Words She'll Never Say

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
Thoughts from a girl in her death bed, all the words she could never say.

Submitted: August 16, 2012

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Submitted: August 16, 2012




Gentle rays of the morning sun entered the hospital ward through the gaps between the blinds of the window on the far right.  It had been another long torturous night. The throbbing ache kept piercing deeper and deeper into her, slaughtering her sleep.  It seemed as if time was put on repeat with the beeping of machines and monitors at regular intervals.  The only indicator of time passing was the small clock hanging on the wall on her far left, which she could barely see with the corner of her eyes. 
She lay limply and quietly all night, in the same position the nurses last put her in.  How she wished she could toss and turn in her bed and complain out loud about the immense pain she was suffering, perhaps, even rip out all the tubes that entered and exit her body, the tubes that were keeping her alive, then slowly let out her last breath and put an end to her misery.  But she could hardly lift her pinky, nor make the slightest whisper.  She lost all strength, and the tube that stabbed firmly through her throat forbade her to utter a sound.  All she could do every day was lay motionless and endured the sufferings, stared at the white gridded ceiling, and let her eyes wander off to her lost future and the many memories of her past. 

"Good morning, Hanna," the nurse entered, “Jon is here to see you again.”  And following behind her was Jon.  His chocolate brown eyes were outlined with dark circles, and his cheekbones were stabbing out awkwardly above the hollowed cheeks.  The nurse stayed and jotted down some figures from the monitors on the clip board and moved on to another bed.


“Good morning, love,” Jon planted a gentle kiss on her forehead.  


Oh, no, don’t do this, Hanna shouted in voiceless protest.  She did not want to see Jon, for when she looked at Jon, a million words and emotions flooded her mind, a million words that she couldn’t express, a million emotions she couldn’t voice out.Jon held her desperate gaze in his comforting chocolate eyes and Hanna found herself lost and drowning in this warm brown pool of love that was so familiar.  She would love to be able to hold his face in her hands and caress his hollowed cheeks.  She would give everything to be able to feel his stubbles on her lips, to kiss his agony away.  She would die to be able to utter the three simple syllables.  But she couldn’t and this frustrated her so much and she felt like a loser, a piece of useless junk.  All she could do was lie there, motionless like a corpse.  She caught a glimpse of her own reflection in the mirror last week when the nurses bathed her and she saw a bony and bald freak, with a dead, lifeless face that haunted even herself.  She might as well die. 


Jon started talking to her, about his work, their families, whatever things that were happening around the world and about how much he loves her and that everything was going to be alright.  Hanna knew he loves her, and she loves him too, and she also knew that everything was not going to be alright.  She knew her clock was ticking, her journey was ending and that she was going to die and leave this place called life.  She would soon start another adventure either high up there above the blue skies and the soft clouds, or down below in the roasting flames of the dark.  Jon was saying all this to comfort her, and even more, to comfort himself.  She could see how battered and hurt Jon was after cancer invaded and claimed control over her body.  Jon was suffering too, and it kills her to see him this way.  Hanna had already accepted the fact that her time has come, and she wanted Jon to know and accept that as well.  She had planned and rehearsed a whole speech that she wished to tell Jon, to comfort him and wipe away the dark circles around his eyes.


I am ready to leave, Jon.  I love you and I know that it will pain you to see me go, but it is time.  There is no stopping it.  I have already accepted it, and hope you will too.  When I’m gone, be sad and sulky for only just a tiny bit of time, love.  But afterwards, get back up, move on and live a magical and amazing life.  I appreciate everything you have done for me and every bit of love and tenderness you gave me.  Every moment I’ve spent with you is of infinite joy.  I fell in love with your warm chocolate brown eyes when I first saw you and every time I look at them, I fall in love all over again.  Those beautiful brown eyes need to be cherished and loved so if you find another girl who deserves to receive love and care from you, you go for it.  I am such a lucky girl to have you in my life.  I love you, Jon.  You rocked my world.  I have lived the best life there ever is with you.  Now go live yours.


No matter how hard Hanna tried to force them out, these words were stuck in her throat.  She gazed at the man with the loving brown eyes and the bitter smile, and let out a soundless sigh.  Hanna knew she could never get these words out of her, nor have Jon listen to them.  All these words she could never say, all these pain and frustration inside of her would be gone one day when her soul left her body, when her last breath escaped her lungs and when the infinite flat line appeared on the heart rate monitor. 


Hanna looked forward to the arrival of that day.

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