these jokes? I’ mean I never heard them before.”

“John.” God said. “I assure you I am not you, I am real, you are not dreaming and I have thousands of comedians that I can get a joke from at any time.

“You say in your book that paradise is like a great feast.” John said thoughtfully as he sat down on the balcony

“My book?” God asked

“Yea the Bible.” John said

“Oh, that was supposed to be a sort of instruction manual on how man should live but now it reads like fiction and not even good fiction. To answer your question, for many people paradise will be very different. For you it would be like going on safari in a two story fully function air-conditioned mobile home, I think you would want it to have an endless supply of beer.” God said.

“That would be a definite yes. But why would I want a two story home?” John interrupted.

“When your friends come over to jam, they will need somewhere to stay. Your new life would be full of love, happiness, and safety to put it as simply as I can.” God answering.

“What friend’s?” John asked.

“Well there would be Freddie Mercury, John Lennon Bob Marley, and George Harrison to name a few.” God said.

“Wow that would be heaven.” John said thoughtfully

“God;” John stood at the rail looking at the cars pass. “God, the thought of dying is scary but if you think its necessary I suppose you know what’s best. So let’s do this. Oh… hospital first, then a few beers of course, and then we’ll see what happens. OK.” John said.

“That’s fine. How about one more before bed?” God said.

© Copyright 2020 JoeKeogh. All rights reserved.

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